A week unplugged..

Ok so this past week I had no internet. I was like a junkie, sneaking looks on people's iphone, begging to log on real quick just to get a peak at my beloved facebook. I dreamt about email. So how was? Here's a play by play:

Day 1- It was more like evening 1. I had internet all day and had already youtubed/facebooked/googled/music-ed myself out so it was fine. A piece of cake.

Day 2- Withdraw already set in. Internet cafe for an hour. I had so many notifications though that it was worth the one pound.

Day 3- Broke down and used my phone. I hadn't talked to my sister or my parents in days and it was just weird. Sorry Mom, hope the bill isn't too high this month. More internet cafes.

Day 4- Friday. Went to my friends house to check my email and facebook. No notifications and roughly a million emails. I'm dead on facebook. Figure that I'll have to take a lot of pictures this weekend if I want to get my facebook activity back on track.

Day 5- Too hungover to care. Have replaces facebook with texting, burning through phone credit like Charlie Sheen burns through porn stars.

Day 6- More hungover, too exhausted to be social.

Day 7- Monday. Watched TV the entire day.

So the secret to being unplugged is to replace one addiction with another. I can certainly give up internet if I submerse myself in television, alcohol, and phones. It was actually very relaxing to back up a few decades, I felt like a technological pioneer. And don't worry my facebook activity went through the roof this weekend, notifications galore.

Off the grid

Well, I'm without internet until next week, total bummer. Anyway, since I'm not quite hipster enough to sit in an internet cafe and blog all day I'll catch you fools next week.

Mom and Dad don't worry, I'm not dead.

It's the little things...

Obviously fabulous vacations, loads of money, and finding the best necklace are all very exciting things, but they aren't everyday occurrences. Ask anyone in my inner circle, so like my sister, and she'll tell you that I take care of myself like no one else. It's very important to self-soothe and I'm the champion at it. Because, sometimes it's the little things that make your day. LIKE....

10. New sheets. New sheets are the best things in the entire world. It's literally like getting a new bed. Bonus if the sheets are over 400 thread count. God that shit is soft. With Egyptian cotton, who needs the sandman?

9. When Mint Car comes up randomly on your iPod. Mint Car is quite possible the best, cheeriest song ever written. If you don't agree with me then you're dead inside. I never pick it out because I don't want to ruin it thus I must wait for my shuffle to surprise me. When it does come up I'm in an instant good mood for the rest of the day.

8. Ordering takeout. I'm a big takeout food person. Usually I just eat sandwiches from Tesco but I'm not going to lie, I'm a big believer in ordering in sushi on Sunday's. It's called sushi Sunday and I never miss it, well except this past Sunday which became pad thai Sunday because I was hungover.

7. Magazines. I mean I love a good book, there really is nothing better, but I'm also really, really into magazines, I even love waiting rooms. So next time you're feeling a little blue get your tush to your local news stand and buy as many trashy magazines as you can get your hands on. Bonus if it's of celebrities and their cellulite!

6. Walks. I don't like sports and I don't like the gym. The only thing I like is taking walks, long walks and just wandering around. Walks kept me sane throughout high school and Romania. Without them I'd be a complete loon by now.

5. Cookie Dough...well duh oh and cake batter.

4. I try not to talk about the Cure more than once a post but come on, they were so right when they said "It's Friday I'm in Love..." That's because Friday's are the best day of the week. I only have school twice a week but Friday's still have my heart. Friday happy hour could be compared to a religious experience or therapy in my book.

3. Catching Hills season 1 randomly on MTV. The Hills was only good the first season because Spencer Pratt is gross and Heidi became a robot by season 2. It's also the only season where Lauren gets drunk a lot and actually cries. That's why it became fake after that. God could you imagine if all your drunken sobbing tirades were caught on camera and aired to pre-teens across the United States? No wonder she became boring.

2. Not to be all lushy on you but sometimes you just need a glass of wine, or a bottle, or whatever. Stay in one night and drink alone and watch Hilary Duff movies, trust me it'll be the best night of your life.

1. Speaking of Hilary Duff movies, nothing is better, well except Olsen twins movies.

I believe in LOVE again...

I used to be a big believer in love and soul mates. I was particularly idealistic and romantic during the 1990's when my Disney consumption was at an all time high.

Sadly, my dreams of finding the "one" began to fade in the 2000's. This was mainly the result of the Barbie and Ken breakup of 2004, the death of John Hughes, and my increasing obsession with Sex and the City (The series, not the movies!).

So by 2011 I had completely given up on the idea of true love and romance. That was until today. Today, my hope has been restored courtesy of Matel.

For those of you who are not aware of the dirty breakup, Barbie was done with Ken back in 2004. He was kind of high maintenance and became completely jealous of Barbies booming career. He loved her, but he perhaps loved her too much. I heard he wouldn't even let her out of the house, terrified that he'd lose her. Barbie's BFF Theresa even told me that they went out one night and Ken was blowing up her phone, flipping out, demanding she come back home asap. Bummer city!

Barbie loved Ken but being the smart independent hottie that she was, she dumped his ass and moved on to Australian surfer Blaine who was a breath of fresh air. He was fun, carefree, and umm hello? totally hot!

The breakup didn't just devastate me, it also tore poor Ken apart. He fell into the bottle for a little bit and had a string of meaningless one night stands. Finally in 2007, Ken started to get his shit together and did some soul searching. He went traveling and just focused on himself, figuring out what he wanted and why he had become a total bugaboo. After a few years of Ken doing Ken, he discovered that his crazy antics had all been based on his insecurity.

Meanwhile in Australia, Barbie was getting pissed off at Blaine and his lackadaisical ways. She's a doctor, a lawyer, a model, and works at McDonalds and all Blaine did was smoke pot and bitch about Outback Steakhouse. I mean don't get me wrong, he was totally fun, but not the kind of guy you could really get serious with. Barbie missed the strong connection she shared with her first love Ken. He may have been difficult, but their love was real.

Anyway, long story short, Ken is trying to win back Babs in time for the most romantic day of the year. Go here to vote and lets get these two kids back together so that I, and girls everywhere, can once again believe in love.

Twilights last reaming...

Oh the Super Bowl. Since I'm old and require at least 10 hours of sleep to function normally, I missed the big event which didn't air until midnight this side of the Atlantic, but I spent all morning catching up. From the limited research I've done thus far, it looks like the commercials were pretty bad and that Christina messed up the national anthem, I told you she was the new Lohan.

But for me, like a lot of Americans I know, it's not really about the game is it? It's the entire event. It's the fact that it is a total and complete representation of America and American culture. Everything is bigger, it's brighter, it's better. No other event in the world can even compare. And don't go all World Cup on me, that's a month long, global, and only happens every 4 years.

When I watched the game highlights, and by game I mean the half-time show and Christina's flub, I became incredibly proud of my country. I love that we aren't subtle, I love that we are loud, I love that everything is covered in glitter and that when we do something, we go all the way. No other nation in the world can throw a party like we can and for that, I'll always proudly rock my Red, White, and Blue.

Oh and I have to say, Eminem's Chrysler commercial brought a tear to my eye. Long live the motor city!!

Furthermore, people need to chill out about the Black Eyed Peas, I love them and I love Fergie. They put on a great show as far as I'm concerned and anyone who disagrees is just being a music snob. We should all just be happy that it wasn't Katy Perry or even worse... Lady Gaga.

So God Bless you America, I miss you, I miss your nachos, your chicken wings, your love for your soldiers, and your shitty, shitty Doritos commercials.

Oh and congrats Packers. It looks like you did a pretty good job too.

How to party with a moderately famous band...

Last night my friends surprised me with tickets to see Cage the Elephant in North London. It was a blast and the night ended at around 2am in Shoreditch. Well anyway here's my step by step guide on how to party with a moderately famous band, and I'll tell you right now it doesn't involve drugs or sex, thank you very much!

Start the night by saying "I'm not going to drink that much and I'll try to be back before the tube closes so that I won't have to take bus 14 all the way back."

Arrive at the venue and buy cheap beer. Push your way past all the 16 year olds to the front row. Who doesn't want to be in the front row?

Buy another beer.

Try to make eye contact with a lesser important band member, i.e. don't go for the lead singer, focus on the bassist.

Fail miserably.

When the show is over go and buy another beer.

Have your friend from Kentucky tell the band that is also from Kentucky that she is from Kentucky.

Get back stage, I mean get in the back alley.

Meet someone from your home town and have an awkward conversation about Wegmans.

Start talking to a random friend of the band.

Get invited to the after party.

Talk about Kentucky Friend Chicken.

Learn that all the band members are either married or engaged. Switch your dancing from hot to joke and lose all hope of having them fall in love and living off their royalties.

Have fun instead.

Get yelled at because Kentucky boys don't love to joke dance, i.e. get bent over.

Have a deep conversation with the guitarist, "Are you having fun?" "Yes, I'm just an introvert."

Leave because your feet hurt, get invited back for their show in March.

Wish there was a 24/7 McDonalds.

Can I join a cult?

Last summer my neighbor went to a Christian camp. Oops sorry, a born again Christian camp, yes there is a huge difference. The counselors told my little neighbor that the apocalypse was coming and that unless she accepted Jesus into her heart she would fall into the fiery depths of hell, like the rest of her misguided friends and family. She totally bought it and came back to Rochester with glazed over eyes and a holier-than-thou attitude. It took months to de-brainwash her and convince her that if the apocalypse does come, the Catholics, not the born agains, would be the only survivors, duh! Talk about a bummer.

Anyway, despite my concern, I have to say that I was pretty jealous. No one has ever tried to recruit me into a cult. I have tried to walk around looking doe-eyed and naive. It's not like I've been trying to get recruited into the Masons, just an ordinary "drink the kool-aid kind" of cult.

For awhile I thought maybe I could try and start my own cult. If no one would invite me, why not make my own? I thought about it, but then I realized that it wouldn't truly fulfill me. I wanted to BE brainwashed, I didn't want to brainwash others.

So here is my cult wish list. I'll be waiting impatiently for an invite...

10. Church of Bible Understanding. This cult was started by a vacuum repairman! That sounds very exciting. They even have a mission in Haiti. I was hoping for an invite but I think my chances are pretty slim due to their main recruitment technique, which is targeting children 11-13. Damn, missed the mark!!

9. The Manson Family. Charles Manson was a total psychopath but he was also apparently very charming, because well, only charming people can lead cults. He raped and killed a bunch of people but his followers did most of his dirty work. I'm not too into blood so this probably wouldn't be the cult for me, oh and also most of the members got arrested and are in jail. I guess that means that there are at least a few vacancies.

8. Scientology. This cult is a little too easy for me to get in. All you have to do is write a check or be a gay, male, celebrity. I'd have to say that this is my last resort. If no one tries to recruit me by, lets say 27, then I'll turn to scientology. Wait, does that mean I can't take xanex when I fly?

7. Hare Krishnas. This cult was a pretty big deal with idealistic hippies back in the 70's and that doesn't really appeal to me. I like my cult's to be a little darker and a little less tambourine. I'm also more interested in a cult that is on it's way up, not one that is so 30 years ago. Oh well, I guess beggars can't really be choosers.

6. Children of God. This cult is beyond disturbing because they believed in having sex with children. I think that's why River Phoenix overdosed and Rose McGowan is such a looney-toon. This cult also turned female members into prostitutes in order to recruit new members and called it "flirty fishing" (to be fair, alliterations get you a long way with me). Word play aside, I'm thinking this is not the cult for me so I'm just going to avoid prostitutes from now on.

5. Heavens Gate. Yes! This is my favorite cult of all time. Anyway this cult had a very cool logo and believed that the Hale-Bopp comet was coming to take them away. In order to get on the comet they all killed themselves in a house in San Diego. They all wore matching sneakers too which takes it to a whole other level. I'd love to get into this cult except they pretty much all died. Ohhh what's that? I think I hear a comeback!!

4. Solar Temple. Yet another dooms day cult. This cult believed the apocalypse was also coming and that suicide was the only option. Very similar to Heaven's Gate, except they killed themselves in Switzerland which I think puts them ahead of Heaven's Gate in the rankings. Fun Fact: the leader Luc Joret was a Gestapo Officer during WWII and died with 93 million dollars in the bank!

3. Branch Davidians. This cult is precious because it included a charismatic leader, the stockpiling of weapons, and then deadly fire. 76 people died and this time it had nothing to do with mass suicide. No one is really sure if it was the government or the cult's fault and no one ever will. What happens in Waco, stays in Waco.

2. The People's Temple. Oh well this one is equally adorable because it is the cult that actually involved poisonous Kool-aid and proves that socialist doctrine is literally suicidal! In fact, after facing charges from the United States followers of People's Temple fled to Guyana. Convinced that the U.S. government was hot on their heels, 909 members drank kool-aid and killed themselves. I guess I won't get into this one either, only the good die young.

1. The Duggar family. I want long permed hair, I want to wear long jean skirts, and I want my name to start with "J." I mean, Michelle can't actually give birth to me but maybe I can just line up with them and they'll never know. Yes, I would give up the internet for them.

I think my chances of being recruited by any of these cults is slim to none which is incredibly frustrating. All the good cults happened before my time and now all we're left with is Scientology and Born Again Christians. If only I was born 10 years earlier!!!