75 ways to stay happy forever

so I read this article about how to stay unhappy forever. It was pretty basic, you know don't judge people, don't be mean to yourself ect. ect. I agreed with the entire list but since I can't steal other people's work and I spent an entire day listening to the Black Eyed Peas (totally puts me in a good mood) I'm going to tell you 75 ways to stay happy forever. Ed note: It's pretty much girl centric because I don't know what boys do....ummm I guess watch sports and get laid?

1. Get your nails done

2. Get your hair done

3. Watch trash TV

4. Buy trash magazines

5. Bagels

6. French fries

7. Cut out unnecessary people

8. Learn to be your own best friend

9. Get along with your family

10. Learn how to make a pie, I think only apple counts though

11. Do yoga

12. Drink water

13. Drink diet coke

14. Go on fabulous vacations

15. Go to the seaside once a year

16. Be scared

17. Be nostalgic

18. Wear makeup

19. Don't wear makeup

20. Wash your face at night

21. Buy new shoes

22. Watch chick flicks

23. Read an awesome book

24. Stalk David Sedaris

25. Climb a tree

26. Go sit in the woods

27. Get off facebook

28. Lose the smart phone

29. Imagine having a conversation with Spencer Pratt

30. Don't hate someone because of politics

31. Don't hate someone unless they fuck you over

32. Burrow

33. Mellow

34. Listen to the Black Eyed Peas

35. Have a really good beer with lunch

36. Take a bath

37. Pet a dog

38. Spoon a dog

39. Catch up with an old school homeboy

40. Buy candles

41. Drink coffee outside

42. Be alone

43. Go to a party

44. Work your ass off

45. Give to charity

46. Watch the news

47. Go to a museum alone

48. Buy chocolate

49. Buy chips

50. Know that you are cooler than everybody else

51. Read Lesley Arfin

52. Listen to sad songs and look out a window

53. Go swimming

54. Go tanning

55. Drink wine alone

56. Gossip

57. Stalk people from high school on facebook, ew can't believe she got pregnant

58. Sit in a corner

59. Cook a meal

60. Buy a lollypop

61. Say lollypop

62. Dance

63. Go to a carnival

64. Eat salt water taffy

65. Talk to your mom

66. Eat kraft mac and cheese

67. Buy new socks

68. Buy new sheets

69. Go hiking

70. Buy a new necklace

71. Do laundry

72. Wink at a stranger

73. Scream when you need to

74. Understand it's ok that you don't like radiohead or sonic youth

75. Be selfish

The men of jersey shore

So I just finished watching last night's episode of the shore and wow, it's basically cast like a boy band. I mean yeah, they are all gorilla juice heads but each one has such a unique personality. I challenge any girl on the planet to watch the show and now fall in love with at least one of the boys. Hell! even Chloe Sevigny was spotted hanging with Pauly D. To be fair their true personalities didn't shine too bright until this season, thank you Mike for letting some of the others step into the light. Well here's the breakdown:

The Situation: Arguably the most famous of the jersey juice heads. He has a horrible face but his abs are INCREDIBLE. I would say he's the "Older brother of the band" comparable to Kevin from the Backstreet boys. He sorta calls the shots but he's not that cute or funny. In season one he totally took charge while the others fell into line. Even this season he is often seen taking on the paternal role of the house, taking care of poor Ronnie when he cries, cooking everyone dinner, and sounding the grenade whistle. Oh and not to mention, he's almost 30 and a total dick.

Vinny: Vinny is OBVIOUSLY the cute one. He is just so adorable, you want to take him home and cuddle, right snooks? He's totally sweet, loves his mother, and has a sensitive side. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a total crush on him. And whose heart didn't break a little when he got stood up on a date in Miami? I mean he even bought her flowers! SWOON. Comparable to Nick in BSB

Pauly D: In my personal opinion, Pauly D is the heartthrob. I mean he sort of has that bad boy thing going for him, yet he is totally funny and pretty witty. "BURGERS FOR THE BOYS" "CABS ARE HERE" Ok maybe he's not witty, but he is totally funny. When I first laid eyes on him, I thought he was a total douche, but now I fall deeper and deeper in love with him each episode. If he ever cuts his hair, I'll cut my wrist. Comparable to Brian in the Backstreet boys.

Ronnie: Last but certainly not least we have Ronnie, the total bad boy in the group. He vowed never to fall in love at the Jersey Shore, which pretty much means he was desperate to find love at the Jersey Shore. When he fell in love with Sammi I was actually upset, would she actually be able to tame our man? Nope! he's still a total jerk, maybe it's the steroids? But to be fair he does have a sensitive side, he cried an awful lot this season then called his Daddy for emotional support. He's comparable to A.J.

Alright well they are one member short of actually being a boy band, but we'll let it slide because everyone knows that the last member of the band is forgettable anyway. I would love for any of these boys to take me out on a date. I'd even buy my antibiotics in advance. That's right Shore house, I'm a guarantee.

Modern womyn

Every girl should be a feminist and no, I don't mean that you can't shave your legs or think make-up is evil. Being a feminist just means you don't feel like getting raped, you believe in birth control, and you don't feel inferior to men. That is literally all it means, so don't go shaving your head and bitching about horrible, emotionally crippled men. Actually, we have probably been doing too much of this.

In fact we should be helping our brothers out, because it looks like they need it. According to a recent study:

Among pre-adults, women are the first sex. They graduate from college in greater numbers (among Americans ages 25 to 34, 34% of women now have a bachelor’s degree but just 27% of men), and they have higher GPAs. As most professors tell it, they also have more confidence and drive. These strengths carry women through their 20s, when they are more likely than men to be in grad school and making strides in the workplace. In a number of cities, they are even out-earning their brothers and boyfriends.

So women in their 20's are the new alpha males? When I first read this I was patting myself on the back and listening to Alanis Morsette. I mean we came a long way in only a hundred years. We should be proud! The people who once controlled us are now being controlled by us, oh wait one problem, how unattractive is that? I think we've just shot ourselves in the foot ladies...

I'm all for having a career, I'm all for making my own money, and I genuinely enjoy being on my own. I have a lovely little life and I see no reason to share it with some smelly boy until I decide to procreate. That being said, I really wish we hadn't emasculated men so much that they have literally started wearing tighter jeans than us, crying more than us, and being less ambitious than us. Pretty soon we will be the ones pulling out their chairs and giving them our jackets so that their delicate skin doesn't get too chilly.

It hasn't really been such a problem in England, these boys have incredible manners, but back in upstate New York where we have apparently bullied men into being girls, it was a major issue. I literally met men who were scared of bugs, men that didn't have a drop of ambition or a single passion, men that would cry, A LOT and I even met men that said vaginas were gross (and no they were not gay). They weren't even looking for a partner, but a new mother, one that would take care of them and make sure there were no monsters under their bed. Sexy.

Listen boys, we took back the night, and now maybe it's your turn to take back the testosterone? Maybe just a little bit? Get that job, go to school, and buy me dinner...if you do that, I promise to keep my hair long and smelling of flowers. Hey! I may even pop out a baby for you (like in 10 years).

It's not that we want to dim ourselves down just so boys can feel like big strong men again, but maybe we can just scoot over a little bit so that they can squeeze their way to the front row too? If we don't I'm afraid that they will be the ones dragging us to see the new Katherine Heigl movie and that is just not something I can handle.

If I was a teenager

I'm really old now, like 22. I get terrible hangovers, go to bed at 11, and watch M*A*S*H. All of my friends have real people jobs and live for the weekends. I'm not completely in the grind yet, but it's only a matter of time before I graduate with a masters and make entry level money. Something to look forward to...

Anyway, if I was a teenager in 2011 this is what I'd totally be in to:

5. Twilight- I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I read and watch Twilight now. The problem is, it isn't cute for a 22 year old to do it, it's like a red flag to all eligible bachelors so sadly I have to keep my Twilight addiction on the DL. That being said, if I was a teenager I would be so loud and proud about my love for Edward it would make Bella blush. I'd probably wear the t-shirts and the pins while daydreaming about my glittery supernatural love. God he's hot.

4. Jersey Shore- When I was a teen I snuck episodes of the Real World but everybody knows the Real World is stupid now and the cool kids watch Jersey Shore. I shudder to think that my 14 year old neighbor has seen this but she probably has...I guess I won't know until she comes home covered in glitter.

3. Demi Lovato- She's this generations lindsay lohan. I love that she's a hot mess, so dramatic, but I like that in a starlet.

2. Justin Beiber- I like him because he hangs out with Ludacris and Luda is awesome. I get that he's cute and he's got a good voice but he's also a total brat. I mean I want to kick him, but if I were 16 I'd probably throw my training bra on stage. When you're 16 the brattier the boy the more alluring he is.

1. Big Time Rush- I had no idea who these kids were until I went on MTV.com yesterday and they were recommended. Basically I guess they have a show and they are really hot. Not to mention this is literally some lyrics from their song "I want to be your boyfriend...bigger than a twilight love affair, I'll be here." God I swooned just typing that. Too bad they all look a little more feminine than me.

Wow I really need to stop reading tigerbeat...

My sister wants a shout out...

So my sister pimps out my blog on her facebook, well actually no, I pimp out my blog on her facebook. Anyway because I use her wall as Ad space she wanted a shout out. What she's forgetting is that growing up she was never really nice to me. Luckily for her I turned out okay despite her best efforts to cripple me both emotionally and physically. Since I have an open heart made completely of gold I have forgiven her and decided to give her that shout out she so desperately wanted. So here is a brief look at our history:

When I was a growing fetus she kicked my mother in the stomach. You can blame it on the stress of being a 4 year old but I just think she had it out for me from the start.

When I was 4 she made "corn cakes" out of clay. I had to bite them because we were playing pretend peasant and peasants should be happy with whatever they are given. Play-doh still makes me cringe.

When I was 5 she invented the horse game. the object of the game was for me to crawl across my front yard like a horse while she chased me on foot and then beat me with a riding crop. If I crossed over the driveway I'd get lemon ice, but surprisingly I never crossed over and subsequently was beaten every afternoon when I got home from school.

When I was 5 she and my babysitter (who are friends now) would play hide and seek with me, funny thing is, they would never come find me.

When I was 6 she put dog poop in a milkshake and made me drink it. As you can imagine, it tasted like shit.

When I was 6-10 we would play shark in my pool. Erin, always a sucker for detail, would hold my head under the water until I stopped struggling and then she would actually bite me until I bruised.

When I was 8 the trampoline blew away and landed on top of someone's car leaving it severely damaged and flipped over. During the three week period that it was flipped she made me learn, practice, and master her dance routine to the song One Week by the Barenaked Ladies. Just like Pavlov's bitches, I still feel the need to perform every time that damn song comes on.

When I was 9, her and her friend told me I was bad because I didn't finish my bagel. They told me that there were starving children in India who would kill for that bagel. I believe my brief stint in peace keeping had a lot to do with that one incident.

After I turned 9 my sister became a teenager and focused more of her angst on my parents than on me which really helped improve our relationship. She's pretty cool now and does the whole art thing, she also makes sure my eyebrows stay in check and that I am using the right shade of blush, but just because I have forgiven doesn't mean I've forgotten. Love you Erin, Can't wait to announce my pregnancy on your wedding day!

Blue Valentine

I absolutely hate movie reviews because they talk about stuff nobody cares about like lighting and acting. I also hate them because reviewers never agree with me, what do you mean Raise Your Voice wasn't worthy of an Oscar Nom? Anyway they are horrible. That being said I just watched Blue Valentine and I really need to talk about it so here I am...

So basically it's like a dramatic version of 500 days of summer. Hipster boy meets hipster girl, they have quirky inside jokes, a dog dies, half an abortion occurs, lots of fighting, and tears. The movie actually made me cry three times (almost as much as Marley and Me) and made me decide to focus way more on my career and way less on that elusive Prince Charming, which Gosling points out doesn't exist. I watched it after reading about it on Thought Catalog where one writer claims he knows three couples who called it quits after the movie. Long story short it was incredibly depressing.

So why is it so depressing:

10. A dog dies...immediate tears. It was just there, on the side of the road, DEAD.

9. Ryan Gosling goes bald, starts smoking, and drinking. In the bits of film that take place in the past he is a total stud. He's tough, ripped, sweet and witty. 8 years after that he is a total loser that you could see in any sports bar in upstate New York. Total dream crusher. I guess nothing gold can stay.

8. The good looking jock is a dickhead who also becomes ugly. Michelle Williams is officially out of options by the time her character hits 30. This gives us all something to look forward to.

7. They move from Brooklyn to Pennsylvania. Some people may not cringe over this but my biggest fear in the entire world is that I will end up in Pennsylvania. It actually made me cry.

6. Old man Walter, the WWII decorated veteran, dies. What can I say, I'm American I have a soft spot for Vets. Especially ones who are that adorable. It was worse than when the dog died.

5. Michelle Williams has really nice hipster hair in the beginning then gives it all up for a banana clip and bad roots. You're a nurse love, you make decent money, get your hair did.

4. There is an abortion scene, talk about a buzz kill. Just don't tell Justin Beiber.

3. Michelle Williams goes from kooky to hot mess in less than a decade. Telling jokes about pedophiles is hilarious, wheeling around in a wheelchair all day is wacky, taking care of your dying grandmother is lovely but then, 8 years later being a total nag and asking someone to hit you is a total bummer.

2. Pretty much everyone else dies except for William's character's asshole father, and even he is dying by the end. To be fair, it never says they die they just aren't there anymore. Oh right, and Michelle's Mom says she was never in love and eluded to the fact that it doesn't exist. Just in case you didn't get that from the entire plot.

1. Gosling walks away from his crying little girl in the end. In five years time she will be passed around the football team like the village bicycle. Girl's with daddy issues break my heart.

So basically if you want to feel like there is absolutely no point, that you'll never be happy and that nuclear families are a myth then watch Blue Valentine, if you don't want to end your life then pop in When Harry Met Sally, god that Meg Ryan is just as cute as a button.

How to have the perfect saturday night...

Be hungover all day.

Wish you had more water and less gin the night before.

Eat eggs because you read somewhere that eggs help combat hangovers.

They don't.

Get ready for happy hour.

Move slowly, like you're being asked to fight a dragon with a fatal wound.

Meet your fabulous friend at the pub.

Immediately remember why you agreed to this the night after a party.

Start off right, long island iced tea.

Switch to wine.

Talk about Barbies and being 13. She really did have amazing shoes.

Get drunk.

Talk about boys.

Get drunker.

Move to a new bar, you're too embarrassed to order another bottle of wine at this one.

Order another bottle of wine.

Act stupid but talk about how you're really both smart.

New bar, need to dance.

Tequila.

Joke dancing with Persian men.

More joke dancing.

Annoy everyone within a 5 foot radius.

More tequila.

Hit on bartender.

Fail miserably.

Too drunk.

Run out and decide you really need a Kebab.

Buy one, with LOTS of ketchup.

Stumble home.

Drunk facebook/skype.

Eat your Kebab in a hot bath.

It doesn't get any better than that.