Grrrrrossssss

So I was doing my usual facebook stalking yesterday, and yes I continue to get much better at it with each passing day. That being said, I came across a status update about how one girl felt unloved and miserable. Then she even asked why she was so unlovable. She was immediately flooded with wall posts and comments galore about how wonderful and fabulous she was. Now, usually the self-pity of a facebook acquaintance would be none of my business, but since it was actually published on facebook I will make it my business.

This is a little lesson on human nature and appropriate facebook etiquette.

10. Never whine about being sick. If you just have a cold then nobody cares, and if you're dying of liver cancer than it just makes everyone very, very uncomfortable. I understand the need to be coddled when you're brain is melting and you're face is running, but that should be left to your mother, not the greater facebook community.

9. Myspace pictures on facebook. There is a reason Myspace just let go of half of their staff and is slowly, and painfully dying. It's because it became a parody of itself and 12 year old girls using angels to make themselves look better also made everyone uncomfortable. When I log on to facebook and I see someone whose new facebook picture is self taken in a mirror I feel sick inside and want to become a hermit for them.

8. Bitching about break-ups. I wonder why he dumped you, maybe it's because you put your entire spectrum of emotions on your facespace profile. Saying "Timmy Jonhson is a dick" only makes you look crazy, it doesn't make Timmy look like a dick.

7. Facebook quizes....WTF? stop trying to send subliminal messages to the boys you like.

6. Marilyn. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. He was telling me about one of his exes who was crazy and loved Marilyn Monroe. No shit. You want to know if someone is crazy check their facebook and if Marilyn is listened anywhere on the profile run away as fast as you can. Marilyn was killed by the Kennedy's and died in an apartment surrounded by animal feces. Super cute hero.

5. Pictures of your baby. When people get pregnant and then put pictures of their spawn on facebook it's sort of weird. Babies shouldn't be making their facebook debut until they hit 13 and start hating their parents.

4. "Liking" a lot of things. I always know someone is crazy when they have "liked" half a million things. I don't like most things in real life, this means I like even less things in fake facebook life. When people like a lot of things it means they are trying to show people a little something quirky about their personality. If you have to show it on facebook, you ain't got it.

3. When people say they are going to delete their facebook. This is just like when people say they are sad or sick on facebook. They need positive feedback from the masses in order to convince them to stay. Sorry Trish, you can leave the party.

2. When people threaten to delete friends on facebook. If I see one more status saying "I'm going to start deleting people" I'll gag. Delete me, it's fine, if you feel as though I am not adding anything to the facebook conversation than by all means go ahead. Besides, you added me.

1. Actually deleting me.....does that mean we aren't real life friends anymore either? Do I still have to nod at you when I see you at Eastview mall?

The evolution of the perception of my father

I love my Dad even though he is an absolute nut job, in a good way of course. That being said, I have just now become aware that he is a nut job. He literally never led on to the fact that he was crazy, then when we were pretty much done being raised he let his true personality shine. So here it is, the evolution of the perception of my father, Big Joe D.

0-10: When I was little I thought my Dad was the biggest, strongest person in the world. I told my daycare teachers I was going to marry him (no freudian) and all the bullies that my Dad would come and beat them up. He used to spill coffee on me every time he drove me to work but that was ok because big guys who beat up bad guys need their coffee for strength. He wasn't actually a person, more like a superhero who played way too much golf and wore way too many polos.

10-15: At this point my Dad was still the big guy, but he also became an authority figure. I never got in trouble too often, but at this point I wasn't getting great grades and I figured out I hated sports. So he was still my Dad, and I still loved him, but sometimes he was a pain in the ass.

15-20: I was pretty much done growing up at this point so we got along better. I got my shit together and my grades went up. It also became apparent by this point that I would never like sports so he gave up on that hope. We reached a good balance but he was still the big cheese and I was still afraid he would yell at my sometimes.

20-22: The man is a nut. Now that I'm done with college and so I can't really fuck up that badly anymore I know him more as a person as opposed to a parent. He has crafted this persona of a redneck lawyer, and the perfect asshole who secretly gives money to bums on the street and genuinely believes in any and all conspiracy theories. Until recently, he drove around in a bright yellow hummer with an NRA sticker listening to Dave Clark 5. He also plays with trains and refuses to learn how to print anything off the computer. While I was home for Christmas, he brought us to a friend's Christmas party JUST to show us how weird/whipped his friend was. We spent the entire time giggling at our hosts in the back corner like a couple of cool kids in middle school, then we ran out without saying goodbye.

Ed. note: He comes highly recommended by all the inmates at the Monroe County Jail....awesome.

Well, well, well

I have been the worst blogger ever this holiday season and I apologize. Unfortunately, I have a few projects due for class so my energy has been focused into the boring lame stuff. That being said, heres a post, finally.

HAPPY NEW YEAR. 2011 looks like a goody. I'm ready for it.

My sister was at a New Year's party and she met a girl who was going on and on about how she didn't believe in New Years Resolutions. I mean, I totally get that. There is nothing worse than someone who says they are going to eat better, exercise and quit smoking. Thats boring and no one cares. Luckily for you lot, my New Years resolutions are fabulous, and even if they're not, I like to talk about myself. So here you go...

5. No Scrubs. Dating is expensive for guys, but that's because they didn't let us vote until 1920. It's called reparations. If I have to go on one more date where I drop more cash than my gentleman caller I am just going to walk away, no scratch that, run away. So for 2011, Imma be a spoiled little bitch. Sup boys?

4. Change up my routine. I'm a creature of habit and subsequently everyday I do pretty much the same thing. This is due partially to my high anxiety and partially due to the fact that I hate people who describe themselves as spontaneous. So from now on, I'm going to take a different route when I walk to Tesco to get my daily sandwich.

3. Clean my room. This has been my resolution since I was 5 because my mom made me. It has never happened and it has never worked. My head is chaotic so my room has to be chaotic. And dare I say it? Clean people remind me of boring people, sometimes I think they just are boring people. But of course, in the name of tradition, I'm going to keep it on the list. Everyone has to fail at one resolution don't they?

2. Be better at Facebook stalking. I'm already really good at it, but I want to be the best. I also want to be the best at knowing celebrity gossip and all things pop culture related. I think this will definitely make me a more interesting person who is a hit at parties.

1. Listen to my Mom more. She can read people like nobody's business and can spot a bad apple from a mile away. Her father was knighted but she still has a huge crush on LL Cool J. Not to mention she's 60 and walks around the ghetto of Rochester like Jay Z. She knows what's up, even if she is adopted.

Good luck to everyone...hope you improve in 2011

London on NYE:

Neglect

I'm sorry I've totally been neglecting my blog during this Christmas season, but I hope you all have been neglecting the internet and spending time with the ones you love, no homo.

That being said, I just want to let you all in on a little secret. As you all may or may not know, I am terrified of flying. But this time I was cool, calm and collected and do you want to know why?

Gin. Drink lots and lots of gin before you get on a plane. Drink so much you pass out during take off. I swear, it's like you have no anxiety at all.

I mean obviously, when you wake up from your drunken stupor you're hungover and confused but it is better than having a panic attack while sitting next to a guy who can't speak English. My sister says scotch does the same thing, but to be honest, scotch usually makes me very mellow and thoughtful. Gin just makes me laugh until I fall asleep. Much better if you ask me.

I mean...

Obviously the last 5 posts were all written under the influence. I'd apologize but you all seem to love it...

How to suck...

10. Get stung by a bee and cry

9. Change the rules and cry

8. Have a big ass and cry

7. Pick your nose, eat it, and cry

6. Have a stay at home mom and cry

5. Have no friends and cry

4. Go to a shit private school and cry

3. Be a narc and a cry

2. Have your parents be in a loveless marriage and cry

1. Have your mom hit on my dad and cry

An open letter to my sister's enemies....

This was written by Erin Laura Dennison, my sister...

A few years ago I moved from NYC to Los Angeles. All my east coast friends gave me shit and warned me not to “get soft”... well, 3 years later I've become a total people pleaser. So, for the sake of keeping it really real, here's a “fuck you” to all those who deserve it (names have been changed to protect the douche-y)

When I was 3, this fuckbag named Troy used to be the resident bully of our pre-school. He reigned the fort and kicked all the girls out. He told me if I stepped foot on his property he was gonna knock me out. I did, and... crickets. He didn't do a fucking thing. What a pussy-ass 4 year old.

When I was in Jr High, AIM was all the rage. My BFF, “Kara”, obv knew my password. She was peanut butter and jealous and decided to go on it one day, pose as me, and tell everyone that I was a lesbian. This was a 7th grade death sentence. I would go to her house and cry about it every day after school... until her confessional during study hall. We're friends on Facebook, and I'm way prettier than her now.

Several years ago, I had this friend. She was a little vapid and boring, but hey, I met her during college and I was drunk. When I was in college, my only BFF qualifiers were that we could share clothes and liked to sneak into the same bars. And by those standards, “Keaghan” and I were the best of friends. She ended up hooking up with my serious boyfriend during alumni week-- who I was convinced was “the one”-- and understandably denied it. Later on, I got our mutual friend drunk enough to spill the beans. Two years ago, I vowed to destroy her. I guess I got distracted, but if I ever get to Boston- you're fucking done for.

When I lived in New Jersey (I know), I shared an apartment with a closet case who promised to ruin my life after I cut him out of one-too-many girls nights. He read my emails and arranged a coup-d'état with my college girl friends. It worked cause we were 21 and drama was fun. My ex later saw him at a bar and hit him; which was awesome, because he would have pulled all my hair out had I tried to fight him myself.

Los Angeles, the rumors are true, you're mostly awful... but my base tan is on point and after hiking 4 days a week, my ass will not quit.