This was written by Erin Laura Dennison, my sister...
A few years ago I moved from NYC to Los Angeles. All my east coast friends gave me shit and warned me not to “get soft”... well, 3 years later I've become a total people pleaser. So, for the sake of keeping it really real, here's a “fuck you” to all those who deserve it (names have been changed to protect the douche-y)
When I was 3, this fuckbag named Troy used to be the resident bully of our pre-school. He reigned the fort and kicked all the girls out. He told me if I stepped foot on his property he was gonna knock me out. I did, and... crickets. He didn't do a fucking thing. What a pussy-ass 4 year old.
When I was in Jr High, AIM was all the rage. My BFF, “Kara”, obv knew my password. She was peanut butter and jealous and decided to go on it one day, pose as me, and tell everyone that I was a lesbian. This was a 7th grade death sentence. I would go to her house and cry about it every day after school... until her confessional during study hall. We're friends on Facebook, and I'm way prettier than her now.
Several years ago, I had this friend. She was a little vapid and boring, but hey, I met her during college and I was drunk. When I was in college, my only BFF qualifiers were that we could share clothes and liked to sneak into the same bars. And by those standards, “Keaghan” and I were the best of friends. She ended up hooking up with my serious boyfriend during alumni week-- who I was convinced was “the one”-- and understandably denied it. Later on, I got our mutual friend drunk enough to spill the beans. Two years ago, I vowed to destroy her. I guess I got distracted, but if I ever get to Boston- you're fucking done for.
When I lived in New Jersey (I know), I shared an apartment with a closet case who promised to ruin my life after I cut him out of one-too-many girls nights. He read my emails and arranged a coup-d'état with my college girl friends. It worked cause we were 21 and drama was fun. My ex later saw him at a bar and hit him; which was awesome, because he would have pulled all my hair out had I tried to fight him myself.
Los Angeles, the rumors are true, you're mostly awful... but my base tan is on point and after hiking 4 days a week, my ass will not quit.
When I was 3, this fuckbag named Troy used to be the resident bully of our pre-school. He reigned the fort and kicked all the girls out. He told me if I stepped foot on his property he was gonna knock me out. I did, and... crickets. He didn't do a fucking thing. What a pussy-ass 4 year old.
When I was in Jr High, AIM was all the rage. My BFF, “Kara”, obv knew my password. She was peanut butter and jealous and decided to go on it one day, pose as me, and tell everyone that I was a lesbian. This was a 7th grade death sentence. I would go to her house and cry about it every day after school... until her confessional during study hall. We're friends on Facebook, and I'm way prettier than her now.
Several years ago, I had this friend. She was a little vapid and boring, but hey, I met her during college and I was drunk. When I was in college, my only BFF qualifiers were that we could share clothes and liked to sneak into the same bars. And by those standards, “Keaghan” and I were the best of friends. She ended up hooking up with my serious boyfriend during alumni week-- who I was convinced was “the one”-- and understandably denied it. Later on, I got our mutual friend drunk enough to spill the beans. Two years ago, I vowed to destroy her. I guess I got distracted, but if I ever get to Boston- you're fucking done for.
When I lived in New Jersey (I know), I shared an apartment with a closet case who promised to ruin my life after I cut him out of one-too-many girls nights. He read my emails and arranged a coup-d'état with my college girl friends. It worked cause we were 21 and drama was fun. My ex later saw him at a bar and hit him; which was awesome, because he would have pulled all my hair out had I tried to fight him myself.
Los Angeles, the rumors are true, you're mostly awful... but my base tan is on point and after hiking 4 days a week, my ass will not quit.
This is fantastic. I want to marry both of you. I was going to complain and say that this blog used to be about traveling and now is just an extended AIM away message...but here you go and TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF.
ReplyDeleteAlso, that kid Blake was the biggest idiot I've come across. He got kicked out of the gym for refusing to put his shoes on. Now your old BFF must have been what's her name...Whaler? And your old roommate must be that gay kid who everyone knew was gay except for himself. Pure speculation, of course.
Erin: Change the first letter of Keaghan and you'll know who it is...you know her
ReplyDeletei remember the time i saw "Keaghan" driving out of the marshalls parking lot in pittsford, my boyfriend was driving, and i lurched my body totally across him so i could as forcefully as possible, thrust my middle finger out the window at her and yell obscenities. i was like 22 at the time, and since we were both in cars it was about the best i could do. but it was amazing just for the look of horror and fear on her face
ReplyDeleteShe once drove me home from a PSU hockey game and I asked her to stop at Burger King which is about two blocks out of the way. I got like $4 worth of food and gave her a ten to pass over and she kept the change. She said it was for gas money for bringing me there.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm an idiot and just realized who you were talking about so forget about that last story, that was your other buddy from freshman year.
ReplyDelete