The evolution of how to make people jealous

0-5: You don't do anything because you aren't aware of what being jealous is. All you know is that you have some good toys, like you have mad polly pockets, but your neighbor has a cooler Barbie collection. You try to just take them but then you get in trouble. Since you aren't even a real person yet you don't know the rules or what this feeling is. You just know that Courtney's parents must love her more than you're parents love you because she has the Barbie dream house AND the Barbie car.

5-10: You finally understand that some people have more than you and that you have more than others too. This is when you are at your most honest and just tell people exactly whats up. You may say, My Dad is tougher than yours, be jealous, or I'm prettier than you, be jealous. I love 5-10 year olds because they are the purest form of human, besides maybe like sociopaths. They say exactly what they want, when they want, and there is never any bullshit. When I was this age, if I wanted to be jealous I just demanded they be jealous. FYI, my jelly shoes were so much doper than Britney's.

10-15: This is when you start to like boys but you haven't realized that boys are developmentally like 5 years behind you so you try to be subtle to get their attention. You may put up in your away message or status certain things that you know will grab their attention, i.e. "I'm out doing something super fun and being super awesome." smart girls will also leak information to guarantee that the appropriate party will get jealous. i.e. I want Ricky to like me so I better tell Tiffany that I like Peter, who will tell Johnny who will tell Ricky who will be totes jeal then fall in love with me. No seriously, thats the thought process of a 14 year old girl. Oh and Becky is prettier than you and smarter than you? Well if she's prettier than you she must be a slut. This is probably when girls are the most sketchy. It's when they finally realize the power they posses and abuse it. It has only been made worse in the last few years due to social media.

16-21: This is when girls get more active and less subtle. So the facebook update didn't grab Ricky's attention and Becky has a hotter outfit? Don't just blog about it! Hook up with Ricky's BFF at a party in front of the whole school wearing a much better outfit then Becky! Or better yet, sleep with Becky's boyfriend. She's a total bitch anyway.

22-married: Ok you obviously still get jealous and annoyed. The emotion doesn't just disappear after college, but you do learn how to handle it better. You realize that being around people who are better than you only makes you better. When you get jealous you know it's because you're feeling insecure or hurt or bummed out. You don't try to take the bitch down anymore, you just buy a new outfit and work harder. The boy doesn't like you? Thats his problem, the girl is smarter, good for her, they have more than you, well tough shit. You no longer need (although you'll def still crave it) people to be jealous of you, because you finally have your shit together-ish.

Married: It pretty much goes away at this point. As my mother says "I just want everyone to leave me alone"

My first kiss...

Well last night this article was posted on Thought Catalog. I read it, enjoyed it, then enjoyed it all over again when my friend posted it on my wall saying that it sounded like I wrote it. I wish I had written it, hell I wish my first kiss had been like that. That's practically a fairytale compared to beer scented disaster that I had to deal with 6 not-so-long-years ago. So since I can't write anymore about hipsters (because I've already lost 3 facebook friends) here's the tale of my first kiss.

Now when you're a little suburban girl growing up you actually believe that you are a Princess. Especially when both your parents tell you that every single day of your life. Like with all Princesses, I assumed that my first kiss would be after a beautiful ball and that it'd be true love, we'd run away together and get married and live happily ever after. Then I turned 12...

At the age of 12 I started watching teen movies. That's when I learned that Prince's don't actually live in America, we only have Prinzes, Freddie Prinze to be exact. I knew that there would be no castle, and that the only ball I had a shot in hell of going to was the Governor's ball, like in twenty years. In a way teen movies forced me to be realistic, I finally surrendered to the fact that I'd probably have my first kiss in the high school gymnasium.

At 13 I began to sneak MTV, specifically the Real World. That primal, STD bullshit that was going down in that house was not my cup of tea, that was for slutty girls, ones who didn't have good fathers, not me. I knew my kiss would be perfect, none of that MTV shit, save that for the normal teenagers.

Well, then I turned 16. I still hadn't kissed a boy yet, probably due to the fact that I spent so much time thinking about it, well and collecting pokemon cards, that probably didn't help either. So at 16, knee deep in my Blink 182 and Harry Potter obsessions I started talking to this boy who looked like a punk(Ed. note: using the term punk loosely since I just mentioned Blink 182) Harry Potter. He was super cute, always drunk, and his jeans were always dirty, SWOON. He even told me that his eyes were prettier than mine. Game, set, match I was in LOVE.

We'd stay up late texting each other, asking each other what our favorite colors were, listening to Bloodhound Gang and Avenged Sevenfold. I bragged to all my friends about my new prince Charming and thought it was fate that we both owned a studded belt and converse sneakers. It was a teenage dream...

So finally it was time, time to take the relationship to the next level. I went to my friend J's house and there my knight and shining armor stood, well leaned because he was wasted. He was also eating Doritos and smoking cigarettes. We all know a girl loves a bad boy so I signaled for my friends to get lost. They hid behind a bush giggling and cheering us on as the tension continued to build. Finally, after weeks of cyber courtship he leaned in and we kissed...

It was mushy and gross. Not the way Princes or Prinze kissed in the movies. Not romantic or tender, not passionate or happily ever after, no this was a gross MTV kiss. Ew. It lasted for about 15 seconds before I pulled away with a "WTF?" expression on my face. I had been waiting 16 years for THAT? Someone should have told me, it would have been preferable to make out with my dog after she consumed her tenth pound of kibble. Sigh.

But even though it was gross, I stuck with him for a few more weeks, convinced that it had been my fault, not the perfect beautiful eyed angel that sat before me, or umm laid passed out before me. Besides, I had a boyfriend and what's cooler than having a boyfriend at 16? But sadly he didn't feel the same way, he broke up with me over AIM two weeks later. I was heartbroken. I actually cried. I thought we were in love. I mean come on, I stuck with him through Doritos and cigarettes, that takes not only commitment, but a very strong stomach.

Now I look at my 14 year old neighbor. She's going to dances and probably kissing boys underneath the bleachers then telling all her friends. I mean it's totally natural but I wish I could tell her to just wait until she turns 20, when the boys can finally handle their booze and realize the benefits of altoids.

Long story short, I did learn a very important lesson during our two week relationship. While girls may be made of sugar, spice and everything nice boys are made of smoke, processed cheese and beer.

lies the TV told me...

Growing up, I got 50% of my knowledge from the bus and 50% from the TV. I mean, yeah my parents interjected on the daily teaching me important life lessons but really, if it wasn't some famous actor saying it to me over the television I just tuned it out. As I continued to grow and mature I realized that the television lied to me constantly. Thank god my parents were still around to rewire my brain post-TV. Anyway here are the top ten lies:

10. Chubby, hairy guys are always funny. I mean yeah, some chubby hairy guys are really funny just like some hot guys are really funny. But being chubby and goofy does not always equal hilarious. In fact, the years of bullying have turned a lot of these men into assholes. Color me surprised when I just assumed the chubby frat kid was genuinely nice and charming, nope he just used more roofies than per usual.

9. I'd be able to wear designer clothes by my early twenties. No this is not true, just ask the store clerk at H&M.

8. The dark quiet boy in the corner who gets F's is actually just deep and mysterious. I blame this one solely on Jared Leto. I thought that quiet hot kid in the back was just too deep to get good grades. Wow, no he's just actually dumb and illiterate, even though he does lean oh so good.

7. There would be laughter after every crappy joke and pun I made. I still make a lot of puns and cheesy jokes, and yet most of the time no one laughs. WTF is that about? I am hilarious.

6. The Mr. Bigs of the world would eventually come around. Oh he's not calling me back? He doesn't like commitment? He treats me like shit? Well in 10 years time he will totally chase me down in Paris and propose. Right? Any second now...

5. The hot jock will totally fall in love with the nerd. That's what happens. He will see through all that slutty cheerleader hype and fall for the book worm who sees the world a little bit differently. Just look at Glee. Glee wouldn't lie.

4. Going on the Real World is totally a legitimate career option. You get to live in a cool house then you have the option of participating in all the challenges. You can become the next Puck. Then you'll never have to work in an office, you can just get really drunk at the age of 40 as you crawl through obstacle courses and get in petty arguments with 20 year olds, oh wait...

3. I would have a huge multi-colored apartment in Manhattan by the time I was 25. Of course I could work as a waitress in a coffee shop and live in a 1000 sq. foot apartment located only blocks away from central park. I'd live with my best friend and my walls would be purple, hell I'd even have a balcony. As long as every customer tips me $100 with each cup of coffee I should be fine.

2. I'd live next door to my parents who would always be over and bring me food. Well my parents live in Victor, NY and they don't cook so something tells me that this will never happen. Bummer though, I was looking forward to all the shenanigans and hijinks's we were going to get in to.

1. At some point in my life, myself and my 10 closest friends would obviously have to go to Disney World together. One of us would have to try to ride every single ride, someone would obviously get lost, and someone would make out in front of the fountain. Oh well, shit would all come together at the evening parade.

What is normal exactly?

So I was chatting with my college roommate/bffaeaeaeaaeafl the other day on skype. She has a hipster friend in her midst that claimed that my dear dish was "too normal" for her. Now I actually do understand what she meant, anyone whose been to American Apparel understands, however I would have to disagree with her that my friend was a dreaded Normy. I mean she actually owned a hedgehog.

If you read Vice Magazine, Street Carnage, or party in Brooklyn you know exactly what the term normal implies. It means the typical person, frat/jock/cheerleader who wears Reboks and will end up married in the suburbs working a 9/5. A commoner, a conformist. It is the ultimate insult for those under 30.

I know a fair amount of hipsters, I also know a fair amount of guidos, jocks, rich kids, and gasp even goths, and within those categories I know normies and abnormies. i.e. there is nothing normal about my homegirl Jwoww or my boy Pauly. But there is something very, very normal about lady gaga and it makes me gag.

Ask either my sister or myself what it takes to be a kook and we won't say "well traveled, likes to read, in to politics, or art"....no that can just as easily be normy shit, we simply say "do they get it?" Now if you are reading this and that last statement just made sense, congratulations, you are my soulmate and you should probably give me a call.

So what do you do when you see a boy/girl reading a Charles Bukowski novel in a hidden coffee shop on their mac book? Proceed with caution. They may look really deep and intense but the truth is that being deep means nothing, because there is no such thing as shallow or deep, just varying degrees of ordinary and Honey, that image I created was way too ordinary.

So don't be daunted with the whole finding a weirdo in the haystack scenario, here are other sure fire ways to find out if someone is just pretending to be an anti-normy:

10. They talk about politics over dinner. They are just trying to start shit. People who actually read about politics and know whats going on know that it is an inappropriate dinner conversation. They also don't post about it on facebook to give the appearance of being informed. Posting an article about Palestine right after you post that picture of you shotgunning PBR isn't edgy or abnormal anymore, it's just usual.

9. They talk about the amount of pills they're on. Taking medicine that you actually need is totally cool, but there is nothing worse than listening to some college punk go on for hours about their xanex prescription. I know people who need pills, and they don't talk about it.

8. Pretending you're a scholar. Look I'm proud of my college. It served me well and I had a blast. I learned a lot, I grew up a lot, I did a lot, but I'm well aware of the fact that I did not go to an Ivy or MIT so I'm not a "scholar." People of my generation, we're all in the same boat, that expensive little degree that's hanging up in your parents den is essentially worthless.

7. Saying that music is their life. I love music, but so does the rest of the world. It's only your life if it pays the bills.

6. Saying you lived in Europe when you just studied abroad. You better have stayed there for over a year before you drop the word "live." There is nothing worse then a pretentious kid who says they lived abroad, when they went on a university run program. Hell, I don't even say I lived in Cortland and I spent 4 years there.

5. They say they know a lot about wine. I have a neighbor who is going to an Ivy to study wine and wine making. He can say he knows about wine. Drinking a lot of it doesn't mean jack, and I should know. Although I have to say, Franzia does have a lovely floral accent with a citrus finish.

4. Pointing out your quirks to others. Telling everybody that you sit in a dark room or that you're really neurotic is not quirky. If you are truly abnormal people will pick up on this. I mean just look at Charlie Sheen. He didn't even have to say he was a bitching rockstar from Mars, his aura just radiated this vibe on its own.

3. Doing lots of drugs. No I don't think cocaine is edgy, I don't think dropping X is different, it's expensive and it gives you really, really bad taste in music.

2. Wearing weird clothes. Wow, you're wearing a hat with lots of feathers on it, you are so weird. Or you are going to a Baptist church in downtown Rochester.

1. Vegans. Never trust a vegan.

5 things you should never, ever, do

5. Google the plane you're about to fly on- I do this a lot, like every single time before I fly. I do it because I subconsciously hate myself. Oh that plane model has been recalled? Oh the entire fleet has been grounded. 20 of them have crashed in the last ten years? Perfect, can't wait to board now. It's even better when you google image the plane crashing, then to supplement your growing fear, it's a good idea to watch Final Destination and rewind the crash scene a few times to really rub the salt in. Welcome aboard.

4. Walk in the woods alone- I was taking a walk through a wooded area the other day. I wasn't alone, I was with a guy who is a little over 6 feet tall, but I still whipped around every time I heard a twig snap. I mean Hansel and Gretel? Cabin Fever? Practically every murder ever, it all comes down to the woods. Best case scenario you'll find a decomposing corpse, worst case scenario you will be the decomposing corpse. Actually no, worst case scenario you'll run into Bella Swan having a breakdown over her breakup.

3. Look up crime statistics in your neighborhood- My flatmate did this last night. It was really exciting to see that there have been over 100 crimes committed in my area in the last month. It was even more exciting to discover that 5 of these had been violent and just down the street, right by my old flat apparently. I guess I can rest easy knowing that my new apartment is safer, but still I'm going to start carrying a knife and a "don't fuck with me" attitude wherever I go from now on.

2. Watch Taken or Hostel before flying to Europe- This kind of goes along with the whole googling your plane. I watched Hostel before I went backpacking and nearly cried. I had flashbacks to it the entire time I was in Eastern Europe, specifically when I stayed in a really nice Hostel in Budapest. I also let a guy convince me that I was at risk for being sex trafficked due solely to the movie Taken. I mean I love my Dad, but if I was kidnapped by an Albanian I don't think he would go all Liam Neeson on anyone's ass, so essentially I'd end up like Katie Cassidy's character....damn.

1. Watch Human centipede- You just shouldn't watch it because the plot is stupid and you'll want to throw up. You'll also spend a lot of time debating which position would be worse. I mean, in the movie they say being in the middle is worse, but it's my personal opinion that being the last person would be way worse. To each their own I suppose. What do you think?

75 ways to stay happy forever

so I read this article about how to stay unhappy forever. It was pretty basic, you know don't judge people, don't be mean to yourself ect. ect. I agreed with the entire list but since I can't steal other people's work and I spent an entire day listening to the Black Eyed Peas (totally puts me in a good mood) I'm going to tell you 75 ways to stay happy forever. Ed note: It's pretty much girl centric because I don't know what boys do....ummm I guess watch sports and get laid?

1. Get your nails done

2. Get your hair done

3. Watch trash TV

4. Buy trash magazines

5. Bagels

6. French fries

7. Cut out unnecessary people

8. Learn to be your own best friend

9. Get along with your family

10. Learn how to make a pie, I think only apple counts though

11. Do yoga

12. Drink water

13. Drink diet coke

14. Go on fabulous vacations

15. Go to the seaside once a year

16. Be scared

17. Be nostalgic

18. Wear makeup

19. Don't wear makeup

20. Wash your face at night

21. Buy new shoes

22. Watch chick flicks

23. Read an awesome book

24. Stalk David Sedaris

25. Climb a tree

26. Go sit in the woods

27. Get off facebook

28. Lose the smart phone

29. Imagine having a conversation with Spencer Pratt

30. Don't hate someone because of politics

31. Don't hate someone unless they fuck you over

32. Burrow

33. Mellow

34. Listen to the Black Eyed Peas

35. Have a really good beer with lunch

36. Take a bath

37. Pet a dog

38. Spoon a dog

39. Catch up with an old school homeboy

40. Buy candles

41. Drink coffee outside

42. Be alone

43. Go to a party

44. Work your ass off

45. Give to charity

46. Watch the news

47. Go to a museum alone

48. Buy chocolate

49. Buy chips

50. Know that you are cooler than everybody else

51. Read Lesley Arfin

52. Listen to sad songs and look out a window

53. Go swimming

54. Go tanning

55. Drink wine alone

56. Gossip

57. Stalk people from high school on facebook, ew can't believe she got pregnant

58. Sit in a corner

59. Cook a meal

60. Buy a lollypop

61. Say lollypop

62. Dance

63. Go to a carnival

64. Eat salt water taffy

65. Talk to your mom

66. Eat kraft mac and cheese

67. Buy new socks

68. Buy new sheets

69. Go hiking

70. Buy a new necklace

71. Do laundry

72. Wink at a stranger

73. Scream when you need to

74. Understand it's ok that you don't like radiohead or sonic youth

75. Be selfish

The men of jersey shore

So I just finished watching last night's episode of the shore and wow, it's basically cast like a boy band. I mean yeah, they are all gorilla juice heads but each one has such a unique personality. I challenge any girl on the planet to watch the show and now fall in love with at least one of the boys. Hell! even Chloe Sevigny was spotted hanging with Pauly D. To be fair their true personalities didn't shine too bright until this season, thank you Mike for letting some of the others step into the light. Well here's the breakdown:

The Situation: Arguably the most famous of the jersey juice heads. He has a horrible face but his abs are INCREDIBLE. I would say he's the "Older brother of the band" comparable to Kevin from the Backstreet boys. He sorta calls the shots but he's not that cute or funny. In season one he totally took charge while the others fell into line. Even this season he is often seen taking on the paternal role of the house, taking care of poor Ronnie when he cries, cooking everyone dinner, and sounding the grenade whistle. Oh and not to mention, he's almost 30 and a total dick.

Vinny: Vinny is OBVIOUSLY the cute one. He is just so adorable, you want to take him home and cuddle, right snooks? He's totally sweet, loves his mother, and has a sensitive side. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a total crush on him. And whose heart didn't break a little when he got stood up on a date in Miami? I mean he even bought her flowers! SWOON. Comparable to Nick in BSB

Pauly D: In my personal opinion, Pauly D is the heartthrob. I mean he sort of has that bad boy thing going for him, yet he is totally funny and pretty witty. "BURGERS FOR THE BOYS" "CABS ARE HERE" Ok maybe he's not witty, but he is totally funny. When I first laid eyes on him, I thought he was a total douche, but now I fall deeper and deeper in love with him each episode. If he ever cuts his hair, I'll cut my wrist. Comparable to Brian in the Backstreet boys.

Ronnie: Last but certainly not least we have Ronnie, the total bad boy in the group. He vowed never to fall in love at the Jersey Shore, which pretty much means he was desperate to find love at the Jersey Shore. When he fell in love with Sammi I was actually upset, would she actually be able to tame our man? Nope! he's still a total jerk, maybe it's the steroids? But to be fair he does have a sensitive side, he cried an awful lot this season then called his Daddy for emotional support. He's comparable to A.J.

Alright well they are one member short of actually being a boy band, but we'll let it slide because everyone knows that the last member of the band is forgettable anyway. I would love for any of these boys to take me out on a date. I'd even buy my antibiotics in advance. That's right Shore house, I'm a guarantee.