lies the TV told me...

Growing up, I got 50% of my knowledge from the bus and 50% from the TV. I mean, yeah my parents interjected on the daily teaching me important life lessons but really, if it wasn't some famous actor saying it to me over the television I just tuned it out. As I continued to grow and mature I realized that the television lied to me constantly. Thank god my parents were still around to rewire my brain post-TV. Anyway here are the top ten lies:

10. Chubby, hairy guys are always funny. I mean yeah, some chubby hairy guys are really funny just like some hot guys are really funny. But being chubby and goofy does not always equal hilarious. In fact, the years of bullying have turned a lot of these men into assholes. Color me surprised when I just assumed the chubby frat kid was genuinely nice and charming, nope he just used more roofies than per usual.

9. I'd be able to wear designer clothes by my early twenties. No this is not true, just ask the store clerk at H&M.

8. The dark quiet boy in the corner who gets F's is actually just deep and mysterious. I blame this one solely on Jared Leto. I thought that quiet hot kid in the back was just too deep to get good grades. Wow, no he's just actually dumb and illiterate, even though he does lean oh so good.

7. There would be laughter after every crappy joke and pun I made. I still make a lot of puns and cheesy jokes, and yet most of the time no one laughs. WTF is that about? I am hilarious.

6. The Mr. Bigs of the world would eventually come around. Oh he's not calling me back? He doesn't like commitment? He treats me like shit? Well in 10 years time he will totally chase me down in Paris and propose. Right? Any second now...

5. The hot jock will totally fall in love with the nerd. That's what happens. He will see through all that slutty cheerleader hype and fall for the book worm who sees the world a little bit differently. Just look at Glee. Glee wouldn't lie.

4. Going on the Real World is totally a legitimate career option. You get to live in a cool house then you have the option of participating in all the challenges. You can become the next Puck. Then you'll never have to work in an office, you can just get really drunk at the age of 40 as you crawl through obstacle courses and get in petty arguments with 20 year olds, oh wait...

3. I would have a huge multi-colored apartment in Manhattan by the time I was 25. Of course I could work as a waitress in a coffee shop and live in a 1000 sq. foot apartment located only blocks away from central park. I'd live with my best friend and my walls would be purple, hell I'd even have a balcony. As long as every customer tips me $100 with each cup of coffee I should be fine.

2. I'd live next door to my parents who would always be over and bring me food. Well my parents live in Victor, NY and they don't cook so something tells me that this will never happen. Bummer though, I was looking forward to all the shenanigans and hijinks's we were going to get in to.

1. At some point in my life, myself and my 10 closest friends would obviously have to go to Disney World together. One of us would have to try to ride every single ride, someone would obviously get lost, and someone would make out in front of the fountain. Oh well, shit would all come together at the evening parade.