Now when you're a little suburban girl growing up you actually believe that you are a Princess. Especially when both your parents tell you that every single day of your life. Like with all Princesses, I assumed that my first kiss would be after a beautiful ball and that it'd be true love, we'd run away together and get married and live happily ever after. Then I turned 12...
At the age of 12 I started watching teen movies. That's when I learned that Prince's don't actually live in America, we only have Prinzes, Freddie Prinze to be exact. I knew that there would be no castle, and that the only ball I had a shot in hell of going to was the Governor's ball, like in twenty years. In a way teen movies forced me to be realistic, I finally surrendered to the fact that I'd probably have my first kiss in the high school gymnasium.
At 13 I began to sneak MTV, specifically the Real World. That primal, STD bullshit that was going down in that house was not my cup of tea, that was for slutty girls, ones who didn't have good fathers, not me. I knew my kiss would be perfect, none of that MTV shit, save that for the normal teenagers.
Well, then I turned 16. I still hadn't kissed a boy yet, probably due to the fact that I spent so much time thinking about it, well and collecting pokemon cards, that probably didn't help either. So at 16, knee deep in my Blink 182 and Harry Potter obsessions I started talking to this boy who looked like a punk(Ed. note: using the term punk loosely since I just mentioned Blink 182) Harry Potter. He was super cute, always drunk, and his jeans were always dirty, SWOON. He even told me that his eyes were prettier than mine. Game, set, match I was in LOVE.
We'd stay up late texting each other, asking each other what our favorite colors were, listening to Bloodhound Gang and Avenged Sevenfold. I bragged to all my friends about my new prince Charming and thought it was fate that we both owned a studded belt and converse sneakers. It was a teenage dream...
So finally it was time, time to take the relationship to the next level. I went to my friend J's house and there my knight and shining armor stood, well leaned because he was wasted. He was also eating Doritos and smoking cigarettes. We all know a girl loves a bad boy so I signaled for my friends to get lost. They hid behind a bush giggling and cheering us on as the tension continued to build. Finally, after weeks of cyber courtship he leaned in and we kissed...
It was mushy and gross. Not the way Princes or Prinze kissed in the movies. Not romantic or tender, not passionate or happily ever after, no this was a gross MTV kiss. Ew. It lasted for about 15 seconds before I pulled away with a "WTF?" expression on my face. I had been waiting 16 years for THAT? Someone should have told me, it would have been preferable to make out with my dog after she consumed her tenth pound of kibble. Sigh.
But even though it was gross, I stuck with him for a few more weeks, convinced that it had been my fault, not the perfect beautiful eyed angel that sat before me, or umm laid passed out before me. Besides, I had a boyfriend and what's cooler than having a boyfriend at 16? But sadly he didn't feel the same way, he broke up with me over AIM two weeks later. I was heartbroken. I actually cried. I thought we were in love. I mean come on, I stuck with him through Doritos and cigarettes, that takes not only commitment, but a very strong stomach.
Now I look at my 14 year old neighbor. She's going to dances and probably kissing boys underneath the bleachers then telling all her friends. I mean it's totally natural but I wish I could tell her to just wait until she turns 20, when the boys can finally handle their booze and realize the benefits of altoids.
Long story short, I did learn a very important lesson during our two week relationship. While girls may be made of sugar, spice and everything nice boys are made of smoke, processed cheese and beer.
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