An ode to Gavin

For those of you who are unaware of my obsession with Gavin McInnes, this is me letting you know. He is an absolute legend, the only Canadian I have ever loved, or probably will love, sorry Jim Carrey.

He founded Vice magazine and subsequently the hipster in 1994. He used to be in a punk band and did a lot of pAArtying before settling down and having a family (best of both worlds?) and he discovered Lesley Arfin and continues to write for oodles of magazines and streetcarnage.com. He invented do's and don'ts for Christ sakes!!!

Anyway, he's a libertarian, an asshole, and a father. Not to mention the fact that even at 40, he is still cooler than I, or anyone I know, could ever hope to be.

This is something he just wrote that I have been quoting from non-stop over the past week. God it's so good and so true. He is the libertarian/straight David Sedaris and proof that you don't have to be nice or handsome to win my heart, you just have to be an asshole that is way cooler than me.

So heres to you Gavin, my idol.

Snow and things...

Snow has finally arrived in London. Thank god. Don't get me wrong, I am not a snow person usually, but between thanksgiving and New Years Eve, there just has to be a thin blanket of snow. That's just how it is. Snow and Christmas go together like pickles and cheese, wine and sex and the city, Gin and Tonic. They need each other. So what else does Christmas need in order to be Christmas? Well here you go:

10. Trains. My Dad used to be the sort of kid that got a train set every Christmas. Then he saw his pretty neighbor changing in the window and got over the whole "train thing." 40 years later, he rediscovered trains. Now every Christmas he sets up his little Christmas village, fake snow, tiny figurines, little trees and all, and plays with it every night until December 24th. Literally every night. If I'm home, between the hours of 9-11pm I hear the train making it's run around the dining room table and then I hear that damn whistle blowing. It just wouldn't be Christmas without that damn whistle.

9. Getting trampled to death at the mall. I know online shopping is easier, I know that if I was smart I'd get all my shopping done before thanksgiving, but I just need the ritual of being pushed and prodded by strangers like capitalistic cattle. God I love the mall mosh-pit. Something about falling to the ground and spilling all your presents everywhere just screams Christmas.

8. Christmas music. I covered this in a previous post but it is so important I have to say it again and again. Christmas music is essential to both my happiness and my holiday season. I'm also adding Christmas movies to this category too. Love Actually, About a Boy, Elf, Home Alone 1&2, Bridget Jones...These are Christmas.

7. Red wine. Well, this is a recent addition since I didn't drink for a majority of my life. That being said, it wouldn't be Christmas without red wine. It makes everyone feel all warm and cozy. Nothing in the world is better than a fireplace and red wine. I actually challenge anyone to find anything better. Besides, eggnog is disgusting.

6. Hershey kisses. I love chocolate, but I really love chocolate during the holidays. I never eat hershey kisses though unless they are wrapped in red, silver, and green, all dressed up for Christmas. I will eat the entire bag and not regret a second of it.

5. Candy canes. This one is obvious, but the only flavors that are acceptable are peppermint (obviously) and cinnamon. You can have your fruit punch, and lemon flavored canes, they're of no use to me.

4. Advent calendars. 25 days, who can keep track? You need some sort of countdown system, well that's where advent calendars come in, and don't be cheap or boring, you better get the ones with chocolates inside.

3. Chicken wings, pizza, and chinese food. Like I've said before, my family has this really weird white trash streak, the source of which remains completely unknown. We don't do the big roast dinner, with turkey and all the trimmings and I am so thankful for that. We do a buffet. Instead of pretending we want another Thanksgiving, we just buy all of our favorite foods and go at. Thats right, pizza, chicken wings, chowder, shrimp, bread, and cookies. Now that's what I call a feast.

2. Practical gifts. I mean I love the sweaters, the purse I wanted, the camera. These are all well and good and I really do love them. But the things I really look for are my new mascara, new socks, whitestrips, gift certificate to Barnes and Noble and my new toothbrush. I get them every year and they are always my favorite.

1. Twinkle lights. Who doesn't love twinkle lights?! They make everything look like magic, except the shitty, big, multicolored ones, well and the blue Jewish ones.

Honorable mention: Christmas trees, mall Santa, wrapping paper, days-off, sledding.

How to be a teenage girl

I currently know one 13 year old girl. She is incredibly difficult right now, and I have to constantly remind myself that this is normal. I mean lets be real, there is nothing worse than teenage girl. I am well aware that for 8 years of my life, I was a horribly unappealing person. Everything was the end of the world, everything was super serious, and everything was 100% pure emotion. Then when I hit 20, I just sort of came back into consciousness. To be honest, I have more in common now with my 11 year-old self than I do with my 16 year-old self. So heres how to be a teen girl. Live it, love it, work it.

10. your favorite hobby has to be looking in the mirror. If there is a mirror, a shiny surface, a calm body of water, you better be looking in it. This is a result of both self-obsessiveness and insecurity. Your entire life revolves around your hair, which means it needs constant monitoring. If it falls out of place, the world will literally be over and you will lose all of your friends. Oh my god, did you like see her hair today? It was suhhhhhh trashy.

9. You don't like your friends. When your a young girl, all of your friends are just as horrible as you, which means you don't really like them. You pick your friends based on what they wear and which lunch table they sit at. That's it, that is the extent of your common ground. You just pray to god that you can out bitch them, or else you're screwed.

8. Boys. Boys are everything. You're life revolves around your crush, a la Molly Ringwald. When he talks to you, you get high, and when he ignores you, you get so low that you quote shitty songs and cry. If they don't like you, it's because you're not pretty enough, which means you have to spend even more in time in front of the mirror getting mad at your hair.

7. You become obsessed with makeup. Finally you're allowed to wear makeup and so you have go overboard. You put your eyeliner on with a sharpie and pour glitter all over your face. Too much bronzer? check, too much blush? check. Now you look good. Ignore your mother's advice, what does she know?

6. You have to think you're cool. You are the coolest person in the world. You have figured out the meaning of life and adults don't know shit. They're just jealous because you're young and in love. That's why they try to oppress you, and that's why you have to rebel.

5. Sleepovers are essential. This is where you dish all your dirt, sneak alcohol, and be an overall badass. You find out that Becky went to third base with Tom and you talk shit about Jessica, yea she totally got fat over the summer.

4. Speaking of Jessica, if you want to be a teen, you've got to be a bitch. You fight with other bitches in the hall, and you make fun of people for the way they look. Sure it'll bite you in the ass eventually, but that's not really the point now is it. As soon as your one friend leaves the room, you better say something about her outfit. You know the movie Mean Girls? it's all true, and anyone who denies it, was probably the meanest.

3. Shop at Abercrombie, or Guess, social circle depending. If you're t-shirt doesn't say Fitch, you ain't shit.

2. Get a boyfriend. Finally you'll get the boyfriend, and you will be obsessed with him. You thought the amount of time you spent thinking about your crush was bad? That's nothing compared to your shiny new boyfriend. Hell, you don't even have to actually like him. But you have talk about your boyfriend 24/7, annoy everyone about your boyfriend, meet him in between classes, hold his hand, change your facebook status, bitch any girl out who talks to him and get so jealous that you ruin everything. And then when you break-up, cry, quote sad songs, stalk him, trash his name any chance you get, and hope, wish, and pray that he changes his mind and comes back to you.

1. Be overly dramatic. If you're parents ground you, it's the end of the world. If you weren't invited to the party, it's the end of the world. If the boy didn't text you back, it's the end of the world. No one has been through this before, and no one understands your pain. Listen to pop music and finally understand all of the lyrics. Taylor Swift is the only one who "gets you."

Kids say the darndest things

"I'm going to say I like you, but I'm not gonna marry you to each of the boys I see." One of Kimora Lee Simmons kids. An example of why kids can be cool.

My first time....

No, get your head out of the gutter. Since I'm still sober, I'm feeling a little nostalgic. This is about my first drink/ first drunk. This is the kind of thing any American kid goes through, mainly because our government thinks we can die for them before we can indulge in a beer. So when we decide we are ready to drink, it's usually messy and usually involves a few embarrassing twists and turns. Mine is no exception.

The first time I ever touched alcohol was when I was 16. I was leaving for college in the fall and had never gone near the stuff. Worried that I'd get to school and lose my shit, my parents sent me up to SUNY Plattsburgh to see my sister in order to engage in some controlled drinking. When I arrived my sister did my makeup and dressed me so that I'd look older, but not too old, and then we were off to the liquor store. I was left to wait in the car as she bought Red, White, and Blue wine, yes that was actually the name of it. We drove back to her house in excitement. The night was ours, and I was about to get hammered, repercussion free. After an evening of anticipation, it was time to drink. I was sitting on her bed as she blasted the top tunes of the day and poured me a mug of cheap wine. I momentarily panicked before taking a sip. As with anything new, I worried that I would have an allergic reaction to the alien elixir. After a few deep breaths and a mental pep talk, I finally built up enough courage and took a sip. God it was awful, it tasted like all the bad in the world had fallen into my mug. I almost spit it out in complete rejection. How could anyone drink enough of that shit to get drunk?

Grossed out but still determined, I forced myself to drink my mug of wine. It was a slow and painful process, but I knew what I had to do. By the time I saw the bottom of the mug I was hammered. It was the weirdest feeling in the world. I kept whipping my head back and forth, amazed with the delay and the heaviness the small cup had produced. I was thrilled, being drunk was like having a new fun toy.

I held out my mug just like Oliver and eagerly asked for some more. My sister happily obliged, and filled up my cup, and so I continued down my drunken path. After another 20 minutes of itunes and cheap wine heaven it was time to leave. Pregame completed, it was off to the rugby house, with real college boys, oh la la. Once we arrived at the house I was placed on the couch in front of the TV. In Hines sight, it was a virgin sacrifice, but at the time I felt so cool. I was drunk at a college, what could be better?

2 mugs of cheap wine down, I was ready for the harder stuff. My sister made me a mixed drink or 90% coke, and 10% Jack. I took one sip and the room began to spin. Being a drinking virgin, I had no idea what it meant for the room to spin. I thought I had just moved to the next level, I actually believed that I was just getting better at this.

As we sat on the couch, I slumped down, spilling my drink everywhere on everything, and to top it off, I was fading in and out of coherence. Finally, without warning, I just threw up. I threw up all over me, and the couch but I still didn't move. I just sat there hoping no one would notice. Much to my shock, everyone noticed and I was quickly whisked away to the bathroom where I continued to purge myself of the evil Red White and Blue.

Some girls at the party had a good laugh at my expense and my sister's then boyfriend had to clean it up wit a dust buster, not one of my finer moments. I'm just happy facebook didn't really exist at this point. 10 minutes later, sufficiently cleansed, I was carried home and put to bed. The next day I had a 6 hour car ride home and a hangover that would make a grown man cry. Overall it was a very educational weekend, I learned how to pregame, how to pace myself, and that I am a total pussy when it comes to alcohol.

Bros vs. Hoes

So since I was sober and boring all weekend I spent an embarrassing amount of time on brobible.com. This site is absolutely horrible, made for bros, by bros. I literally could smell the Axe just by reading it. Anyway, in one entry, written by Waffles McButter (wonder if that's his real name?) He discusses the top 10 reasons why bros should go out on Thanksgiving Eve. He literally says "Younger women love older men. They always will. These chicks will forever see you as the same upperclassmen they swooned over in the hallway. You were Johnny fuckin' Touchdown back then; the upperclassman who had it all going for him — big-dick rumors and all. So if you haven't lost a step or drastically changed, the odds are in your favor that you can still stuff one of these birds."

Now, the feminist in me was disgusted when I read this. My date rape radar went off, and I became hyper aware of all the cargo shorts in my immediate area (luckily I'm in London, which means there were no cargo shorts nearby). Who was this toddler preying on underaged girls he knew back in high school? Does his mother still wipe his ass and how much time does he spend playing xbox? Nevertheless, I continued to surf through random bro bible entries, simultaneously intrigued and disgusted.

After a few hours reading about pick-up lines and how to score with girls who have daddy issues, I decided to do some counter-research. I swallowed my pride and went against everything I believed in. I bought the December issue of Cosmo. Katy Perry was even on the cover, next to the subtitle "21 secrets to make him fall in love." As I thumbed through the brightly colored pages about clothes, blowjobs, how to flirt, I had an epiphany, Hoes are just as bad as Bros. In fact, I reckon that one can't exist without the other, they are codependent. Waffles McButter and Cosmo columnists not only create balance in the universe, they are actually soulmates. The ying and yang of the 21st century.

Sorority girls and their Fraternity counterparts do not die after graduation, they live on. Finally, they stop trying to figure each other out, they find each other, get married, live in the suburbs and buy minivans, not that there is anything wrong with that.

After completing my counter-intelligence, I was no longer grossed out by Mr. McButter, I was just happy knowing that "Johnny fuckin' Touchdown" would eventually find his Cosmo cheerleader.

Sober weekend

For reasons beyond my control, I had to remain sober this weekend. Not one drink, not even my personal favorite "Krissy and Me wine night." At first I thought that this would be good, I'd be able to wake up early, I wouldn't waste the day being hungover, I'd save money, and I'd get a lot of work done. That was the sober plan. It was foolproof.

Well, imagine my shock as I sit here on Sunday, having woken up past 11 each day, spending more money than usual, getting absolutely nothing done, and just being overall lazy. I would say that this has been my laziest weekend yet, and I didn't even get a weird bruise or a good story out of it.

In fact, the only two things I have accomplished this weekend have been some blogging (god, how gay does that sound) and washing my clothes in the bathtub (washer is broken). I actually didn't even leave the house yesterday, and I'm debating whether or not I should leave it today. I'm actually socially devolving.

Moral of the story, until you have kids, you should probably go out on the weekends, you'll get way more done and be happier.

Take my advice

I get a lot of advice from a lot of people. I mean everybody does, I think that is just part of being a human. Anyway some advice/lessons I've learned have been crap, i.e. don't swim in the ocean, and some have been pure gold. The real trouble starts when you have to sift through the grime to find the gold. These are the best nuggets I've ever received. I follow them like I follow celebrity gossip.

10. Be nice. This one is simple, cliche, and so true. Just be nice, that doesn't mean you have to be a pushover, it doesn't even mean you genuinely have to believe it, it just means you have to appear to be nice. People like nice people, it'll get you far.

9. Always get it in writing. My father is a lawyer, which means I learned the importance of a contract by the age of 6. By 7 I learned that contracts, like promises, can easily be broken. That being said, if you want someone to do something, make sure they write it down, in front of a witness preferably. At the very least, it'll make breaking their promise more difficult and annoying.

8. Never put it in writing. Do you know how many drug dealers, crooks, assholes, get caught because they wrote/typed things down? If you're up to no good, don't ever put it down. I don't even write sensitive stuff down in diary. Keep it in your head and be sketchy about it. It's the only way to save your ass. If you write it down, you deserve to get caught.

7. Everything you need to know about human nature, you can learn on a playground. This was from a poster, and as corny as it sounds, it is so true. Think about it, people are most human when they're kids, so if you want to know how humans work, watch kids. They look after themselves, they don't really want to share, there are alphas and betas, the list goes on and on. Think back to your recess days, good, now you can psychoanalyze everyone you know. Sorry Freud, but that was easy.

6. You can burn bridges. People are so against burning bridges. Basically, most people I know are people hoarders. How else can you explain having 43543543 friends on facebook? The truth is, sometimes a person, even one you've known for years, can be toxic. If that's the case, cut them loose, you don't need that shit. Loyalty is earned through acts, not time.

5. Never be "that" girl. When you first go to university, you get really fucked up at the hockey house and make an ass of yourself. I'm pretty sure everyone is "That girl" at least once, but the point is, don't do it again. No one wants to be the drunk sloppy friend on a regular basis. If you become a toddler every Saturday night, you probably need to rethink your choices.

4. No blood? Don't cry. I am not a crier. I think only 2 or 3 of my friends have ever seen me cry, and the majority of the time it has involved red wine. The point is, don't cry in public, it makes everyone uncomfortable and no one wants to deal with that shit. Yes if something genuinely sad has happened or if you are actually hurt, cry your little heart out, but if Sally hooked up with Todd, even though she knew you liked Todd (bitch) don't cry over that in the middle of the bathroom, this isn't prom. Just have more fun than both of those losers, then the next day cry in the privacy of your own home.

3. Invest in what you want. For years my Dad wanted a hummer, but instead of just buying a hummer, he kept buying shitty generic versions of the damn thing. He tried so hard to avoid the hummer that he ended up spending more money. Finally he broke down and bought it anyway, The point is, if you really really want something, just bite the bullet and do it, it's more cost effective than beating around the bush.

2. Be selfish. You have 10 years (15 if your a boy) to be completely and totally selfish before you need to start thinking baby, house, life... so take advantage of it. Do exactly what you want for these 10 years and don't base anything on anyone else. You can always come back to a person or a place. The point is, you don't want to be on your deathbed and resent the time you didn't go backpacking, or that time you didn't take the dream job. Even salmon go party in the ocean before they come back home to spawn.

1. Buy good paint. Well this is just obvious.

It's the most wonderful time....

Ok so now that Thanksgiving is over, it is officially Christmas season. Now I am a Christmas girl, I'm actually obnoxious about it and secretly listen to Christmas music all year long. That being said, you should expect multiple christmas related posts over the next month. This is me apologizing in advance.

Christmas music is a big deal in my family, well at least to me and my dad. When my Dad was young and stupid he broke up with his fiance because she refused to play Christmas music. I think this is totally reasonable and would probably do the same. In my world, bridges burn if you don't like Bing Crosby.

So now that we have established that it is the season to be jolly, here's my playlist. Enjoy it.

1.White Christmas, Bing Crosby- Bing is King when it comes to Christmas music. Everything he sings is awesome and it wouldn't be Christmas without his voice, so there will be a lot of him on here. Love ya Bing.

2. I'll be home for Christmas, Bing- see above

3. Pennies from Heaven, Louis Armstrong- ok so it's not exactly a Christmas song, but Armstrong makes everything sound like Christmas, besides it is on the Elf soundtrack.

4. I Really Can't Stay, Barry Manilow and Ella Fitzgerald- This song is great and slutty, and everybody knows that the best Christmas songs are a little slutty. Besides, it is super fun to sing a duet to, especially in your apartment, especially with your best friend, especially when you're drunk.

5. Little Drummer Boy, Jessica and Ashlee Simpson- Yes I know that there are far better artists who have sung this song, but I don't really care about them, I like this version, I also like the Real Housewives of New Jersey, so sue me.

6. Rockin' around the Christmas Tree, Brenda Lee- Remember that scene in Home Alone when he is pretending to throw a huge fun party and this song was playing? That's because this is the absolute best Christmas party song in the world. Only boring people don't love this song.

7. Merry Christmas Baby, Hanson- In 1997 Hanson released a Christmas album and my world changed forever. This entire album is amazing and I am actually struggling not to include the entire thing on this list. Since I can't put it all on here because it'd be cheating/annoying, I'll still have to add a few.

8. What Christmas Means to Me, Hanson- See above

9. Christmas (Baby Please Come home), Hanson- See above, again!

10. Last Christmas, Wham- This song is great because it's sad, happy, and catchy all at the same time. Besides who doesn't love George Michael? (besides the cop who busted him in the public bathroom.)

11. Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy, Tchaikovksy- When you are a suburban child growing up in America, you are forced to watch the Nutcracker every year in school. I hated that damn ballet, but I loved this song. After years of public school conditioning, I now completely relate this song with Christmas, one doesn't exist without the other.

12. Carol of the Bells- If this song doesn't get you pumped up and have you feeling overly dramatic and excited then you better check your pulse, there's a good chance you're dead.

13. All I want for Christmas is you, Mariah Carey- I know I know, how stereotypical is this song? Well whatever, I'm a 21 year old girl, it is my duty to be obsessed with this song and pretend I'm singing it to my crush.

14. Run, Run Rudolph, Chuck Berry- Listen to this song before you go Christmas shopping. It will jazz you up and get your blood flowing.

15. Gifts, The Firebird band- I used to call this my soulmate song. If I was Cinderella this was supposed to be my glass slipper, unfortunately no one else knows it and the people I play if for never like it, mainly because it is such a chick song. Despite that, it is still my favorite Christmas song of all time. It's the most played on my itunes, and I really wear it out during Christmas season. If you don't like it, I don't like you. It's a great closing to any CD.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Today is Thanksgiving.

I can't be home for it, but I wish all of my fellow Americans a happy, safe, and fatty holiday!!!

Someone better eat some pie for me!!

oh p.s. there is apparently a website called brobible.com, it is horrible and I am actually addicted to it. So if you have any extra time today, check it out.

Oh and....

just for the record, my relationship with Cork, Ireland is:

my first kiss

I'm in Love

Books

I'm a pretty big reader when I'm back in Rochester. I mean I'm a pretty big reader anyway, but back home my parents buy my books so i can afford to indulge in a couple a week. Over here, it slows down to about 1 every 2 weeks. That being said, I need a new book. Since it's gross out, I can't go to the bookstore, so I've just been mentally replaying my favorite books in my head.

What makes a good book? Well in my opinion, a good book has to make you feel something. Whether it makes you stressed, scared, happy, or sad is irrelevant, as long as it's something.

To imagine being able to write, using nothing but words to make a stranger have an emotion seems like an impossible feat, so one has got to pay their respects to all the books that have ever made them feel.

Funniest: Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedais. I literally laughed so hard while reading this that people thought I was crazy and I couldn't catch my breath. It was one of those deep laughs that actually start to hurt, you to wonder whether or not you will die and begin to panic which just makes you laugh harder. I still read it constantly and I still laugh every time. I think writing something funny is definitely the hardest thing to do. 75% of comedy is literally in the delivery of it, just ask Dane Cook, if he just spoke like a normal person, no one would ever laugh. Without the use of his voice, hands, or body, David Sedaris made me laugh harder than anyone else ever could. That takes genius.

Saddest: Ok there is a tie here. The first is Of Mice and Men by Steinbeck. This book was the first book ever that actually made me cry. I was so upset by it that my mom had to hug me and remind me that it was just a book. I read it 5 years after and it still had the same impact, except this time I didn't run to my mom, I just stayed in my bed and felt depressed for a few hours. All he wanted was to tend the rabbits George!

The second would be The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold. This book was just absolutely beautiful and perfect and it's the only other book I have read that has made me cry. In my opinion, Sebold has to be some sort of supernatural being to produce something that good. Oh and by the way, the movie was shit.

Most fucked up: Without question that most disturbing book I have ever read was American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. Holy shit did this book do a number on me. There were literally times while I was reading it that I had to hide it under my pillow and watch reality TV just to detox, it was that intense. After I read it, I felt like a bad person. I also felt the tremendous desire to discuss it so I made my sister read it too. It had the same impact on her. I felt like I just watched the video from the Ring.

Scariest: The scariest and probably the most quotable book I have ever read was a Picture of Dorian Gray. This book was so scary, had a amazing plot, and I actually carry around a page of it in my purse at all times because it was that perfect. I literally bought an extra copy of the damn book just to rip out one page. No other but Oscar could make me do that.

Coolest: The coolest book I have ever read is Dear Diary by Lesley Arfin. This book was just dope. I even felt cool carrying it around. It was so honest and raw, not to mention every girl born in the last 50 years can relate to it. It almost, almost, makes you wish you were a recovering addict just so you could be more like Arfin. I have since re-read it twice and have bought two copies.

Guiltiest: Now reading isn't all rainbows and roses. Some books make you feel really guilty for reading because you know that they are crap. Well along with bored housewives and teenage girls everywhere, mine in the Twilight Saga. I have no idea what it is about these books. They aren't well written, the plot is lame, I can't stand Bella, and Edward seems like a pussy. That being said, I have read them all, twice, in one sitting. They are literally like crack. I can promise you that no one will ever see me reading them, but yes its true I've read them all and loved them. The guilt eats me up inside everyday.

MY FAVORITE: now my actual favorite book of all-time is About a Boy by Nick Hornby. I am sorry, but this was without a doubt the most enjoyable piece of literature I have ever read. I loved every second of it the first, second, and third time I've read it. It's funny, sweet, and sad all in one. Extra Bonus: Hornby also worked on the movie which means it is equally as good.

Honorable mention to those who didn't make the cut but still created something fierce: Charles Bukowski, J.K. Rowling, The Brothers Grimm, Anthony Bourdain, David Eagleman, and John Ajvide Lindqvist

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving is actually my favorite holiday of the year. It still has the Christmas-y vibe but is a lot cheaper and a lot less stressful. Not to mention the food is fabulous, the people are good, and then I go see Harry Potter. It's like the coziest holiday ever.

Unfortunately, this year I can't make it back home for the grand feast, tickets are way high and I'm flying home for Xmas instead. But just because I won't actually be celebrating it, doesn't mean I'm not thankful for a lot. So here's my list of thanks.

10. I'm thankful to the government for giving me my big fat loan. I'm half-hoping you will actually become socialist, or collapse and then I won't have to pay anything back. That'd be super fun. Maybe I'll get that for Christmas.

9. I'm thankful that my parents let me give up a place at a better school for a better degree to become a travel writer at Kingston. That must have been difficult to watch, but I know secretly they like that Erin and I are off kilter, but thanks anyway.

8. I'm thankful for hungryhouse.co.uk....without you I'd probably starve to death on the weekends. Online and then to my door in 40 minutes, if that doesn't make the invention of the internet worth it, I don't know what would.

7. I'm thankful that British boys wear pea coats, its hot.

6. I'm also thankful that my favorite x-factor contestant is still on the show. Matt Cradle, how you doin'?

5. I'm thankful to Tesco for making disturbingly cheap sushi, without you guys, I would never be able to eat it 4 times a week. I don't even care that you never give me enough soy sauce or that I will probably get mercury poisoning.

4. I'm thankful to all the troops. You guys rock and we wouldn't be here without you. You're the bravest in the world, come home safe.

3. I'm thankful for coffee, life would be impossible without you. You are the best and I hope I never have to wake up and see that you are empty. That would really harsh my mellow

2. Homo times infinity thankful for my friends, home and away. They keep me sane and functioning. They also get drinks with me, listen to my shit, and watch shitty TV with me. I'd be a hermit without you all.

1. Homo times infinity plus 1 for my family. It's a close-knit team of crazy, and thats exactly what you want out of a family. Dennison Island 4 lyfe.

Crazies

I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City lately, mainly because it's on every night and well, I'm sorry, but it's a good fucking show.

Last night, I watched that episode when she finds out that Big's engaged. Carrie says “Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”

I actually hate this quote because it always seems to be a favorite with dumb sorority girls who like to dance on the bar and do body shots. Nevertheless, I was thinking about it and it is sort of true.

Some of us are fucking crazy, some of us will never like the color pink, and some of us think too much. There are a lot of us out there, and we are absolutely nuts.

I'm neurotic, and my head is my favorite place to go. I love tesco, and I have a white trash streak that runs down to my core. I get drunk, I run around in circles, and I fall constantly. I am a hot mess. So don't try to keep up, just smile and nod. Show up at my place, tell me I'm pretty, take me to the park, buy me a sandwich, bring me home, awkwardly try to kiss me goodnight, then text me the next day and we'll see what's up from there.
That's all you have to do, because honestly, it doesn't matter how hard you try or whether or not you can figure out the "real me," unless you will eat chinese food in bed and laugh hysterically when I finally tell you the silk manoon story, don't waste your time.

My sister thinks that we will probably die alone, playing the sims and I think she could be right.

That being said, I'd rather be crazy than boring.

So here's to you, all my crazies, we'll go cat shopping together.

Malls malls malls

So there is one more guilty pleasure that I need to own up to: malls. I fucking love malls. I grew up in a mall, I worked in a mall, I had friends at the mall, I still shop at the mall.

I hear that some people get nostalgic when they go back to their old high school or college, well I get nostalgic when I go back to my old mall. It was a huge part of my life that I will happily admit to. So this is my ode to the mall, the bitch that raised me.

10. The food court. I don't come from what one might consider a "cooking" home. My mother is actually a decent cook, but growing up my family just preferred going out to eat. There were weeks when we would literally eat out 4 out of the 7 days. It was awesome, but taking a family of 4 out to dinner on a regular basis can be expensive so what did we do? We went to the food court. I have and will continue to always love the food court. I love the smell, I love the variety, and I love the buzz of people all around. Food court haters are the worst, go eat some home cooked lettuce, I'll take my flaming wok.

9. Christmas decorations. You know how I know that Christmas is coming? I go to the mall and see all the twinkle lights and fake snow. I see the people pushing each other, I smell Yankee Candle company, I see all the kids excited to meet Santa. It wouldn't be Christmas without the mall, sorry but my main religious belief is capitalism.

8. Working. Working at the mall was the best. I started when I was 14 making smoothies. We would run around the back halls that were totes employees only, we had friends throughout the entire food court, and the security guards even let me out of a ticket because they recognized me. I literally spent my teen years working every weekend and I loved every second of it. I made some legit friends and gorged myself on free yogurt and gummy bears. So good.

7. Being a mall rat. I was also the world's biggest mall rat. When I wasn't working at the mall, I was walking around it. Everyday after school I went to the mall with my crew and just hung out. It was like my adolescent playground. Now the trick is, if you go to the mall with a big group, you linger around the food court, if you go with your boyfriend you share a pretzel and sit on the fountain, and if you go with your girls, you have to stalk groups of boys. It can be an all day event.

6. FYE. FYE is the absolute best. You can wander around for a solid 20 minutes looking at every CD imaginable and running into like-minded music fans. I would imagine many a couple fell in love while reaching for the same Jeff Buckley CD. So romantic

5. Game stop. Game stop is cool because you can play xbox for free. They always have the best games on it and you can pretty much hog it for the better part of an hour. Bonus: I bought sega genesis games there for like 2 bucks once. EPIC.

4. The arcade. Arcades are cool because they are just casinos for kids. Ok sadly, the arcade in my mall closed a few years back, but it really was the absolute best. It is totally worth spending $20 on wack-a-mole for a paper finger trap. People always hung out in the arcade, and the goal was always to get one of those big stuffed animals or little TVs, but you needed like 10,000 tickets for that and I never had the foresight to collect or save my pull.

3. Mall walking. Like I said, I used to go to the mall after school and just walk around. Now that I am an adult-ish I can't just wander around for hours with my crush of the week, so I go mall walking with my Dad. It sounds lame, but it's not because I get to people watch and then he buys me Starbucks (as long as he's not on Atkins that week). The best are professional mall walkers though. The ones that do it religiously. When I was working there I knew all of the mall walkers, they took it very seriously, had pedometers, and checked their pulse. You don't see intensity like that outside of the Olympics.

2. Mall crushes. Everyone has a mall crush. When I was 16 it was some kid who worked at Burger King, now it's some kid who works at H&M. The point is, sometimes looking at clothes isn't enough, sometimes you have to look at the people selling the clothes.

1. Mall snacks. This does not include food court food, I'm talking orange julius, cookies, auntie annes, coldstone. God that shit is so good. Besides, after shopping for 30 minutes in H&M you totally deserve a 9343097543 calorie pretzel and a cake flavored milkshake. You earned it babe! Wow I actually just got hungry thinking about it.

Getting old

Ok so obviously I'm not a real person yet. I still go to school, I still sleep until 10, I still go home for christmas ect. ect... but even at the fairly young age of 21, I still have experienced a handful of real world moments that let me know I am getting older. These moments are the milestones that no one really notices, yet they say a lot.

5. The first time my mother said "cunt" in front of me. Obviously the "c" word is practically banned from in the U.S. It is the ultimate bad word, the one that should only be brought out in extreme circumstances, or at least that was always what I believed. Then one day, about 3 years ago, my mom and I were taking a walk and she said "cunt." Totally normal. That's when I realized that not only did grown-ups use bad words, but that bad words really didn't exist. It was my last Santa-Claus-esq myth shattered.

4. Guys will hit you. Growing up, you are always under the illusion that boys would never hit girls. That domestic violence only existed in Lifetime movies and in trailer parks. That is until the day that you see one and you realize, oh shit this kid will hit me. This happened fairly recently, it was last year back in Cortland with some roided-out frat boy. He was standing there and then he tripped and fell flat on his face. Rule 1 about Frat boys on steroids, they are the most insecure people in the world, if you embarrass one, they will beat the shit out of you. Well it just so happened that he tripped because of my friend. His face turned bright red and he puffed out his chest like a pigeon. Then I realized fuck, he will deck her. We ran away and giggled.

3. When your little you also don't think crime really exists. It only happens on Avenue D in Rochester. That is until you get assaulted, robbed, mugged, or jumped, then it becomes real. Bad shit happens and my parents can't protect me forever. Thats when you buy pepper spray and start walking with your keys in your hand.

2. The first time you drink with your family and they don't make jokes about. My family still makes jokes about me drinking, but to be fair I only really have two settings, sober and drunk, so I am a pretty easy target. My parents literally would not let me drink in front of them until I was 21. They knew I drank, they would occasionally leave a bottle of Jameson out on the counter before I went to school, and they even say my facebook pictures, yet I still couldn't drink in front of them. I've been legal for a year now and the jokes have subsided, I am officially sitting at the grown-up table.

1. The ultimate sign that you've grown up. Dating. God dating is the worst. Going to dinner with someone you just met is super awkward. It makes you pine for the days when a date consisted of sitting in his smelly basement watching movies and sneaking schnapps. You would wear your best jeans, your lucky t-shirt and your chucks, and just go with the flow. Now you have to look presentable, do your hair, do your makeup and then sit through dinner wondering what is an appropriate first meal. Can I get fries on the side? should I go for a beer or will he think I'm too masculine? I understand why lame girls real Cosmo now.

This just in...

Boys under the age of 23 are horrible as a direct result of postmodernism...

This is also why I am shallow and why people like Las Vegas.

It also explains why people like video games and boys have confused porn with real life.

Everything makes sense now.

Boys boys boys

I was talking to my sister yesterday and she was telling me about a string of recent bad dates. Boys, no men, with no real job, no actual address, who expected to get everything in one night even though they didn't pay for dinner. Not to mention, several of these gentleman callers had dipped their toes in gay-sex waters.

After my beautiful, self-employed, creative, sister (with her own apartment) said "nah thanks" two of these bisexual "men" actually threw a temper tantrum. One practically stomped his feet and crossed his arms in protest.

Needless to say, these were not ideal dates. So what went wrong? What is wrong with these kids? Oh right they were born and bred in Los Angeles.

Each city produces it's own breed of boy. I know you're not supposed to make generalizations or whatever blah blah blah, but before being politically incorrect becomes illegal I'm going to break it down for you.

LA boys- These boys are slightly emotionally retarded. They have been exposed to too much sun and even more Lindsay Lohan. Best case scenario, you will find a surfer who doesn't have acting aspirations. But even then, they won't pay for a date, and they do a lot of coke. They are the toddlers of boyworld.

NYC boys- There are two types of New York boys. Actually there are several types but for the sake of time we will only focus on two. The preppy turned broker boys and the hipster boys. One will eventually grow up to cheat on you with his secretary and the later will make you read his blog and shop organic and everyone knows blogs are the worst, so are their ironic mustaches.

Suburban boys- This is specifically directed at those being produced by the suburbs of New York State. I hear that they love Frat pack movies and are champions of beer pong. They wear cargo shorts, Hollister shirts, and flip-flops. Sometimes they get one ear pierced and drink Budlight. If you're lucky and they really, really like you they may take you to Applebees, but only if the game is on, and only if you skip the appetizer. This may seem harsh, and to be honest I haven't talked to one since I was 17 so I don't really know. That being said, I'll probably marry one.

Southern boys- There are two types of southern boys, the old money kind and the kind in Taylor swift songs. I don't know any old money southerners but they look like assholes on TV. I do have a soft spot for the country southern boys. They are a little too old fashioned but it's great that they drink whiskey, they would never hit a woman, they always have cool pick up trucks, and they know how to find great BBQ. Not to mention they always rock the best faded jeans and plaid shirts. They are the personification of summer. The only true problem is they are a little too into football and they may actually want to go to church. Nevertheless, there's a reason they call them good ol' boys.

Italian boys- I know this isn't a city but Italy has some reoccurring themes. They dress ridiculously well, they actually say cheesy shit like Ciao Bella, and they can dance. They also have perfect manners and great tans. But it's almost too much, especially if you don't want to date a guy whose prettier than you. I hate when they are prettier than me.

Eastern European boys- Once again, this is more of a region than a city, but whatever it's my blog and I can do what I want. I spent 5 months with them and I still don't know whats up. They have great manners, but some are a little dated. (opening the door is good, ordering for me is not) They have a lot of pride so they pay for everything but they don't like it when you drink or swear, which can be an issue being from the US. And they usually smoke, a lot. grrrrosssssss.

London boys- Oh the very best, even though they are nothing like Hugh Grant has led you to believe. They dress very well, like gay well, but they are still masculine. Not to mention they have the best hair. They have pretty decent manners (not as good as Italians, but better than LA boys) but everyone knows that manners mean nothing anyway when a guy can rock a pea coat perfectly- I think they must learn that in A levels or whatever the hell they call it.

There are a trillion other kinds of boys in the world. It's like a Boy Baskin Robbins.

Just thinking...

How good was Carmen San Diego?

Sosososoososossos good.

Traveling peeves

Everyone has pet peeves, like I hate when people put the remote on top of the television. It's just a part of life. Everyone also has traveling peeves. Those things that really get to you while en route to some fabulous destination. They are constant stressors and can put a damper on your journey. A lot of mine are irrational and annoying and make no sense to anyone else. Nevertheless they are real and rational to me. Here are my top 10....god could I stop making lists.

10. Too much luggage. I hate when people bring like 48374 bags on a week long vacation. I know it's none of my business and that it really has no impact on my life, but it just makes me mad when people overpack. They take more time at the baggage claim, they take up more space on the train, they walk slower and they always look stressed out. If you didn't take 47 bags you wouldn't be stressed princess, and you also wouldn't be hogging the aisle.

9. The seat changer. So you finally boarded the plane and you are all set. You are comfy, you located your pillow, blanket and headphones. You have nested. Then some loser comes up and asks you to switch seats so that he can be next to his girlfriend, god forbid they are apart for 5 hours. You pretty much have to say yes, if you say no everyone thinks you are a stubborn asshole and no one on the plane will ever want to be your friend.

8. The person who just takes your seat. So you have a reservation, whether its on a plane, bus, or train. It's your seat, your temporary home, but when you get on said mode of transportation someone, who is not you, is already sitting there. You look at your ticket to confirm, then back at the seat. It is definitely your seat and meanwhile the intruder is doing everything possible to avoid eye contact with you. When you do finally speak up, they get all annoyed and put out like you are the asshole in this scenario.

7. Budgers. This was particularly bad in Romania where budging was pretty much a way of life. I was waiting in line for my flight to Paris when I saw these two ladies slowly creeping up on my left. I strategically shuffled my suitcase in front of them in order to make it clear that I would not be budged. Unfortunately, they took this as a challenge and stepped up their game. This tug of war literally lasted for 30 minutes. I would pull ahead, then they would, then me, then them. Finally they just pushed me out of the way. Don't they know how a line works?

6. Fidgeters. Since I am terrified of flying, I become very stressed when too many people start moving around. I know that it will throw off the balance of the plane and that I will die in ball of fire. That being said, there is nothing worse than sitting next to some one who goes into the overhead luggage compartment multiple times during the flight. First they grab their ipod, then they put their ipod back, then they take out a book, then they put that book back and take out another one, meanwhile I am having a panic attack. Sit down, this isn't a road trip to Disney.

5. The smelly food person. Have you ever been on a train when someone pulls out the smelliest meal ever? It's really annoying and sometime's it makes you hungry which makes you even more annoyed. Don't pull out McDonalds in a closed compartment unless you have enough to share. It's just manners people.

4. Criers. Sometimes when you travel you will get lost. Sometimes you will miss your train, and sometimes you will get rejected by the pretty german girl at the bar. But please, please don't lose your shit and break down. There's no crying in baseball or traveling.

3. The talker. Like I said above, I get really stressed when people move around on the plane. I also get really stressed when people talk during take-off, landing, or turbulence. If too many people are talking during any of these, my imagination goes crazy and I know that god is going to crash the plane because we are being disrespectful or something equally as stupid. I laugh about it when I am safely on the ground, but in the sky I go into full fledge panic and have to resist the urge of saying "SHHHHHHHHH!" like the annoying kid in class.

2. Kids. Why the hell are you taking your 3 month old baby to Paris. The pressure hurts it's ears and it's screaming hurts my head.

1. People like me who get super stressed out over dumb shit and imagined scenarios. They are the worst.

Born this way...

You know how in America when people ask you what you are and you list every country in the world, followed by an itty bitty percent? That annoys everyone else in the entire world. So I am going to do it now:

I am

25% Irish

12.5% Italian

12.5% Ukrainian

10% German

10% Scottish (like, 300 years ago)

10% Norwegian (like, 400 years ago)

Sometimes I say that I'm 10% French just to sound cultured

and 10% Dutch, even though my mom is adopted.

Actually probably none of that is true, but that's what us Dennison's say to anyone who asks, even though in reality it's more like:

50% Missourian

and

50% Long Islandian

But that's a horrible combination.

+

=

Awkward...

I am an awkward person. I couldn't even make eye contact with another human being until about 4 years ago. So yes, I have experienced many mortifying situations in my life, but these would probably be the top 5 that have plagued me the most:

5. When I was in daycare, thanks mom and dad, I had a really tight group of friends. We always played together and just had a blast. But despite the coolness of some, there were also some weirdos that walked among us. One that was notoriously weird was a little blond boy whose name escapes me at present. Everyone knew he was a wacko, so we just ignored his existence. One day we were playing doctor, no not the pervy kind of doctor, and just as my friend was about to cut me open with a fake saw, the weirdo blond kid ran up and bit my stomach. He actually bit my belly button to the point that it bled, and then ran away. I was not a seasoned veteran at life, but even through my veil of ignorance i knew that shit was weird. As with any victim, I first was angry, then humiliated, then I blamed myself. I think this contributed to my current personal space issues.

4. When I was in third grade I missed a day of school due to illness. The following day when I returned, I learned that I had missed computer lab. Now considering computer lab was a fucking joke, I was confused when my teacher told me I had to go make up the class. Apparently we learned how to use a program called "Type to learn," and without knowing how to use it, I'd never be able to make it as a secretary. So off I went. But I didn't actually go. I didn't want to walk in by myself, so instead I walked around Victor Primary school for an entire hour. If I had been smarter I probably would have just hidden in the bathroom, but alas I was young and stupid so I did laps instead. I was sweaty and nervous the entire time, like an escaped fugitive on the run. I remember passing the same teacher at least 3 times, but she either didn't notice or she was just not a snitch. I was a wreck, the whole hour, fearing the worse, a trip to the principal and a mark on my permanent record. Finally, just when the stress was about to reach it's peak, I returned to class with my teach none the wiser. FYI I still mastered Type to learn.

3. When I was in high school I worked at a yogurt stand. Everyday this beautiful boy who worked at Burger king would come up and order a Blueberry breeze smoothie. He looked like Harry Potter if Harry Potter smoked a lot of pot and listened to OAR. He was perfect and I was in loooove. I was so in love that I told everyone about it, including my 55 year old boss, cause when you're in true love, you just want everyone to know! One weekend Burger King boy came up with his family to order his usual smoothie. I was nervous and stuttering as usual, but like a true professional I took the order and went to work. While I was busy blending, my loony boss approached my love and gave him my number and a coupon for $2.00 a smoothie in front of his parents. To seal the deal, he then pointed to me and began to dance. I was so embarrassed I discreetly dropped to the floor as my boss continued to dance around the store. Needless to say he didn't call and I still don't think I've fully recovered.

2. In Middle school we would play capture the flag in my neighbor's yard. It was like a neighborhood event, at least 10 kids every time. It would get pretty intense too, none of this touch shit, it was a full on tackling, take no prisoners sort of thing. Well anyway, our neighborhood was built before my town's the sewer system was updated, which means everyone has a septic tank, and sometimes these septic tanks leak or overflow. Sometimes they leak or overflow even when you are playing capture the flag. It was 20 minutes into the game and I was on enemy territory, the front yard, searching for the frisbee flag when my opponent caught a glimpse of me and chased me around the yard. I put up a good fight but it was no use and I was tackled into the mud. Except it wasn't actually mud...I'll let that one sink in for you.

1. When I was in college I would walk to class. It was February which mean the entire campus was covered in snow. My first class was at 8am, which meant none of the roads or sidewalks had been salted yet. My worst nightmare was about to come true. I left my dorm and began to walk all the way up the hill, no one was awake yet besides the one boy who followed about 20 feet behind me. I knew it was only a matter of time before it all came crashing down, yes the first fall on the ice was just behind the gym. I looked back, the guy looked at me but he didn't run to help me or laugh. Bruised, but not broken, I got up and began to walk again, just in time to slip for the second time. I looked back again, the guy saw, but still didn't react. I picked myself up once more and 2 minutes later fell for the thrice time. Still no reaction from my follower. I actually started to think that maybe I was a ghost or something. So here's a tip to anyone and everyone: if you see someone fall, you have to do one of two things...laugh about it, or go and help.

There are way too many more, but you'll have to buy my book when I become the next David Sedaris to hear about them

The Prince and Me

So it's official,

Prince William is engaged to Kate Middleton.

It's ok though, the politically incorrect one that dressed up as a Nazi is still single....Hey Harry, call me.

Samantha Brown

I really loved Samantha Brown. She was the one that got me interested in travel shows in the first place. Let's be real, before Bourdain or even Zimmerman, it was all about bubbly Brown as she traveled throughout the world, always having a kick ass time and never complaining.

She is not only a travel writer, she is also a travel TV host. How perfect is that? Could you even dream up a better job? I don't think so.

That being said, I came across an interview she did for a fellow travel writer and I have never been this disappointed in my life. I mean she was super nice and polite in the interview which is obviously good but so boring and lame. yawn.

I couldn't even read the whole interview, I actually began watching Frasier instead of reading her half a dozen quotes about history, culture, and doing research. Once again I have to let out a dazed yawwwn.

I mean history is awesome, and travel is equally as awesome, but without some edge or humor you will actually bore everybody to death. Maybe her cheerful demeanor isn't the result of a fun girl taking over the globe, maybe it's just prozac or something equally as cliche.

Sorry Samantha Brown it's been fun but I am so over it.

Guilty...

So another weekend has passed where I spent more time sleeping/drinking/being hungover/and watching bad TV then I did writing or thinking about travel. Now I know you're supposed to feel bad when you act like a waste of life and don't accomplish anything, but the thing is, guilt is for bummers and hippies.

Sometimes you just have to indulge, it's good for your mental health and your mood. Trust me, I'm an expert. So here are my,

top ten (un)guilty pleasures:

10. Sleep. I loveeeeee to sleep. It literally may just be my favorite thing in the entire world. Some people think sleep means you are lazy, but those people suck and are probably always tired. All this "I'll sleep when I'm dead" shit is played out. If I get less than 9 hours I am the worst person in the entire world. I could try and fight it but then I would be cheating myself and those who come into contact with me. Moral of the story is: Sleep when you want.

Need more proof? check this out.

9. Swearing. I have a mouth that would make a sailor blush. I didn't swear until I went co college because I thought it was "bad." Then I realized "bad" is getting into fights and doing coke, there is nothing wrong with dropping a four letter word. Yesterday, while skyping my father, he informed me that I said "shit" too much in my writing, well I call shananighans on that. Shit is just another word like, it's not my fault that it's one of my favorites.

8. Junk TV. How good is junk TV when you are hungover, it's sunday, and you have a bag of cadbury buttons? It's the best, the trashier then better is my personal philosophy when it comes to TV. Keeping up with the Kardashians? Toddlers in Tiaras? Hoarders? Bring it on, bring it ALL on.

7. Leopard print. I love fur, I love leopard, I love having a few things that scream white trash. If I see leopard print I just automatically get happy. I don't care that I don't need leopard gloves, they exist, and they make me happy so damn straight I'm going to buy them. Next stop: Leopard shoes!

6. Diet coke. Diet coke is so bad for you. You really shouldn't drink that, it's full of chemicals, it just rots your insides blah blah blah. People hate on diet coke like it's concentrated evil, but I love it and I need it. I grew up on it and at home I have a 6 a-day habit. I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't cut, so can a girl have the occasional vice pah-leassse?

5. Shitty books. I love Harry Potter and you know what, I have read all the Twilight books, twice. I know they don't make me smarter or better and I understand that Edward is not real, but come one, they are fun. You can turn your nose up at these poor attempts at literary genius, but they are essentially chocolate for the heart.

4. Facebook. Everyone pretends they are "so over" facebook, and yes it does pretty much ruin friendships, relationships, it chips away at your mental health, and it makes stalking far too easy, but the thing is, it's great. Human nature makes us nosey, let's just embrace it and go full throttle. Besides, how good was The Social Network?

3. Going out to eat. Cooking is cool, it's smart, it's better for the world in general. I get that, but I don't really care because at the end of the day, I love going out to dinner/lunch/breakfast anything really. Going out to eat is the quickest way to get to my heart. When other people make your food it just magically tastes better, case closed.

2. Bad music. Yea, The Cure is great, I can get behind Arcade Fire, and I mean Queen is Queen! But put on some Fergie or Ke$ha, hell even Katy Perry and you are dead inside if it doesn't get your blood pumping. Sometimes bad music is the best. Just throw on some top 40 tunes, go in your room and start dancing and prancing around like you just don't care. If it's not the "most" you better check your pulse.

1. Fast food. I love the fat, the chemicals, and I even enjoy the headache and the inevitable fatty food coma you fall into afterwards. I went to subway this past Saturday and it was so good I could have written an epic poem about it. It's not always about what's nourishing for your body, sometime's it's all about your soul, and sometimes your soul just needs a Big Mac.

How to deal with cool kids

I live and London and go to school for travel writing, umm can you even fathom how many people I meet each day that are way cooler than me?

I read David Sedaris and my homepage is Perez Hilton, I can't quote James Joyce and I've never been in a band or climbed a mountain. I'm like the shallow puddle next to Lake Huron. I'm so out of my element, but in a good way. So when you are forced to deal with "cool kids" how do you manage to hold your own?

1. When you're in high school the cool kids are the ones wearing Abercrombie and frying their skin off in a tanning bed. After the age of 19, these kids are NOT the cool ones anymore and you have to be able to recognize this and not attempt in any way, shape, or form to emulate them. Putting eyeliner on with a sharpie and sleeping with the football team is best left to high schoolers, there are new cool kids on the block now, so it's time to evolve your strategy.

2. Ok so you've never been in a band, and your knowledge of current Indie groups is limited, but music is essential to the cool kid hierarchy so you've better to learn how to navigate these waters. When talking to cool kids about music, you can just throw out some classic bands, say the Cure, The Smiths, or Sonic Youth. These allow you to hold your own without having to go into too much detail. Just know enough about a few key groups to contribute to the conversation without going all Dave Matthews Band on everyone's ass.

3. Blogging. Cool kids all have their own blog, but don't just put some shitty quotes about love up. No one wants to read that. If you want people to think you're cool you have to think outside the "blog box."

4. How you dress. There is a cool kid uniform and it's a pretty huge step up from all the SUNY Cortland shit you've acquired over the years. So here's what you do: look at Alexa Chung, cry because you can't afford the socks she's wearing, and buy knock offs at H&M and/or Top Shop.

5. Smart kids used to be lame, now smart kids are cool. Watch the news, read books, be able to hold a conversation like a grown-up. Maturity is the coolest. If you can't talk about current events, art, history, or literature, go google it until you can.

6. You know what's cool? socialism. It's a fun idea that every cool kid under the age of 27 is down for. If you have not yet formed an opinion on economic policy (idiot), just say your a socialist for the next decade or so of your life. Sadly for me, I'm the biggest capitalist in the world and I couldn't hide it if I tried.

7. Cultural enlightenment. This is really cool. Start going to the theater, museums, poetry readings, ect. Cool kids love to expand their minds, and you should to. It sort of goes along with the whole "watching the news thing."

8. Cool kids prefer pot over beer, but do it in moderation or else you're a stoner and stoners aren't cool and either are the jam bands that come along with them.

9. When you talk, be blunt. Back in the old days cool kids, i.e. Don Draper, were very polite and socially conscious. That's not cool anymore. Now you should speak your mind, don't shy away from bad words, and cut the bullshit. If you can't hear the word "pussy" without cringing, you aren't very cool.

10. Cool kids don't give a shit and don't follow lists of rules. So don't tell them.

bucket list

I was mellowing out today and this was my train of thought:

Mariah Carey's new Christmas CD >Christmas> plane> death> bucket list.

Bucket lists. after that damn movie came out everyone and their mother began writing a bucket list of things to do before you die. It's always full of bullshit that no one will ever do but that will haunt them for the rest of their lives, i.e. when they are on their deathbeds they will regret that time they didn't bungee jump or climb Mt. Everest, as if that would have made their life far more fulfilling.

Bucket lists also usually include places to visit. I mean there is the obligatory Paris, but then there is usually also something completely random like East Timor tacked on just for fun which makes them completely cost prohibitive and even more impractical.

I've tried to make a bucket list before but I am absolutely horrible at it, mainly because I have no desire to jump out of a plane, bungee jump, or visit Afghanistan because I am an enormous wuss.

I mean it's always a good idea to have goals, but a list 100 items long of goals seems a bit ridiculous and unrealistic. That being said, I've decided to write a much more doable list of goals...this one is only 10 items long so hopefully I'll be able to cover it before getting knocked up and taking out a mortgage.

1. Go to Asia and try eating dog and/or monkey meat. Look I love dogs, and monkeys are really cool too. I have no problem with them and I actually enjoy their company, but the thing is I really want to go to Asia and I also really want to know what Fido tastes like. Is it gamey? or more like beef? Sorry, but that is just how it is, don't tell Brigitte Bardot.

2. Meet Danny Wegman. I love Wegmans, and to me, meeting a Wegman would be the equivalent of meeting a Kennedy except for less terrible because who the hell wants to meet a Kennedy?

3. Own two properties in two different countries. I am American obviously, so i'll need a home base so that my kids won't grow up deprived of Halloween and Mexican food, but I also want them to have a cool accent so we will have to have a property in England as well. Sorry future spawn, you can't go to Becky's sleepover because we are going to London that week. You'll thank me later.

4. I want to get into a fight with the ladies on the View. How annoying are they? I just want to poke them until they flip out at me and spew misinformation all over their studio. I don't like conflict, but for them I would make an exception.

5. Be interviewed in a documentary. For what? Doesn't matter I just want to be asked questions in a documentary. The more controversial the better.

6. I want to stand on a cliff overlooking the ocean as a storm heads in. How poetic would that be??

7. I want to take the Orient Express. I love trains, I think I love Russia, and we covered the Asia thing in item 1. I am also a huge fan of Agatha Christie so this really is a win win win win situation. Bonus if there is actually a murder!

8. I want to get a really expensive haircut, like a $1000 haircut. I have a shallow streak that runs down to my core. Besides if it's a salon that expensive, i bet they give you free coffee and soda, what a deal!

9. I want to fly first class. I want the flight attendants to cater to every whim. I want an extra blanket, good food, and better headphones. I also want free boos and one of those winged pins pilots wear.

10. I want to have two neapolitan mastiffs. One boy, one girl. The boy will be named Mr. Giles Ellington and the girl will be named Mrs. Beatrice Clearwater. They will have a doggy wedding and doggie birthday parties. I will spoil them rotten and never tell them about the time I ate their cousin during my tour of Asia.