Some scary sh!t

I was going through my catalogs of blogs/twitters this morning and it was the usual stuff, white girl problems, drug articles, love blogs blah blah blah but then I stumbled upon an article about why clowns are scary and I agreed with every single word. Clowns are universally terrifying. It's just unfortunate that my bffaeaaeaeaea is actually a professional clown. Well anyway, clowns aren't the only things that go bump in the night, there are quite a few and here they are:

10. Clowns. We'll start off here because I just rambled on and on about it. Clowns are scary because you can't see their faces which means you don't know what they're thinking, or when they are lying, or if they are plotting to kill you. They are also scary because we know that comedians and funny people usually have the darkest souls. Long story short, clowns are the worst, just ask Stephen King.

9. People who don't make eye contact. I never understood the point of eye contact until I was 18. I literally didn't get what the big deal was, that was until I met someone who also never made eye contact and I realized how crazy it makes you look. People who don't make eye contact look like sociopaths/psychopaths and all other types of paths. Avoiding eye contact means you are stuck in your head and when you're stuck in your head you're probably up to no good.

8. Gangs. Gangs are scary because sometimes they will try to stab you to get initiated and that is super scary.

7. Crazy religious people. When someone crosses the line from believer to lunatic it is terrifying. They tend to blow up planes or abortion clinics and this just doesn't sit well with me which is just a small reason why I tend to avoid both.

6. Train tracks. Train tracks are scary because when you are looking at them you always wonder what would happen if you fell in, or jumped in, or got pushed in. Train tracks are like a little death tease and sometimes they make you feel crazy or suicidal. It's when you're looking at them that you see how close to the edge you really are.

5. Drug addicts. Drug addicts are so scary because they are often out of their minds and desperate. I've seen coked out sorority girls who are just as scary as a common junky on the street. I mean, how scary is Lindsay Lohan?! Moral of the story is, if you don't want to make people cross the street when they see you, stay clean.

4. Guys on steroids. They are like junkies except they have bigger muscles and travel in packs.

3. Ghosts. Ghosts are scary because you don't know if they are real or not. For all you know there are 25 dead people watching you at this very minute and being watched is terrifying. There is a reason that people say the unknown creates fear, it's because it's true!

2. Aliens. I pray to god I never see an alien. Ed note: the mars kind not the immigrant kind.

1. Loud noises.

The legend of Lilith

Ever hear of Lilith?

I hadn't either, partly because I'm not Jewish, and partly because I spend more time reading Chelsea Handler than I do reading the classics or umm the Old Testament.

Anyway, I was in class on Tuesday when I first heard all about Lilith. She is now my new idol and I will pray to her every night from this day forward. The original feminist, rockstar, and spicegirl. So let me try and break it down for you:

Back when God was creating the world and it's people he decided that he needed some colorful characters to entertain him. He was just going to make a dude, but then he decided that just one boy would be super lame so he decided to make a chick too. Now originally he made both of these humans out of the newly created Earth. A man named Adam, and a woman named Lilith.

Now who is Lilith? She was Adam's first wife, and let me tell you, she was a total bombshell. Everything was fine, But when Adam and God wanted her to get down on her knees (because hello? she was a girl) Lilith was not having any of this, and she said to God and Adam "I'm made out of Earth, just like homeboy over there, we are equals... so pop off."

Annoyed that the beautiful Lilith was also super tough and didn't take any shit, God and Adam banished her and made her into a demon. A demon that allegedly ate children. Can you say, bad break-up?

Totally peeved that Lilith wouldn't submit, the spoiled Adam demanded a new lady love, one that knew her place and wouldn't cause any trouble. Eager to please his biggest fan, God created Eve out of Adam's rib, that way she would know that she was less than her male counterpart. She was beautiful and maternal, but she still had a bad streak. And thats when that whole apple debacle happened.

So what's the moral of the story? There are two kinds of women in this world...Lilith's and Eves. One doesn't take shit, and one creates it.

Writers block

So I have had mad writers block for the past month. It may sound romantic and poetic but don't be fooled, it's the absolute worst. When I studied history and politics it was easy. There was no such thing as politics block or history block, there was just lazy and not lazy, but now I can't just do research and present a thesis, I actually have to come up with ideas and then make them sound cool. I'm at the mercy of my own head. But thats ok, I have a surefire formula to combat the block, I'll share it will you because I'm nice.

10. Listen to rap. I always listen to rap, because I'm super white and from upstate New York. That being said, a lot of rappers are amazing with words. Plus it gets your juices pumping. I swear 50% of the time, rap makes me want to drink, 25% of the time it makes me want to fight, and 25% of the time is makes me want to write. Lets hope for the later.

9. I listen to the song Konstantine. This song brings me back to emo roots, when I was arguably at my deepest and most meaningful. Listening to this song transports me back to my teenage bedroom when I questioned the meaning of life and human nature. I was supe-de-serious back then!

8. I email my Dad. Everything that man says should be published. The man is a total nut and raises a lot of good questions, i.e. "What the hell was God thinking when he created Italy! and don't forget those Germans." He also actually gets angry when people are boring which reminds me to stay un-boring.

7. I try to make myself cry. This is really hard when I'm not sad so I usually end up watching sad youtube videos and looking in the mirror, willing myself to cry. Something about crying just makes you a better writer, I think thats why so many of them end up killing themselves!

6. I read up on my mythology and fairytales. I love fairytales because so many of the originals are very, very fucked up. The brothers grimm are my gods and whenever I need inspiration I pray to them, worship them, and ask them to guide me to a bestseller, or at least to help me finish my homework.

5. I drink. Sorry mom and dad, but if you want to write, you've got to take off your filter and the easiest way to do that is by drinking wine. My most productive weekends are the ones when I drink alone. I can easily get out 15 pages that way, even though my grammar is dreadful and I occasionally write stuff like "the meaning of life is like diet coke." WTF does that even mean, drunk krissy?

4. I take a walk. Walking pretty much solves every issue ever, rain or shine if you need to sort out your shit, you better take a walk.

3. Meet someone new. Dates, parties where you don't know anyone, striking up a conversation with a stranger...this stuff naturally makes you nervous and gets your blood pumping. Once the meeting is over, you can take all that anxiety, bottle it up, and deposit it into microsoft word.

2. Don't think about it. Sitting on a computer for 10 hours, getting angry at the voices in your head, doesn't help. If you can't think of a story just walk away and do something fun. Climb a tree, ignore your goals, just be a normy for a day, then the story will come to you.

1. Scream really loudly and get unreasonably mad at the voices in your head.

Fireworks and Friday

Ok since I was unplugged all week I missed the launch of the "worst song ever." I had been waiting my whole life for this and I missed it, what a disappointment! Almost as disappointing as realizing it is actually not the worst song ever and everyone got my hopes up for nothing.

For those of you who were living under a rock, or were on Valentia Island last week, the song in question is called "Friday" written by a tween named Rebecca Black. The lyrics are as follows:

Seven a.m., waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein' everything, the time is goin'
Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)

Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

7:45, we're drivin' on the highway
Cruisin' so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right, ay
I got this, you got this
Now you know it

Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/friday-lyrics-rebecca-black.html ]


Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin')
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after ... wards
I don't want this weekend to end

R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin' in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I'm drivin', cruisin' (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin' lanes
Wit' a car up on my side (Woo!)
(C'mon) Passin' by is a school bus in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it's Friday, it's a weekend
We gonna have fun, c'mon, c'mon, y'all

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

I mean yeah I get it, those are pretty bad, but the chick is 13 and thats what life is when you are 13, besides has anyone ever listened to Katy Perry's song Firework? I mean REALLLY listened to it? The song literally says "Boom Boom Boom, brighter than the moon moon moon." That sounds like something a My little Pony would write, and Perry is 26! and considers herself edgy!

Or what about Lady Gaga? I mean in Alejandro she literally just says Alejandro about one thousand times and speaks in a fake accent. That has got to be worse.

It's ok Rebecca black, keep writing about your ordinary 13 year old existence, I could totally relate to your cereal lyric, oh and the one about picking a seat. That is much more relevant to my life than Fireworks or Alejandro. The wait continues...

How to do Ireland

It's a well known fact among my inner circle that I take tremendously good care of my soul. "Krissy" time is not just an unplanned hour of self-love and bonding jammed into my free time, it is something I make time for, and go all out on.

This past week I took Krissy time to a whole new level, I packed up my purse and headed to western Ireland for a week to celebrate St. Patricks day, something every Northeastern yank hopes to do one day.

Now it should be noted that if you are ever to go to Ireland specifically for St. Pats, you should probably go to Dublin, or actually just stay stateside and go to Boston, I hear they do a pretty good job, but since I don't like Dublin and I'm not bro enough for Boston, I headed out west to Valentia Island in County Kerry. It's pretty rural, and pretty pretty. I'd highly recommend it for anyone looking to get away for a little "you time." Anyway here's what I did:

25. Met Ted Kennedy

24. Pet a horse

23. Played in a 500 year old fort

22. Got drunk on a beach

21. Proposed to a stranger- got turned down

20. Drank cider

19. Threw up cider

18. Climbed on a lot of rocks

17. Climbed a few trees

16. Saw a lighthouse

15. Played in an old castle

14. Drank some Guinness

13. Ate a lamb

12. Taught my friend how to ride a bike-ish

11. Actually cooked

10. Did yoga

9. Played in an Irish spring

8. Sat on a cliff

7. Drank a lot of whiskey

6. Ate a lot of chocolate

5. Made a fire

4. Watched movies

3. Rode a bike- jesus I forgot how much that hurt

2. Played in a grotto

1. Caught a lephrechaun

The best part of going to the countryside of Ireland is that you actually get to see the real Ireland. Dublin, Cork, and Galway are all totally awesome (except I hate Dublin) but they are very touristy and you'll end up hanging out with the Johnsons from Kansas in Temple Bar talking about the Irish experience, which you aren't actually experiencing. When it comes to most places, but especially Ireland, the more rural the better. The food is usually better, the beer is just as good, and you won't have to pay 10 euro to visit the old ruins, you can just jump the fence!

Heres the leprechaun I caught.

Oh and why did I write about jealousy today?

I'm actually traveling today, I know remember when thats what this blog was supposed to be about?!

Anyway, I'll be on Valentia Island off the coast of Ireland for the week. I mean it is St. Patrick's day after all.

Long story short: It's ok to be jealous.

The evolution of how to make people jealous

0-5: You don't do anything because you aren't aware of what being jealous is. All you know is that you have some good toys, like you have mad polly pockets, but your neighbor has a cooler Barbie collection. You try to just take them but then you get in trouble. Since you aren't even a real person yet you don't know the rules or what this feeling is. You just know that Courtney's parents must love her more than you're parents love you because she has the Barbie dream house AND the Barbie car.

5-10: You finally understand that some people have more than you and that you have more than others too. This is when you are at your most honest and just tell people exactly whats up. You may say, My Dad is tougher than yours, be jealous, or I'm prettier than you, be jealous. I love 5-10 year olds because they are the purest form of human, besides maybe like sociopaths. They say exactly what they want, when they want, and there is never any bullshit. When I was this age, if I wanted to be jealous I just demanded they be jealous. FYI, my jelly shoes were so much doper than Britney's.

10-15: This is when you start to like boys but you haven't realized that boys are developmentally like 5 years behind you so you try to be subtle to get their attention. You may put up in your away message or status certain things that you know will grab their attention, i.e. "I'm out doing something super fun and being super awesome." smart girls will also leak information to guarantee that the appropriate party will get jealous. i.e. I want Ricky to like me so I better tell Tiffany that I like Peter, who will tell Johnny who will tell Ricky who will be totes jeal then fall in love with me. No seriously, thats the thought process of a 14 year old girl. Oh and Becky is prettier than you and smarter than you? Well if she's prettier than you she must be a slut. This is probably when girls are the most sketchy. It's when they finally realize the power they posses and abuse it. It has only been made worse in the last few years due to social media.

16-21: This is when girls get more active and less subtle. So the facebook update didn't grab Ricky's attention and Becky has a hotter outfit? Don't just blog about it! Hook up with Ricky's BFF at a party in front of the whole school wearing a much better outfit then Becky! Or better yet, sleep with Becky's boyfriend. She's a total bitch anyway.

22-married: Ok you obviously still get jealous and annoyed. The emotion doesn't just disappear after college, but you do learn how to handle it better. You realize that being around people who are better than you only makes you better. When you get jealous you know it's because you're feeling insecure or hurt or bummed out. You don't try to take the bitch down anymore, you just buy a new outfit and work harder. The boy doesn't like you? Thats his problem, the girl is smarter, good for her, they have more than you, well tough shit. You no longer need (although you'll def still crave it) people to be jealous of you, because you finally have your shit together-ish.

Married: It pretty much goes away at this point. As my mother says "I just want everyone to leave me alone"

My first kiss...

Well last night this article was posted on Thought Catalog. I read it, enjoyed it, then enjoyed it all over again when my friend posted it on my wall saying that it sounded like I wrote it. I wish I had written it, hell I wish my first kiss had been like that. That's practically a fairytale compared to beer scented disaster that I had to deal with 6 not-so-long-years ago. So since I can't write anymore about hipsters (because I've already lost 3 facebook friends) here's the tale of my first kiss.

Now when you're a little suburban girl growing up you actually believe that you are a Princess. Especially when both your parents tell you that every single day of your life. Like with all Princesses, I assumed that my first kiss would be after a beautiful ball and that it'd be true love, we'd run away together and get married and live happily ever after. Then I turned 12...

At the age of 12 I started watching teen movies. That's when I learned that Prince's don't actually live in America, we only have Prinzes, Freddie Prinze to be exact. I knew that there would be no castle, and that the only ball I had a shot in hell of going to was the Governor's ball, like in twenty years. In a way teen movies forced me to be realistic, I finally surrendered to the fact that I'd probably have my first kiss in the high school gymnasium.

At 13 I began to sneak MTV, specifically the Real World. That primal, STD bullshit that was going down in that house was not my cup of tea, that was for slutty girls, ones who didn't have good fathers, not me. I knew my kiss would be perfect, none of that MTV shit, save that for the normal teenagers.

Well, then I turned 16. I still hadn't kissed a boy yet, probably due to the fact that I spent so much time thinking about it, well and collecting pokemon cards, that probably didn't help either. So at 16, knee deep in my Blink 182 and Harry Potter obsessions I started talking to this boy who looked like a punk(Ed. note: using the term punk loosely since I just mentioned Blink 182) Harry Potter. He was super cute, always drunk, and his jeans were always dirty, SWOON. He even told me that his eyes were prettier than mine. Game, set, match I was in LOVE.

We'd stay up late texting each other, asking each other what our favorite colors were, listening to Bloodhound Gang and Avenged Sevenfold. I bragged to all my friends about my new prince Charming and thought it was fate that we both owned a studded belt and converse sneakers. It was a teenage dream...

So finally it was time, time to take the relationship to the next level. I went to my friend J's house and there my knight and shining armor stood, well leaned because he was wasted. He was also eating Doritos and smoking cigarettes. We all know a girl loves a bad boy so I signaled for my friends to get lost. They hid behind a bush giggling and cheering us on as the tension continued to build. Finally, after weeks of cyber courtship he leaned in and we kissed...

It was mushy and gross. Not the way Princes or Prinze kissed in the movies. Not romantic or tender, not passionate or happily ever after, no this was a gross MTV kiss. Ew. It lasted for about 15 seconds before I pulled away with a "WTF?" expression on my face. I had been waiting 16 years for THAT? Someone should have told me, it would have been preferable to make out with my dog after she consumed her tenth pound of kibble. Sigh.

But even though it was gross, I stuck with him for a few more weeks, convinced that it had been my fault, not the perfect beautiful eyed angel that sat before me, or umm laid passed out before me. Besides, I had a boyfriend and what's cooler than having a boyfriend at 16? But sadly he didn't feel the same way, he broke up with me over AIM two weeks later. I was heartbroken. I actually cried. I thought we were in love. I mean come on, I stuck with him through Doritos and cigarettes, that takes not only commitment, but a very strong stomach.

Now I look at my 14 year old neighbor. She's going to dances and probably kissing boys underneath the bleachers then telling all her friends. I mean it's totally natural but I wish I could tell her to just wait until she turns 20, when the boys can finally handle their booze and realize the benefits of altoids.

Long story short, I did learn a very important lesson during our two week relationship. While girls may be made of sugar, spice and everything nice boys are made of smoke, processed cheese and beer.

lies the TV told me...

Growing up, I got 50% of my knowledge from the bus and 50% from the TV. I mean, yeah my parents interjected on the daily teaching me important life lessons but really, if it wasn't some famous actor saying it to me over the television I just tuned it out. As I continued to grow and mature I realized that the television lied to me constantly. Thank god my parents were still around to rewire my brain post-TV. Anyway here are the top ten lies:

10. Chubby, hairy guys are always funny. I mean yeah, some chubby hairy guys are really funny just like some hot guys are really funny. But being chubby and goofy does not always equal hilarious. In fact, the years of bullying have turned a lot of these men into assholes. Color me surprised when I just assumed the chubby frat kid was genuinely nice and charming, nope he just used more roofies than per usual.

9. I'd be able to wear designer clothes by my early twenties. No this is not true, just ask the store clerk at H&M.

8. The dark quiet boy in the corner who gets F's is actually just deep and mysterious. I blame this one solely on Jared Leto. I thought that quiet hot kid in the back was just too deep to get good grades. Wow, no he's just actually dumb and illiterate, even though he does lean oh so good.

7. There would be laughter after every crappy joke and pun I made. I still make a lot of puns and cheesy jokes, and yet most of the time no one laughs. WTF is that about? I am hilarious.

6. The Mr. Bigs of the world would eventually come around. Oh he's not calling me back? He doesn't like commitment? He treats me like shit? Well in 10 years time he will totally chase me down in Paris and propose. Right? Any second now...

5. The hot jock will totally fall in love with the nerd. That's what happens. He will see through all that slutty cheerleader hype and fall for the book worm who sees the world a little bit differently. Just look at Glee. Glee wouldn't lie.

4. Going on the Real World is totally a legitimate career option. You get to live in a cool house then you have the option of participating in all the challenges. You can become the next Puck. Then you'll never have to work in an office, you can just get really drunk at the age of 40 as you crawl through obstacle courses and get in petty arguments with 20 year olds, oh wait...

3. I would have a huge multi-colored apartment in Manhattan by the time I was 25. Of course I could work as a waitress in a coffee shop and live in a 1000 sq. foot apartment located only blocks away from central park. I'd live with my best friend and my walls would be purple, hell I'd even have a balcony. As long as every customer tips me $100 with each cup of coffee I should be fine.

2. I'd live next door to my parents who would always be over and bring me food. Well my parents live in Victor, NY and they don't cook so something tells me that this will never happen. Bummer though, I was looking forward to all the shenanigans and hijinks's we were going to get in to.

1. At some point in my life, myself and my 10 closest friends would obviously have to go to Disney World together. One of us would have to try to ride every single ride, someone would obviously get lost, and someone would make out in front of the fountain. Oh well, shit would all come together at the evening parade.

What is normal exactly?

So I was chatting with my college roommate/bffaeaeaeaaeafl the other day on skype. She has a hipster friend in her midst that claimed that my dear dish was "too normal" for her. Now I actually do understand what she meant, anyone whose been to American Apparel understands, however I would have to disagree with her that my friend was a dreaded Normy. I mean she actually owned a hedgehog.

If you read Vice Magazine, Street Carnage, or party in Brooklyn you know exactly what the term normal implies. It means the typical person, frat/jock/cheerleader who wears Reboks and will end up married in the suburbs working a 9/5. A commoner, a conformist. It is the ultimate insult for those under 30.

I know a fair amount of hipsters, I also know a fair amount of guidos, jocks, rich kids, and gasp even goths, and within those categories I know normies and abnormies. i.e. there is nothing normal about my homegirl Jwoww or my boy Pauly. But there is something very, very normal about lady gaga and it makes me gag.

Ask either my sister or myself what it takes to be a kook and we won't say "well traveled, likes to read, in to politics, or art"....no that can just as easily be normy shit, we simply say "do they get it?" Now if you are reading this and that last statement just made sense, congratulations, you are my soulmate and you should probably give me a call.

So what do you do when you see a boy/girl reading a Charles Bukowski novel in a hidden coffee shop on their mac book? Proceed with caution. They may look really deep and intense but the truth is that being deep means nothing, because there is no such thing as shallow or deep, just varying degrees of ordinary and Honey, that image I created was way too ordinary.

So don't be daunted with the whole finding a weirdo in the haystack scenario, here are other sure fire ways to find out if someone is just pretending to be an anti-normy:

10. They talk about politics over dinner. They are just trying to start shit. People who actually read about politics and know whats going on know that it is an inappropriate dinner conversation. They also don't post about it on facebook to give the appearance of being informed. Posting an article about Palestine right after you post that picture of you shotgunning PBR isn't edgy or abnormal anymore, it's just usual.

9. They talk about the amount of pills they're on. Taking medicine that you actually need is totally cool, but there is nothing worse than listening to some college punk go on for hours about their xanex prescription. I know people who need pills, and they don't talk about it.

8. Pretending you're a scholar. Look I'm proud of my college. It served me well and I had a blast. I learned a lot, I grew up a lot, I did a lot, but I'm well aware of the fact that I did not go to an Ivy or MIT so I'm not a "scholar." People of my generation, we're all in the same boat, that expensive little degree that's hanging up in your parents den is essentially worthless.

7. Saying that music is their life. I love music, but so does the rest of the world. It's only your life if it pays the bills.

6. Saying you lived in Europe when you just studied abroad. You better have stayed there for over a year before you drop the word "live." There is nothing worse then a pretentious kid who says they lived abroad, when they went on a university run program. Hell, I don't even say I lived in Cortland and I spent 4 years there.

5. They say they know a lot about wine. I have a neighbor who is going to an Ivy to study wine and wine making. He can say he knows about wine. Drinking a lot of it doesn't mean jack, and I should know. Although I have to say, Franzia does have a lovely floral accent with a citrus finish.

4. Pointing out your quirks to others. Telling everybody that you sit in a dark room or that you're really neurotic is not quirky. If you are truly abnormal people will pick up on this. I mean just look at Charlie Sheen. He didn't even have to say he was a bitching rockstar from Mars, his aura just radiated this vibe on its own.

3. Doing lots of drugs. No I don't think cocaine is edgy, I don't think dropping X is different, it's expensive and it gives you really, really bad taste in music.

2. Wearing weird clothes. Wow, you're wearing a hat with lots of feathers on it, you are so weird. Or you are going to a Baptist church in downtown Rochester.

1. Vegans. Never trust a vegan.

5 things you should never, ever, do

5. Google the plane you're about to fly on- I do this a lot, like every single time before I fly. I do it because I subconsciously hate myself. Oh that plane model has been recalled? Oh the entire fleet has been grounded. 20 of them have crashed in the last ten years? Perfect, can't wait to board now. It's even better when you google image the plane crashing, then to supplement your growing fear, it's a good idea to watch Final Destination and rewind the crash scene a few times to really rub the salt in. Welcome aboard.

4. Walk in the woods alone- I was taking a walk through a wooded area the other day. I wasn't alone, I was with a guy who is a little over 6 feet tall, but I still whipped around every time I heard a twig snap. I mean Hansel and Gretel? Cabin Fever? Practically every murder ever, it all comes down to the woods. Best case scenario you'll find a decomposing corpse, worst case scenario you will be the decomposing corpse. Actually no, worst case scenario you'll run into Bella Swan having a breakdown over her breakup.

3. Look up crime statistics in your neighborhood- My flatmate did this last night. It was really exciting to see that there have been over 100 crimes committed in my area in the last month. It was even more exciting to discover that 5 of these had been violent and just down the street, right by my old flat apparently. I guess I can rest easy knowing that my new apartment is safer, but still I'm going to start carrying a knife and a "don't fuck with me" attitude wherever I go from now on.

2. Watch Taken or Hostel before flying to Europe- This kind of goes along with the whole googling your plane. I watched Hostel before I went backpacking and nearly cried. I had flashbacks to it the entire time I was in Eastern Europe, specifically when I stayed in a really nice Hostel in Budapest. I also let a guy convince me that I was at risk for being sex trafficked due solely to the movie Taken. I mean I love my Dad, but if I was kidnapped by an Albanian I don't think he would go all Liam Neeson on anyone's ass, so essentially I'd end up like Katie Cassidy's character....damn.

1. Watch Human centipede- You just shouldn't watch it because the plot is stupid and you'll want to throw up. You'll also spend a lot of time debating which position would be worse. I mean, in the movie they say being in the middle is worse, but it's my personal opinion that being the last person would be way worse. To each their own I suppose. What do you think?