Malta

Just like Britney, I'm back.

I started working full time at a travel agency which means I have slowly become more boring and exhausted. I have realized that in order to write you need to have a lot of free time, which is why most writers are unemployed and are forced to burn their manuscripts for warmth in the winter months. Unfortunately for my writing career, I am far too shallow and materialistic to be a successful novelist and since I have yet to find a wealthy older gentleman dying of cancer, this chick has to slave away for the man.

Anyway I actually left my country again for a change. This time I was feeling a bit homesick, and a bit sun-sick so I dragged my pale bum to the Island nation of Malta for a little swim.

I'm not going to lie, half the reason I chose Malta is because it sounded wacky, and I am finding it increasingly hard to appear kooky working a full-time job (This explains why my Father is weirder now that he has retired, being weird takes up a lot of free time- but that is a blog entry for a different time) Anyway, Malta...

Things that were amazing:

-The water is clear, some of the clearest water in the Mediterranean in my novice opinion.

- The food was amazing. Octopus Stew is heaven, if heaven is chewy and slightly spicy-which I'm assuming it is.

- It is always sunny, and by always I mean all four days that I was there

- Less touristy then Italy, the South of France and Spain (God I sound pretentious)

- People are super friendly. For this I am giving a big shout-out to Jester's Pub located across from the San Pawl's Hotel in St Paul's Bay. The food was fabulous, they had Bud on the 4th of July, and a Boxer puppy named Duke. In the words of the owner "Tell people in New York about us" and so here I am, pimping out Jesters pub to all my fellow New Yorkers.

Things that were a bit of a bummer:

- I really hate seaweed and if you're looking for white sandy beaches I'd probably head elsewhere.

My one major recommendation: if you do drag your equally pale bum to Malta, check out Blue lagoon- Yes there are tourists and it is very crowded but the water is so clear it's worth it. All-in-all it makes the Bahamas look like New Jersey.

Would I visit Malta again? Absolutely, but unlike Paris and London I wouldn't make it an annual pilgrimage, but it is the perfect cheap holiday for a short little break from the rain and drain of daily life. I spent (including spending money) roughly 500GBP for 4 days of paradise and I could have probably spent only 300 if I wasn't a total lush.

I do have actual pictures that we took but I lost my camera so I'm relying on the generosity of my current gentleman caller for these Kodak moments...I'll post pictures after I steal them from him.

Some scary sh!t

I was going through my catalogs of blogs/twitters this morning and it was the usual stuff, white girl problems, drug articles, love blogs blah blah blah but then I stumbled upon an article about why clowns are scary and I agreed with every single word. Clowns are universally terrifying. It's just unfortunate that my bffaeaaeaeaea is actually a professional clown. Well anyway, clowns aren't the only things that go bump in the night, there are quite a few and here they are:

10. Clowns. We'll start off here because I just rambled on and on about it. Clowns are scary because you can't see their faces which means you don't know what they're thinking, or when they are lying, or if they are plotting to kill you. They are also scary because we know that comedians and funny people usually have the darkest souls. Long story short, clowns are the worst, just ask Stephen King.

9. People who don't make eye contact. I never understood the point of eye contact until I was 18. I literally didn't get what the big deal was, that was until I met someone who also never made eye contact and I realized how crazy it makes you look. People who don't make eye contact look like sociopaths/psychopaths and all other types of paths. Avoiding eye contact means you are stuck in your head and when you're stuck in your head you're probably up to no good.

8. Gangs. Gangs are scary because sometimes they will try to stab you to get initiated and that is super scary.

7. Crazy religious people. When someone crosses the line from believer to lunatic it is terrifying. They tend to blow up planes or abortion clinics and this just doesn't sit well with me which is just a small reason why I tend to avoid both.

6. Train tracks. Train tracks are scary because when you are looking at them you always wonder what would happen if you fell in, or jumped in, or got pushed in. Train tracks are like a little death tease and sometimes they make you feel crazy or suicidal. It's when you're looking at them that you see how close to the edge you really are.

5. Drug addicts. Drug addicts are so scary because they are often out of their minds and desperate. I've seen coked out sorority girls who are just as scary as a common junky on the street. I mean, how scary is Lindsay Lohan?! Moral of the story is, if you don't want to make people cross the street when they see you, stay clean.

4. Guys on steroids. They are like junkies except they have bigger muscles and travel in packs.

3. Ghosts. Ghosts are scary because you don't know if they are real or not. For all you know there are 25 dead people watching you at this very minute and being watched is terrifying. There is a reason that people say the unknown creates fear, it's because it's true!

2. Aliens. I pray to god I never see an alien. Ed note: the mars kind not the immigrant kind.

1. Loud noises.

The legend of Lilith

Ever hear of Lilith?

I hadn't either, partly because I'm not Jewish, and partly because I spend more time reading Chelsea Handler than I do reading the classics or umm the Old Testament.

Anyway, I was in class on Tuesday when I first heard all about Lilith. She is now my new idol and I will pray to her every night from this day forward. The original feminist, rockstar, and spicegirl. So let me try and break it down for you:

Back when God was creating the world and it's people he decided that he needed some colorful characters to entertain him. He was just going to make a dude, but then he decided that just one boy would be super lame so he decided to make a chick too. Now originally he made both of these humans out of the newly created Earth. A man named Adam, and a woman named Lilith.

Now who is Lilith? She was Adam's first wife, and let me tell you, she was a total bombshell. Everything was fine, But when Adam and God wanted her to get down on her knees (because hello? she was a girl) Lilith was not having any of this, and she said to God and Adam "I'm made out of Earth, just like homeboy over there, we are equals... so pop off."

Annoyed that the beautiful Lilith was also super tough and didn't take any shit, God and Adam banished her and made her into a demon. A demon that allegedly ate children. Can you say, bad break-up?

Totally peeved that Lilith wouldn't submit, the spoiled Adam demanded a new lady love, one that knew her place and wouldn't cause any trouble. Eager to please his biggest fan, God created Eve out of Adam's rib, that way she would know that she was less than her male counterpart. She was beautiful and maternal, but she still had a bad streak. And thats when that whole apple debacle happened.

So what's the moral of the story? There are two kinds of women in this world...Lilith's and Eves. One doesn't take shit, and one creates it.

Writers block

So I have had mad writers block for the past month. It may sound romantic and poetic but don't be fooled, it's the absolute worst. When I studied history and politics it was easy. There was no such thing as politics block or history block, there was just lazy and not lazy, but now I can't just do research and present a thesis, I actually have to come up with ideas and then make them sound cool. I'm at the mercy of my own head. But thats ok, I have a surefire formula to combat the block, I'll share it will you because I'm nice.

10. Listen to rap. I always listen to rap, because I'm super white and from upstate New York. That being said, a lot of rappers are amazing with words. Plus it gets your juices pumping. I swear 50% of the time, rap makes me want to drink, 25% of the time it makes me want to fight, and 25% of the time is makes me want to write. Lets hope for the later.

9. I listen to the song Konstantine. This song brings me back to emo roots, when I was arguably at my deepest and most meaningful. Listening to this song transports me back to my teenage bedroom when I questioned the meaning of life and human nature. I was supe-de-serious back then!

8. I email my Dad. Everything that man says should be published. The man is a total nut and raises a lot of good questions, i.e. "What the hell was God thinking when he created Italy! and don't forget those Germans." He also actually gets angry when people are boring which reminds me to stay un-boring.

7. I try to make myself cry. This is really hard when I'm not sad so I usually end up watching sad youtube videos and looking in the mirror, willing myself to cry. Something about crying just makes you a better writer, I think thats why so many of them end up killing themselves!

6. I read up on my mythology and fairytales. I love fairytales because so many of the originals are very, very fucked up. The brothers grimm are my gods and whenever I need inspiration I pray to them, worship them, and ask them to guide me to a bestseller, or at least to help me finish my homework.

5. I drink. Sorry mom and dad, but if you want to write, you've got to take off your filter and the easiest way to do that is by drinking wine. My most productive weekends are the ones when I drink alone. I can easily get out 15 pages that way, even though my grammar is dreadful and I occasionally write stuff like "the meaning of life is like diet coke." WTF does that even mean, drunk krissy?

4. I take a walk. Walking pretty much solves every issue ever, rain or shine if you need to sort out your shit, you better take a walk.

3. Meet someone new. Dates, parties where you don't know anyone, striking up a conversation with a stranger...this stuff naturally makes you nervous and gets your blood pumping. Once the meeting is over, you can take all that anxiety, bottle it up, and deposit it into microsoft word.

2. Don't think about it. Sitting on a computer for 10 hours, getting angry at the voices in your head, doesn't help. If you can't think of a story just walk away and do something fun. Climb a tree, ignore your goals, just be a normy for a day, then the story will come to you.

1. Scream really loudly and get unreasonably mad at the voices in your head.

Fireworks and Friday

Ok since I was unplugged all week I missed the launch of the "worst song ever." I had been waiting my whole life for this and I missed it, what a disappointment! Almost as disappointing as realizing it is actually not the worst song ever and everyone got my hopes up for nothing.

For those of you who were living under a rock, or were on Valentia Island last week, the song in question is called "Friday" written by a tween named Rebecca Black. The lyrics are as follows:

Seven a.m., waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein' everything, the time is goin'
Tickin' on and on, everybody's rushin'
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends (My friends)

Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

7:45, we're drivin' on the highway
Cruisin' so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right, ay
I got this, you got this
Now you know it

Kickin' in the front seat
Sittin' in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/friday-lyrics-rebecca-black.html ]


Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin')
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after ... wards
I don't want this weekend to end

R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin' in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I'm drivin', cruisin' (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin' lanes
Wit' a car up on my side (Woo!)
(C'mon) Passin' by is a school bus in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it's Friday, it's a weekend
We gonna have fun, c'mon, c'mon, y'all

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

It's Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin' down on Friday
Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend

Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Partyin', partyin' (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin' forward to the weekend

I mean yeah I get it, those are pretty bad, but the chick is 13 and thats what life is when you are 13, besides has anyone ever listened to Katy Perry's song Firework? I mean REALLLY listened to it? The song literally says "Boom Boom Boom, brighter than the moon moon moon." That sounds like something a My little Pony would write, and Perry is 26! and considers herself edgy!

Or what about Lady Gaga? I mean in Alejandro she literally just says Alejandro about one thousand times and speaks in a fake accent. That has got to be worse.

It's ok Rebecca black, keep writing about your ordinary 13 year old existence, I could totally relate to your cereal lyric, oh and the one about picking a seat. That is much more relevant to my life than Fireworks or Alejandro. The wait continues...

How to do Ireland

It's a well known fact among my inner circle that I take tremendously good care of my soul. "Krissy" time is not just an unplanned hour of self-love and bonding jammed into my free time, it is something I make time for, and go all out on.

This past week I took Krissy time to a whole new level, I packed up my purse and headed to western Ireland for a week to celebrate St. Patricks day, something every Northeastern yank hopes to do one day.

Now it should be noted that if you are ever to go to Ireland specifically for St. Pats, you should probably go to Dublin, or actually just stay stateside and go to Boston, I hear they do a pretty good job, but since I don't like Dublin and I'm not bro enough for Boston, I headed out west to Valentia Island in County Kerry. It's pretty rural, and pretty pretty. I'd highly recommend it for anyone looking to get away for a little "you time." Anyway here's what I did:

25. Met Ted Kennedy

24. Pet a horse

23. Played in a 500 year old fort

22. Got drunk on a beach

21. Proposed to a stranger- got turned down

20. Drank cider

19. Threw up cider

18. Climbed on a lot of rocks

17. Climbed a few trees

16. Saw a lighthouse

15. Played in an old castle

14. Drank some Guinness

13. Ate a lamb

12. Taught my friend how to ride a bike-ish

11. Actually cooked

10. Did yoga

9. Played in an Irish spring

8. Sat on a cliff

7. Drank a lot of whiskey

6. Ate a lot of chocolate

5. Made a fire

4. Watched movies

3. Rode a bike- jesus I forgot how much that hurt

2. Played in a grotto

1. Caught a lephrechaun

The best part of going to the countryside of Ireland is that you actually get to see the real Ireland. Dublin, Cork, and Galway are all totally awesome (except I hate Dublin) but they are very touristy and you'll end up hanging out with the Johnsons from Kansas in Temple Bar talking about the Irish experience, which you aren't actually experiencing. When it comes to most places, but especially Ireland, the more rural the better. The food is usually better, the beer is just as good, and you won't have to pay 10 euro to visit the old ruins, you can just jump the fence!

Heres the leprechaun I caught.

Oh and why did I write about jealousy today?

I'm actually traveling today, I know remember when thats what this blog was supposed to be about?!

Anyway, I'll be on Valentia Island off the coast of Ireland for the week. I mean it is St. Patrick's day after all.

Long story short: It's ok to be jealous.

The evolution of how to make people jealous

0-5: You don't do anything because you aren't aware of what being jealous is. All you know is that you have some good toys, like you have mad polly pockets, but your neighbor has a cooler Barbie collection. You try to just take them but then you get in trouble. Since you aren't even a real person yet you don't know the rules or what this feeling is. You just know that Courtney's parents must love her more than you're parents love you because she has the Barbie dream house AND the Barbie car.

5-10: You finally understand that some people have more than you and that you have more than others too. This is when you are at your most honest and just tell people exactly whats up. You may say, My Dad is tougher than yours, be jealous, or I'm prettier than you, be jealous. I love 5-10 year olds because they are the purest form of human, besides maybe like sociopaths. They say exactly what they want, when they want, and there is never any bullshit. When I was this age, if I wanted to be jealous I just demanded they be jealous. FYI, my jelly shoes were so much doper than Britney's.

10-15: This is when you start to like boys but you haven't realized that boys are developmentally like 5 years behind you so you try to be subtle to get their attention. You may put up in your away message or status certain things that you know will grab their attention, i.e. "I'm out doing something super fun and being super awesome." smart girls will also leak information to guarantee that the appropriate party will get jealous. i.e. I want Ricky to like me so I better tell Tiffany that I like Peter, who will tell Johnny who will tell Ricky who will be totes jeal then fall in love with me. No seriously, thats the thought process of a 14 year old girl. Oh and Becky is prettier than you and smarter than you? Well if she's prettier than you she must be a slut. This is probably when girls are the most sketchy. It's when they finally realize the power they posses and abuse it. It has only been made worse in the last few years due to social media.

16-21: This is when girls get more active and less subtle. So the facebook update didn't grab Ricky's attention and Becky has a hotter outfit? Don't just blog about it! Hook up with Ricky's BFF at a party in front of the whole school wearing a much better outfit then Becky! Or better yet, sleep with Becky's boyfriend. She's a total bitch anyway.

22-married: Ok you obviously still get jealous and annoyed. The emotion doesn't just disappear after college, but you do learn how to handle it better. You realize that being around people who are better than you only makes you better. When you get jealous you know it's because you're feeling insecure or hurt or bummed out. You don't try to take the bitch down anymore, you just buy a new outfit and work harder. The boy doesn't like you? Thats his problem, the girl is smarter, good for her, they have more than you, well tough shit. You no longer need (although you'll def still crave it) people to be jealous of you, because you finally have your shit together-ish.

Married: It pretty much goes away at this point. As my mother says "I just want everyone to leave me alone"

My first kiss...

Well last night this article was posted on Thought Catalog. I read it, enjoyed it, then enjoyed it all over again when my friend posted it on my wall saying that it sounded like I wrote it. I wish I had written it, hell I wish my first kiss had been like that. That's practically a fairytale compared to beer scented disaster that I had to deal with 6 not-so-long-years ago. So since I can't write anymore about hipsters (because I've already lost 3 facebook friends) here's the tale of my first kiss.

Now when you're a little suburban girl growing up you actually believe that you are a Princess. Especially when both your parents tell you that every single day of your life. Like with all Princesses, I assumed that my first kiss would be after a beautiful ball and that it'd be true love, we'd run away together and get married and live happily ever after. Then I turned 12...

At the age of 12 I started watching teen movies. That's when I learned that Prince's don't actually live in America, we only have Prinzes, Freddie Prinze to be exact. I knew that there would be no castle, and that the only ball I had a shot in hell of going to was the Governor's ball, like in twenty years. In a way teen movies forced me to be realistic, I finally surrendered to the fact that I'd probably have my first kiss in the high school gymnasium.

At 13 I began to sneak MTV, specifically the Real World. That primal, STD bullshit that was going down in that house was not my cup of tea, that was for slutty girls, ones who didn't have good fathers, not me. I knew my kiss would be perfect, none of that MTV shit, save that for the normal teenagers.

Well, then I turned 16. I still hadn't kissed a boy yet, probably due to the fact that I spent so much time thinking about it, well and collecting pokemon cards, that probably didn't help either. So at 16, knee deep in my Blink 182 and Harry Potter obsessions I started talking to this boy who looked like a punk(Ed. note: using the term punk loosely since I just mentioned Blink 182) Harry Potter. He was super cute, always drunk, and his jeans were always dirty, SWOON. He even told me that his eyes were prettier than mine. Game, set, match I was in LOVE.

We'd stay up late texting each other, asking each other what our favorite colors were, listening to Bloodhound Gang and Avenged Sevenfold. I bragged to all my friends about my new prince Charming and thought it was fate that we both owned a studded belt and converse sneakers. It was a teenage dream...

So finally it was time, time to take the relationship to the next level. I went to my friend J's house and there my knight and shining armor stood, well leaned because he was wasted. He was also eating Doritos and smoking cigarettes. We all know a girl loves a bad boy so I signaled for my friends to get lost. They hid behind a bush giggling and cheering us on as the tension continued to build. Finally, after weeks of cyber courtship he leaned in and we kissed...

It was mushy and gross. Not the way Princes or Prinze kissed in the movies. Not romantic or tender, not passionate or happily ever after, no this was a gross MTV kiss. Ew. It lasted for about 15 seconds before I pulled away with a "WTF?" expression on my face. I had been waiting 16 years for THAT? Someone should have told me, it would have been preferable to make out with my dog after she consumed her tenth pound of kibble. Sigh.

But even though it was gross, I stuck with him for a few more weeks, convinced that it had been my fault, not the perfect beautiful eyed angel that sat before me, or umm laid passed out before me. Besides, I had a boyfriend and what's cooler than having a boyfriend at 16? But sadly he didn't feel the same way, he broke up with me over AIM two weeks later. I was heartbroken. I actually cried. I thought we were in love. I mean come on, I stuck with him through Doritos and cigarettes, that takes not only commitment, but a very strong stomach.

Now I look at my 14 year old neighbor. She's going to dances and probably kissing boys underneath the bleachers then telling all her friends. I mean it's totally natural but I wish I could tell her to just wait until she turns 20, when the boys can finally handle their booze and realize the benefits of altoids.

Long story short, I did learn a very important lesson during our two week relationship. While girls may be made of sugar, spice and everything nice boys are made of smoke, processed cheese and beer.

lies the TV told me...

Growing up, I got 50% of my knowledge from the bus and 50% from the TV. I mean, yeah my parents interjected on the daily teaching me important life lessons but really, if it wasn't some famous actor saying it to me over the television I just tuned it out. As I continued to grow and mature I realized that the television lied to me constantly. Thank god my parents were still around to rewire my brain post-TV. Anyway here are the top ten lies:

10. Chubby, hairy guys are always funny. I mean yeah, some chubby hairy guys are really funny just like some hot guys are really funny. But being chubby and goofy does not always equal hilarious. In fact, the years of bullying have turned a lot of these men into assholes. Color me surprised when I just assumed the chubby frat kid was genuinely nice and charming, nope he just used more roofies than per usual.

9. I'd be able to wear designer clothes by my early twenties. No this is not true, just ask the store clerk at H&M.

8. The dark quiet boy in the corner who gets F's is actually just deep and mysterious. I blame this one solely on Jared Leto. I thought that quiet hot kid in the back was just too deep to get good grades. Wow, no he's just actually dumb and illiterate, even though he does lean oh so good.

7. There would be laughter after every crappy joke and pun I made. I still make a lot of puns and cheesy jokes, and yet most of the time no one laughs. WTF is that about? I am hilarious.

6. The Mr. Bigs of the world would eventually come around. Oh he's not calling me back? He doesn't like commitment? He treats me like shit? Well in 10 years time he will totally chase me down in Paris and propose. Right? Any second now...

5. The hot jock will totally fall in love with the nerd. That's what happens. He will see through all that slutty cheerleader hype and fall for the book worm who sees the world a little bit differently. Just look at Glee. Glee wouldn't lie.

4. Going on the Real World is totally a legitimate career option. You get to live in a cool house then you have the option of participating in all the challenges. You can become the next Puck. Then you'll never have to work in an office, you can just get really drunk at the age of 40 as you crawl through obstacle courses and get in petty arguments with 20 year olds, oh wait...

3. I would have a huge multi-colored apartment in Manhattan by the time I was 25. Of course I could work as a waitress in a coffee shop and live in a 1000 sq. foot apartment located only blocks away from central park. I'd live with my best friend and my walls would be purple, hell I'd even have a balcony. As long as every customer tips me $100 with each cup of coffee I should be fine.

2. I'd live next door to my parents who would always be over and bring me food. Well my parents live in Victor, NY and they don't cook so something tells me that this will never happen. Bummer though, I was looking forward to all the shenanigans and hijinks's we were going to get in to.

1. At some point in my life, myself and my 10 closest friends would obviously have to go to Disney World together. One of us would have to try to ride every single ride, someone would obviously get lost, and someone would make out in front of the fountain. Oh well, shit would all come together at the evening parade.

What is normal exactly?

So I was chatting with my college roommate/bffaeaeaeaaeafl the other day on skype. She has a hipster friend in her midst that claimed that my dear dish was "too normal" for her. Now I actually do understand what she meant, anyone whose been to American Apparel understands, however I would have to disagree with her that my friend was a dreaded Normy. I mean she actually owned a hedgehog.

If you read Vice Magazine, Street Carnage, or party in Brooklyn you know exactly what the term normal implies. It means the typical person, frat/jock/cheerleader who wears Reboks and will end up married in the suburbs working a 9/5. A commoner, a conformist. It is the ultimate insult for those under 30.

I know a fair amount of hipsters, I also know a fair amount of guidos, jocks, rich kids, and gasp even goths, and within those categories I know normies and abnormies. i.e. there is nothing normal about my homegirl Jwoww or my boy Pauly. But there is something very, very normal about lady gaga and it makes me gag.

Ask either my sister or myself what it takes to be a kook and we won't say "well traveled, likes to read, in to politics, or art"....no that can just as easily be normy shit, we simply say "do they get it?" Now if you are reading this and that last statement just made sense, congratulations, you are my soulmate and you should probably give me a call.

So what do you do when you see a boy/girl reading a Charles Bukowski novel in a hidden coffee shop on their mac book? Proceed with caution. They may look really deep and intense but the truth is that being deep means nothing, because there is no such thing as shallow or deep, just varying degrees of ordinary and Honey, that image I created was way too ordinary.

So don't be daunted with the whole finding a weirdo in the haystack scenario, here are other sure fire ways to find out if someone is just pretending to be an anti-normy:

10. They talk about politics over dinner. They are just trying to start shit. People who actually read about politics and know whats going on know that it is an inappropriate dinner conversation. They also don't post about it on facebook to give the appearance of being informed. Posting an article about Palestine right after you post that picture of you shotgunning PBR isn't edgy or abnormal anymore, it's just usual.

9. They talk about the amount of pills they're on. Taking medicine that you actually need is totally cool, but there is nothing worse than listening to some college punk go on for hours about their xanex prescription. I know people who need pills, and they don't talk about it.

8. Pretending you're a scholar. Look I'm proud of my college. It served me well and I had a blast. I learned a lot, I grew up a lot, I did a lot, but I'm well aware of the fact that I did not go to an Ivy or MIT so I'm not a "scholar." People of my generation, we're all in the same boat, that expensive little degree that's hanging up in your parents den is essentially worthless.

7. Saying that music is their life. I love music, but so does the rest of the world. It's only your life if it pays the bills.

6. Saying you lived in Europe when you just studied abroad. You better have stayed there for over a year before you drop the word "live." There is nothing worse then a pretentious kid who says they lived abroad, when they went on a university run program. Hell, I don't even say I lived in Cortland and I spent 4 years there.

5. They say they know a lot about wine. I have a neighbor who is going to an Ivy to study wine and wine making. He can say he knows about wine. Drinking a lot of it doesn't mean jack, and I should know. Although I have to say, Franzia does have a lovely floral accent with a citrus finish.

4. Pointing out your quirks to others. Telling everybody that you sit in a dark room or that you're really neurotic is not quirky. If you are truly abnormal people will pick up on this. I mean just look at Charlie Sheen. He didn't even have to say he was a bitching rockstar from Mars, his aura just radiated this vibe on its own.

3. Doing lots of drugs. No I don't think cocaine is edgy, I don't think dropping X is different, it's expensive and it gives you really, really bad taste in music.

2. Wearing weird clothes. Wow, you're wearing a hat with lots of feathers on it, you are so weird. Or you are going to a Baptist church in downtown Rochester.

1. Vegans. Never trust a vegan.

5 things you should never, ever, do

5. Google the plane you're about to fly on- I do this a lot, like every single time before I fly. I do it because I subconsciously hate myself. Oh that plane model has been recalled? Oh the entire fleet has been grounded. 20 of them have crashed in the last ten years? Perfect, can't wait to board now. It's even better when you google image the plane crashing, then to supplement your growing fear, it's a good idea to watch Final Destination and rewind the crash scene a few times to really rub the salt in. Welcome aboard.

4. Walk in the woods alone- I was taking a walk through a wooded area the other day. I wasn't alone, I was with a guy who is a little over 6 feet tall, but I still whipped around every time I heard a twig snap. I mean Hansel and Gretel? Cabin Fever? Practically every murder ever, it all comes down to the woods. Best case scenario you'll find a decomposing corpse, worst case scenario you will be the decomposing corpse. Actually no, worst case scenario you'll run into Bella Swan having a breakdown over her breakup.

3. Look up crime statistics in your neighborhood- My flatmate did this last night. It was really exciting to see that there have been over 100 crimes committed in my area in the last month. It was even more exciting to discover that 5 of these had been violent and just down the street, right by my old flat apparently. I guess I can rest easy knowing that my new apartment is safer, but still I'm going to start carrying a knife and a "don't fuck with me" attitude wherever I go from now on.

2. Watch Taken or Hostel before flying to Europe- This kind of goes along with the whole googling your plane. I watched Hostel before I went backpacking and nearly cried. I had flashbacks to it the entire time I was in Eastern Europe, specifically when I stayed in a really nice Hostel in Budapest. I also let a guy convince me that I was at risk for being sex trafficked due solely to the movie Taken. I mean I love my Dad, but if I was kidnapped by an Albanian I don't think he would go all Liam Neeson on anyone's ass, so essentially I'd end up like Katie Cassidy's character....damn.

1. Watch Human centipede- You just shouldn't watch it because the plot is stupid and you'll want to throw up. You'll also spend a lot of time debating which position would be worse. I mean, in the movie they say being in the middle is worse, but it's my personal opinion that being the last person would be way worse. To each their own I suppose. What do you think?

75 ways to stay happy forever

so I read this article about how to stay unhappy forever. It was pretty basic, you know don't judge people, don't be mean to yourself ect. ect. I agreed with the entire list but since I can't steal other people's work and I spent an entire day listening to the Black Eyed Peas (totally puts me in a good mood) I'm going to tell you 75 ways to stay happy forever. Ed note: It's pretty much girl centric because I don't know what boys do....ummm I guess watch sports and get laid?

1. Get your nails done

2. Get your hair done

3. Watch trash TV

4. Buy trash magazines

5. Bagels

6. French fries

7. Cut out unnecessary people

8. Learn to be your own best friend

9. Get along with your family

10. Learn how to make a pie, I think only apple counts though

11. Do yoga

12. Drink water

13. Drink diet coke

14. Go on fabulous vacations

15. Go to the seaside once a year

16. Be scared

17. Be nostalgic

18. Wear makeup

19. Don't wear makeup

20. Wash your face at night

21. Buy new shoes

22. Watch chick flicks

23. Read an awesome book

24. Stalk David Sedaris

25. Climb a tree

26. Go sit in the woods

27. Get off facebook

28. Lose the smart phone

29. Imagine having a conversation with Spencer Pratt

30. Don't hate someone because of politics

31. Don't hate someone unless they fuck you over

32. Burrow

33. Mellow

34. Listen to the Black Eyed Peas

35. Have a really good beer with lunch

36. Take a bath

37. Pet a dog

38. Spoon a dog

39. Catch up with an old school homeboy

40. Buy candles

41. Drink coffee outside

42. Be alone

43. Go to a party

44. Work your ass off

45. Give to charity

46. Watch the news

47. Go to a museum alone

48. Buy chocolate

49. Buy chips

50. Know that you are cooler than everybody else

51. Read Lesley Arfin

52. Listen to sad songs and look out a window

53. Go swimming

54. Go tanning

55. Drink wine alone

56. Gossip

57. Stalk people from high school on facebook, ew can't believe she got pregnant

58. Sit in a corner

59. Cook a meal

60. Buy a lollypop

61. Say lollypop

62. Dance

63. Go to a carnival

64. Eat salt water taffy

65. Talk to your mom

66. Eat kraft mac and cheese

67. Buy new socks

68. Buy new sheets

69. Go hiking

70. Buy a new necklace

71. Do laundry

72. Wink at a stranger

73. Scream when you need to

74. Understand it's ok that you don't like radiohead or sonic youth

75. Be selfish

The men of jersey shore

So I just finished watching last night's episode of the shore and wow, it's basically cast like a boy band. I mean yeah, they are all gorilla juice heads but each one has such a unique personality. I challenge any girl on the planet to watch the show and now fall in love with at least one of the boys. Hell! even Chloe Sevigny was spotted hanging with Pauly D. To be fair their true personalities didn't shine too bright until this season, thank you Mike for letting some of the others step into the light. Well here's the breakdown:

The Situation: Arguably the most famous of the jersey juice heads. He has a horrible face but his abs are INCREDIBLE. I would say he's the "Older brother of the band" comparable to Kevin from the Backstreet boys. He sorta calls the shots but he's not that cute or funny. In season one he totally took charge while the others fell into line. Even this season he is often seen taking on the paternal role of the house, taking care of poor Ronnie when he cries, cooking everyone dinner, and sounding the grenade whistle. Oh and not to mention, he's almost 30 and a total dick.

Vinny: Vinny is OBVIOUSLY the cute one. He is just so adorable, you want to take him home and cuddle, right snooks? He's totally sweet, loves his mother, and has a sensitive side. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a total crush on him. And whose heart didn't break a little when he got stood up on a date in Miami? I mean he even bought her flowers! SWOON. Comparable to Nick in BSB

Pauly D: In my personal opinion, Pauly D is the heartthrob. I mean he sort of has that bad boy thing going for him, yet he is totally funny and pretty witty. "BURGERS FOR THE BOYS" "CABS ARE HERE" Ok maybe he's not witty, but he is totally funny. When I first laid eyes on him, I thought he was a total douche, but now I fall deeper and deeper in love with him each episode. If he ever cuts his hair, I'll cut my wrist. Comparable to Brian in the Backstreet boys.

Ronnie: Last but certainly not least we have Ronnie, the total bad boy in the group. He vowed never to fall in love at the Jersey Shore, which pretty much means he was desperate to find love at the Jersey Shore. When he fell in love with Sammi I was actually upset, would she actually be able to tame our man? Nope! he's still a total jerk, maybe it's the steroids? But to be fair he does have a sensitive side, he cried an awful lot this season then called his Daddy for emotional support. He's comparable to A.J.

Alright well they are one member short of actually being a boy band, but we'll let it slide because everyone knows that the last member of the band is forgettable anyway. I would love for any of these boys to take me out on a date. I'd even buy my antibiotics in advance. That's right Shore house, I'm a guarantee.

Modern womyn

Every girl should be a feminist and no, I don't mean that you can't shave your legs or think make-up is evil. Being a feminist just means you don't feel like getting raped, you believe in birth control, and you don't feel inferior to men. That is literally all it means, so don't go shaving your head and bitching about horrible, emotionally crippled men. Actually, we have probably been doing too much of this.

In fact we should be helping our brothers out, because it looks like they need it. According to a recent study:

Among pre-adults, women are the first sex. They graduate from college in greater numbers (among Americans ages 25 to 34, 34% of women now have a bachelor’s degree but just 27% of men), and they have higher GPAs. As most professors tell it, they also have more confidence and drive. These strengths carry women through their 20s, when they are more likely than men to be in grad school and making strides in the workplace. In a number of cities, they are even out-earning their brothers and boyfriends.

So women in their 20's are the new alpha males? When I first read this I was patting myself on the back and listening to Alanis Morsette. I mean we came a long way in only a hundred years. We should be proud! The people who once controlled us are now being controlled by us, oh wait one problem, how unattractive is that? I think we've just shot ourselves in the foot ladies...

I'm all for having a career, I'm all for making my own money, and I genuinely enjoy being on my own. I have a lovely little life and I see no reason to share it with some smelly boy until I decide to procreate. That being said, I really wish we hadn't emasculated men so much that they have literally started wearing tighter jeans than us, crying more than us, and being less ambitious than us. Pretty soon we will be the ones pulling out their chairs and giving them our jackets so that their delicate skin doesn't get too chilly.

It hasn't really been such a problem in England, these boys have incredible manners, but back in upstate New York where we have apparently bullied men into being girls, it was a major issue. I literally met men who were scared of bugs, men that didn't have a drop of ambition or a single passion, men that would cry, A LOT and I even met men that said vaginas were gross (and no they were not gay). They weren't even looking for a partner, but a new mother, one that would take care of them and make sure there were no monsters under their bed. Sexy.

Listen boys, we took back the night, and now maybe it's your turn to take back the testosterone? Maybe just a little bit? Get that job, go to school, and buy me dinner...if you do that, I promise to keep my hair long and smelling of flowers. Hey! I may even pop out a baby for you (like in 10 years).

It's not that we want to dim ourselves down just so boys can feel like big strong men again, but maybe we can just scoot over a little bit so that they can squeeze their way to the front row too? If we don't I'm afraid that they will be the ones dragging us to see the new Katherine Heigl movie and that is just not something I can handle.

If I was a teenager

I'm really old now, like 22. I get terrible hangovers, go to bed at 11, and watch M*A*S*H. All of my friends have real people jobs and live for the weekends. I'm not completely in the grind yet, but it's only a matter of time before I graduate with a masters and make entry level money. Something to look forward to...

Anyway, if I was a teenager in 2011 this is what I'd totally be in to:

5. Twilight- I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I read and watch Twilight now. The problem is, it isn't cute for a 22 year old to do it, it's like a red flag to all eligible bachelors so sadly I have to keep my Twilight addiction on the DL. That being said, if I was a teenager I would be so loud and proud about my love for Edward it would make Bella blush. I'd probably wear the t-shirts and the pins while daydreaming about my glittery supernatural love. God he's hot.

4. Jersey Shore- When I was a teen I snuck episodes of the Real World but everybody knows the Real World is stupid now and the cool kids watch Jersey Shore. I shudder to think that my 14 year old neighbor has seen this but she probably has...I guess I won't know until she comes home covered in glitter.

3. Demi Lovato- She's this generations lindsay lohan. I love that she's a hot mess, so dramatic, but I like that in a starlet.

2. Justin Beiber- I like him because he hangs out with Ludacris and Luda is awesome. I get that he's cute and he's got a good voice but he's also a total brat. I mean I want to kick him, but if I were 16 I'd probably throw my training bra on stage. When you're 16 the brattier the boy the more alluring he is.

1. Big Time Rush- I had no idea who these kids were until I went on MTV.com yesterday and they were recommended. Basically I guess they have a show and they are really hot. Not to mention this is literally some lyrics from their song "I want to be your boyfriend...bigger than a twilight love affair, I'll be here." God I swooned just typing that. Too bad they all look a little more feminine than me.

Wow I really need to stop reading tigerbeat...

My sister wants a shout out...

So my sister pimps out my blog on her facebook, well actually no, I pimp out my blog on her facebook. Anyway because I use her wall as Ad space she wanted a shout out. What she's forgetting is that growing up she was never really nice to me. Luckily for her I turned out okay despite her best efforts to cripple me both emotionally and physically. Since I have an open heart made completely of gold I have forgiven her and decided to give her that shout out she so desperately wanted. So here is a brief look at our history:

When I was a growing fetus she kicked my mother in the stomach. You can blame it on the stress of being a 4 year old but I just think she had it out for me from the start.

When I was 4 she made "corn cakes" out of clay. I had to bite them because we were playing pretend peasant and peasants should be happy with whatever they are given. Play-doh still makes me cringe.

When I was 5 she invented the horse game. the object of the game was for me to crawl across my front yard like a horse while she chased me on foot and then beat me with a riding crop. If I crossed over the driveway I'd get lemon ice, but surprisingly I never crossed over and subsequently was beaten every afternoon when I got home from school.

When I was 5 she and my babysitter (who are friends now) would play hide and seek with me, funny thing is, they would never come find me.

When I was 6 she put dog poop in a milkshake and made me drink it. As you can imagine, it tasted like shit.

When I was 6-10 we would play shark in my pool. Erin, always a sucker for detail, would hold my head under the water until I stopped struggling and then she would actually bite me until I bruised.

When I was 8 the trampoline blew away and landed on top of someone's car leaving it severely damaged and flipped over. During the three week period that it was flipped she made me learn, practice, and master her dance routine to the song One Week by the Barenaked Ladies. Just like Pavlov's bitches, I still feel the need to perform every time that damn song comes on.

When I was 9, her and her friend told me I was bad because I didn't finish my bagel. They told me that there were starving children in India who would kill for that bagel. I believe my brief stint in peace keeping had a lot to do with that one incident.

After I turned 9 my sister became a teenager and focused more of her angst on my parents than on me which really helped improve our relationship. She's pretty cool now and does the whole art thing, she also makes sure my eyebrows stay in check and that I am using the right shade of blush, but just because I have forgiven doesn't mean I've forgotten. Love you Erin, Can't wait to announce my pregnancy on your wedding day!

Blue Valentine

I absolutely hate movie reviews because they talk about stuff nobody cares about like lighting and acting. I also hate them because reviewers never agree with me, what do you mean Raise Your Voice wasn't worthy of an Oscar Nom? Anyway they are horrible. That being said I just watched Blue Valentine and I really need to talk about it so here I am...

So basically it's like a dramatic version of 500 days of summer. Hipster boy meets hipster girl, they have quirky inside jokes, a dog dies, half an abortion occurs, lots of fighting, and tears. The movie actually made me cry three times (almost as much as Marley and Me) and made me decide to focus way more on my career and way less on that elusive Prince Charming, which Gosling points out doesn't exist. I watched it after reading about it on Thought Catalog where one writer claims he knows three couples who called it quits after the movie. Long story short it was incredibly depressing.

So why is it so depressing:

10. A dog dies...immediate tears. It was just there, on the side of the road, DEAD.

9. Ryan Gosling goes bald, starts smoking, and drinking. In the bits of film that take place in the past he is a total stud. He's tough, ripped, sweet and witty. 8 years after that he is a total loser that you could see in any sports bar in upstate New York. Total dream crusher. I guess nothing gold can stay.

8. The good looking jock is a dickhead who also becomes ugly. Michelle Williams is officially out of options by the time her character hits 30. This gives us all something to look forward to.

7. They move from Brooklyn to Pennsylvania. Some people may not cringe over this but my biggest fear in the entire world is that I will end up in Pennsylvania. It actually made me cry.

6. Old man Walter, the WWII decorated veteran, dies. What can I say, I'm American I have a soft spot for Vets. Especially ones who are that adorable. It was worse than when the dog died.

5. Michelle Williams has really nice hipster hair in the beginning then gives it all up for a banana clip and bad roots. You're a nurse love, you make decent money, get your hair did.

4. There is an abortion scene, talk about a buzz kill. Just don't tell Justin Beiber.

3. Michelle Williams goes from kooky to hot mess in less than a decade. Telling jokes about pedophiles is hilarious, wheeling around in a wheelchair all day is wacky, taking care of your dying grandmother is lovely but then, 8 years later being a total nag and asking someone to hit you is a total bummer.

2. Pretty much everyone else dies except for William's character's asshole father, and even he is dying by the end. To be fair, it never says they die they just aren't there anymore. Oh right, and Michelle's Mom says she was never in love and eluded to the fact that it doesn't exist. Just in case you didn't get that from the entire plot.

1. Gosling walks away from his crying little girl in the end. In five years time she will be passed around the football team like the village bicycle. Girl's with daddy issues break my heart.

So basically if you want to feel like there is absolutely no point, that you'll never be happy and that nuclear families are a myth then watch Blue Valentine, if you don't want to end your life then pop in When Harry Met Sally, god that Meg Ryan is just as cute as a button.

How to have the perfect saturday night...

Be hungover all day.

Wish you had more water and less gin the night before.

Eat eggs because you read somewhere that eggs help combat hangovers.

They don't.

Get ready for happy hour.

Move slowly, like you're being asked to fight a dragon with a fatal wound.

Meet your fabulous friend at the pub.

Immediately remember why you agreed to this the night after a party.

Start off right, long island iced tea.

Switch to wine.

Talk about Barbies and being 13. She really did have amazing shoes.

Get drunk.

Talk about boys.

Get drunker.

Move to a new bar, you're too embarrassed to order another bottle of wine at this one.

Order another bottle of wine.

Act stupid but talk about how you're really both smart.

New bar, need to dance.

Tequila.

Joke dancing with Persian men.

More joke dancing.

Annoy everyone within a 5 foot radius.

More tequila.

Hit on bartender.

Fail miserably.

Too drunk.

Run out and decide you really need a Kebab.

Buy one, with LOTS of ketchup.

Stumble home.

Drunk facebook/skype.

Eat your Kebab in a hot bath.

It doesn't get any better than that.

A week unplugged..

Ok so this past week I had no internet. I was like a junkie, sneaking looks on people's iphone, begging to log on real quick just to get a peak at my beloved facebook. I dreamt about email. So how was? Here's a play by play:

Day 1- It was more like evening 1. I had internet all day and had already youtubed/facebooked/googled/music-ed myself out so it was fine. A piece of cake.

Day 2- Withdraw already set in. Internet cafe for an hour. I had so many notifications though that it was worth the one pound.

Day 3- Broke down and used my phone. I hadn't talked to my sister or my parents in days and it was just weird. Sorry Mom, hope the bill isn't too high this month. More internet cafes.

Day 4- Friday. Went to my friends house to check my email and facebook. No notifications and roughly a million emails. I'm dead on facebook. Figure that I'll have to take a lot of pictures this weekend if I want to get my facebook activity back on track.

Day 5- Too hungover to care. Have replaces facebook with texting, burning through phone credit like Charlie Sheen burns through porn stars.

Day 6- More hungover, too exhausted to be social.

Day 7- Monday. Watched TV the entire day.

So the secret to being unplugged is to replace one addiction with another. I can certainly give up internet if I submerse myself in television, alcohol, and phones. It was actually very relaxing to back up a few decades, I felt like a technological pioneer. And don't worry my facebook activity went through the roof this weekend, notifications galore.

Off the grid

Well, I'm without internet until next week, total bummer. Anyway, since I'm not quite hipster enough to sit in an internet cafe and blog all day I'll catch you fools next week.

Mom and Dad don't worry, I'm not dead.

It's the little things...

Obviously fabulous vacations, loads of money, and finding the best necklace are all very exciting things, but they aren't everyday occurrences. Ask anyone in my inner circle, so like my sister, and she'll tell you that I take care of myself like no one else. It's very important to self-soothe and I'm the champion at it. Because, sometimes it's the little things that make your day. LIKE....

10. New sheets. New sheets are the best things in the entire world. It's literally like getting a new bed. Bonus if the sheets are over 400 thread count. God that shit is soft. With Egyptian cotton, who needs the sandman?

9. When Mint Car comes up randomly on your iPod. Mint Car is quite possible the best, cheeriest song ever written. If you don't agree with me then you're dead inside. I never pick it out because I don't want to ruin it thus I must wait for my shuffle to surprise me. When it does come up I'm in an instant good mood for the rest of the day.

8. Ordering takeout. I'm a big takeout food person. Usually I just eat sandwiches from Tesco but I'm not going to lie, I'm a big believer in ordering in sushi on Sunday's. It's called sushi Sunday and I never miss it, well except this past Sunday which became pad thai Sunday because I was hungover.

7. Magazines. I mean I love a good book, there really is nothing better, but I'm also really, really into magazines, I even love waiting rooms. So next time you're feeling a little blue get your tush to your local news stand and buy as many trashy magazines as you can get your hands on. Bonus if it's of celebrities and their cellulite!

6. Walks. I don't like sports and I don't like the gym. The only thing I like is taking walks, long walks and just wandering around. Walks kept me sane throughout high school and Romania. Without them I'd be a complete loon by now.

5. Cookie Dough...well duh oh and cake batter.

4. I try not to talk about the Cure more than once a post but come on, they were so right when they said "It's Friday I'm in Love..." That's because Friday's are the best day of the week. I only have school twice a week but Friday's still have my heart. Friday happy hour could be compared to a religious experience or therapy in my book.

3. Catching Hills season 1 randomly on MTV. The Hills was only good the first season because Spencer Pratt is gross and Heidi became a robot by season 2. It's also the only season where Lauren gets drunk a lot and actually cries. That's why it became fake after that. God could you imagine if all your drunken sobbing tirades were caught on camera and aired to pre-teens across the United States? No wonder she became boring.

2. Not to be all lushy on you but sometimes you just need a glass of wine, or a bottle, or whatever. Stay in one night and drink alone and watch Hilary Duff movies, trust me it'll be the best night of your life.

1. Speaking of Hilary Duff movies, nothing is better, well except Olsen twins movies.

I believe in LOVE again...

I used to be a big believer in love and soul mates. I was particularly idealistic and romantic during the 1990's when my Disney consumption was at an all time high.

Sadly, my dreams of finding the "one" began to fade in the 2000's. This was mainly the result of the Barbie and Ken breakup of 2004, the death of John Hughes, and my increasing obsession with Sex and the City (The series, not the movies!).

So by 2011 I had completely given up on the idea of true love and romance. That was until today. Today, my hope has been restored courtesy of Matel.

For those of you who are not aware of the dirty breakup, Barbie was done with Ken back in 2004. He was kind of high maintenance and became completely jealous of Barbies booming career. He loved her, but he perhaps loved her too much. I heard he wouldn't even let her out of the house, terrified that he'd lose her. Barbie's BFF Theresa even told me that they went out one night and Ken was blowing up her phone, flipping out, demanding she come back home asap. Bummer city!

Barbie loved Ken but being the smart independent hottie that she was, she dumped his ass and moved on to Australian surfer Blaine who was a breath of fresh air. He was fun, carefree, and umm hello? totally hot!

The breakup didn't just devastate me, it also tore poor Ken apart. He fell into the bottle for a little bit and had a string of meaningless one night stands. Finally in 2007, Ken started to get his shit together and did some soul searching. He went traveling and just focused on himself, figuring out what he wanted and why he had become a total bugaboo. After a few years of Ken doing Ken, he discovered that his crazy antics had all been based on his insecurity.

Meanwhile in Australia, Barbie was getting pissed off at Blaine and his lackadaisical ways. She's a doctor, a lawyer, a model, and works at McDonalds and all Blaine did was smoke pot and bitch about Outback Steakhouse. I mean don't get me wrong, he was totally fun, but not the kind of guy you could really get serious with. Barbie missed the strong connection she shared with her first love Ken. He may have been difficult, but their love was real.

Anyway, long story short, Ken is trying to win back Babs in time for the most romantic day of the year. Go here to vote and lets get these two kids back together so that I, and girls everywhere, can once again believe in love.

Twilights last reaming...

Oh the Super Bowl. Since I'm old and require at least 10 hours of sleep to function normally, I missed the big event which didn't air until midnight this side of the Atlantic, but I spent all morning catching up. From the limited research I've done thus far, it looks like the commercials were pretty bad and that Christina messed up the national anthem, I told you she was the new Lohan.

But for me, like a lot of Americans I know, it's not really about the game is it? It's the entire event. It's the fact that it is a total and complete representation of America and American culture. Everything is bigger, it's brighter, it's better. No other event in the world can even compare. And don't go all World Cup on me, that's a month long, global, and only happens every 4 years.

When I watched the game highlights, and by game I mean the half-time show and Christina's flub, I became incredibly proud of my country. I love that we aren't subtle, I love that we are loud, I love that everything is covered in glitter and that when we do something, we go all the way. No other nation in the world can throw a party like we can and for that, I'll always proudly rock my Red, White, and Blue.

Oh and I have to say, Eminem's Chrysler commercial brought a tear to my eye. Long live the motor city!!

Furthermore, people need to chill out about the Black Eyed Peas, I love them and I love Fergie. They put on a great show as far as I'm concerned and anyone who disagrees is just being a music snob. We should all just be happy that it wasn't Katy Perry or even worse... Lady Gaga.

So God Bless you America, I miss you, I miss your nachos, your chicken wings, your love for your soldiers, and your shitty, shitty Doritos commercials.

Oh and congrats Packers. It looks like you did a pretty good job too.

How to party with a moderately famous band...

Last night my friends surprised me with tickets to see Cage the Elephant in North London. It was a blast and the night ended at around 2am in Shoreditch. Well anyway here's my step by step guide on how to party with a moderately famous band, and I'll tell you right now it doesn't involve drugs or sex, thank you very much!

Start the night by saying "I'm not going to drink that much and I'll try to be back before the tube closes so that I won't have to take bus 14 all the way back."

Arrive at the venue and buy cheap beer. Push your way past all the 16 year olds to the front row. Who doesn't want to be in the front row?

Buy another beer.

Try to make eye contact with a lesser important band member, i.e. don't go for the lead singer, focus on the bassist.

Fail miserably.

When the show is over go and buy another beer.

Have your friend from Kentucky tell the band that is also from Kentucky that she is from Kentucky.

Get back stage, I mean get in the back alley.

Meet someone from your home town and have an awkward conversation about Wegmans.

Start talking to a random friend of the band.

Get invited to the after party.

Talk about Kentucky Friend Chicken.

Learn that all the band members are either married or engaged. Switch your dancing from hot to joke and lose all hope of having them fall in love and living off their royalties.

Have fun instead.

Get yelled at because Kentucky boys don't love to joke dance, i.e. get bent over.

Have a deep conversation with the guitarist, "Are you having fun?" "Yes, I'm just an introvert."

Leave because your feet hurt, get invited back for their show in March.

Wish there was a 24/7 McDonalds.

Can I join a cult?

Last summer my neighbor went to a Christian camp. Oops sorry, a born again Christian camp, yes there is a huge difference. The counselors told my little neighbor that the apocalypse was coming and that unless she accepted Jesus into her heart she would fall into the fiery depths of hell, like the rest of her misguided friends and family. She totally bought it and came back to Rochester with glazed over eyes and a holier-than-thou attitude. It took months to de-brainwash her and convince her that if the apocalypse does come, the Catholics, not the born agains, would be the only survivors, duh! Talk about a bummer.

Anyway, despite my concern, I have to say that I was pretty jealous. No one has ever tried to recruit me into a cult. I have tried to walk around looking doe-eyed and naive. It's not like I've been trying to get recruited into the Masons, just an ordinary "drink the kool-aid kind" of cult.

For awhile I thought maybe I could try and start my own cult. If no one would invite me, why not make my own? I thought about it, but then I realized that it wouldn't truly fulfill me. I wanted to BE brainwashed, I didn't want to brainwash others.

So here is my cult wish list. I'll be waiting impatiently for an invite...

10. Church of Bible Understanding. This cult was started by a vacuum repairman! That sounds very exciting. They even have a mission in Haiti. I was hoping for an invite but I think my chances are pretty slim due to their main recruitment technique, which is targeting children 11-13. Damn, missed the mark!!

9. The Manson Family. Charles Manson was a total psychopath but he was also apparently very charming, because well, only charming people can lead cults. He raped and killed a bunch of people but his followers did most of his dirty work. I'm not too into blood so this probably wouldn't be the cult for me, oh and also most of the members got arrested and are in jail. I guess that means that there are at least a few vacancies.

8. Scientology. This cult is a little too easy for me to get in. All you have to do is write a check or be a gay, male, celebrity. I'd have to say that this is my last resort. If no one tries to recruit me by, lets say 27, then I'll turn to scientology. Wait, does that mean I can't take xanex when I fly?

7. Hare Krishnas. This cult was a pretty big deal with idealistic hippies back in the 70's and that doesn't really appeal to me. I like my cult's to be a little darker and a little less tambourine. I'm also more interested in a cult that is on it's way up, not one that is so 30 years ago. Oh well, I guess beggars can't really be choosers.

6. Children of God. This cult is beyond disturbing because they believed in having sex with children. I think that's why River Phoenix overdosed and Rose McGowan is such a looney-toon. This cult also turned female members into prostitutes in order to recruit new members and called it "flirty fishing" (to be fair, alliterations get you a long way with me). Word play aside, I'm thinking this is not the cult for me so I'm just going to avoid prostitutes from now on.

5. Heavens Gate. Yes! This is my favorite cult of all time. Anyway this cult had a very cool logo and believed that the Hale-Bopp comet was coming to take them away. In order to get on the comet they all killed themselves in a house in San Diego. They all wore matching sneakers too which takes it to a whole other level. I'd love to get into this cult except they pretty much all died. Ohhh what's that? I think I hear a comeback!!

4. Solar Temple. Yet another dooms day cult. This cult believed the apocalypse was also coming and that suicide was the only option. Very similar to Heaven's Gate, except they killed themselves in Switzerland which I think puts them ahead of Heaven's Gate in the rankings. Fun Fact: the leader Luc Joret was a Gestapo Officer during WWII and died with 93 million dollars in the bank!

3. Branch Davidians. This cult is precious because it included a charismatic leader, the stockpiling of weapons, and then deadly fire. 76 people died and this time it had nothing to do with mass suicide. No one is really sure if it was the government or the cult's fault and no one ever will. What happens in Waco, stays in Waco.

2. The People's Temple. Oh well this one is equally adorable because it is the cult that actually involved poisonous Kool-aid and proves that socialist doctrine is literally suicidal! In fact, after facing charges from the United States followers of People's Temple fled to Guyana. Convinced that the U.S. government was hot on their heels, 909 members drank kool-aid and killed themselves. I guess I won't get into this one either, only the good die young.

1. The Duggar family. I want long permed hair, I want to wear long jean skirts, and I want my name to start with "J." I mean, Michelle can't actually give birth to me but maybe I can just line up with them and they'll never know. Yes, I would give up the internet for them.

I think my chances of being recruited by any of these cults is slim to none which is incredibly frustrating. All the good cults happened before my time and now all we're left with is Scientology and Born Again Christians. If only I was born 10 years earlier!!!