75 ways to stay happy forever

so I read this article about how to stay unhappy forever. It was pretty basic, you know don't judge people, don't be mean to yourself ect. ect. I agreed with the entire list but since I can't steal other people's work and I spent an entire day listening to the Black Eyed Peas (totally puts me in a good mood) I'm going to tell you 75 ways to stay happy forever. Ed note: It's pretty much girl centric because I don't know what boys do....ummm I guess watch sports and get laid?

1. Get your nails done

2. Get your hair done

3. Watch trash TV

4. Buy trash magazines

5. Bagels

6. French fries

7. Cut out unnecessary people

8. Learn to be your own best friend

9. Get along with your family

10. Learn how to make a pie, I think only apple counts though

11. Do yoga

12. Drink water

13. Drink diet coke

14. Go on fabulous vacations

15. Go to the seaside once a year

16. Be scared

17. Be nostalgic

18. Wear makeup

19. Don't wear makeup

20. Wash your face at night

21. Buy new shoes

22. Watch chick flicks

23. Read an awesome book

24. Stalk David Sedaris

25. Climb a tree

26. Go sit in the woods

27. Get off facebook

28. Lose the smart phone

29. Imagine having a conversation with Spencer Pratt

30. Don't hate someone because of politics

31. Don't hate someone unless they fuck you over

32. Burrow

33. Mellow

34. Listen to the Black Eyed Peas

35. Have a really good beer with lunch

36. Take a bath

37. Pet a dog

38. Spoon a dog

39. Catch up with an old school homeboy

40. Buy candles

41. Drink coffee outside

42. Be alone

43. Go to a party

44. Work your ass off

45. Give to charity

46. Watch the news

47. Go to a museum alone

48. Buy chocolate

49. Buy chips

50. Know that you are cooler than everybody else

51. Read Lesley Arfin

52. Listen to sad songs and look out a window

53. Go swimming

54. Go tanning

55. Drink wine alone

56. Gossip

57. Stalk people from high school on facebook, ew can't believe she got pregnant

58. Sit in a corner

59. Cook a meal

60. Buy a lollypop

61. Say lollypop

62. Dance

63. Go to a carnival

64. Eat salt water taffy

65. Talk to your mom

66. Eat kraft mac and cheese

67. Buy new socks

68. Buy new sheets

69. Go hiking

70. Buy a new necklace

71. Do laundry

72. Wink at a stranger

73. Scream when you need to

74. Understand it's ok that you don't like radiohead or sonic youth

75. Be selfish

The men of jersey shore

So I just finished watching last night's episode of the shore and wow, it's basically cast like a boy band. I mean yeah, they are all gorilla juice heads but each one has such a unique personality. I challenge any girl on the planet to watch the show and now fall in love with at least one of the boys. Hell! even Chloe Sevigny was spotted hanging with Pauly D. To be fair their true personalities didn't shine too bright until this season, thank you Mike for letting some of the others step into the light. Well here's the breakdown:

The Situation: Arguably the most famous of the jersey juice heads. He has a horrible face but his abs are INCREDIBLE. I would say he's the "Older brother of the band" comparable to Kevin from the Backstreet boys. He sorta calls the shots but he's not that cute or funny. In season one he totally took charge while the others fell into line. Even this season he is often seen taking on the paternal role of the house, taking care of poor Ronnie when he cries, cooking everyone dinner, and sounding the grenade whistle. Oh and not to mention, he's almost 30 and a total dick.

Vinny: Vinny is OBVIOUSLY the cute one. He is just so adorable, you want to take him home and cuddle, right snooks? He's totally sweet, loves his mother, and has a sensitive side. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a total crush on him. And whose heart didn't break a little when he got stood up on a date in Miami? I mean he even bought her flowers! SWOON. Comparable to Nick in BSB

Pauly D: In my personal opinion, Pauly D is the heartthrob. I mean he sort of has that bad boy thing going for him, yet he is totally funny and pretty witty. "BURGERS FOR THE BOYS" "CABS ARE HERE" Ok maybe he's not witty, but he is totally funny. When I first laid eyes on him, I thought he was a total douche, but now I fall deeper and deeper in love with him each episode. If he ever cuts his hair, I'll cut my wrist. Comparable to Brian in the Backstreet boys.

Ronnie: Last but certainly not least we have Ronnie, the total bad boy in the group. He vowed never to fall in love at the Jersey Shore, which pretty much means he was desperate to find love at the Jersey Shore. When he fell in love with Sammi I was actually upset, would she actually be able to tame our man? Nope! he's still a total jerk, maybe it's the steroids? But to be fair he does have a sensitive side, he cried an awful lot this season then called his Daddy for emotional support. He's comparable to A.J.

Alright well they are one member short of actually being a boy band, but we'll let it slide because everyone knows that the last member of the band is forgettable anyway. I would love for any of these boys to take me out on a date. I'd even buy my antibiotics in advance. That's right Shore house, I'm a guarantee.

Modern womyn

Every girl should be a feminist and no, I don't mean that you can't shave your legs or think make-up is evil. Being a feminist just means you don't feel like getting raped, you believe in birth control, and you don't feel inferior to men. That is literally all it means, so don't go shaving your head and bitching about horrible, emotionally crippled men. Actually, we have probably been doing too much of this.

In fact we should be helping our brothers out, because it looks like they need it. According to a recent study:

Among pre-adults, women are the first sex. They graduate from college in greater numbers (among Americans ages 25 to 34, 34% of women now have a bachelor’s degree but just 27% of men), and they have higher GPAs. As most professors tell it, they also have more confidence and drive. These strengths carry women through their 20s, when they are more likely than men to be in grad school and making strides in the workplace. In a number of cities, they are even out-earning their brothers and boyfriends.

So women in their 20's are the new alpha males? When I first read this I was patting myself on the back and listening to Alanis Morsette. I mean we came a long way in only a hundred years. We should be proud! The people who once controlled us are now being controlled by us, oh wait one problem, how unattractive is that? I think we've just shot ourselves in the foot ladies...

I'm all for having a career, I'm all for making my own money, and I genuinely enjoy being on my own. I have a lovely little life and I see no reason to share it with some smelly boy until I decide to procreate. That being said, I really wish we hadn't emasculated men so much that they have literally started wearing tighter jeans than us, crying more than us, and being less ambitious than us. Pretty soon we will be the ones pulling out their chairs and giving them our jackets so that their delicate skin doesn't get too chilly.

It hasn't really been such a problem in England, these boys have incredible manners, but back in upstate New York where we have apparently bullied men into being girls, it was a major issue. I literally met men who were scared of bugs, men that didn't have a drop of ambition or a single passion, men that would cry, A LOT and I even met men that said vaginas were gross (and no they were not gay). They weren't even looking for a partner, but a new mother, one that would take care of them and make sure there were no monsters under their bed. Sexy.

Listen boys, we took back the night, and now maybe it's your turn to take back the testosterone? Maybe just a little bit? Get that job, go to school, and buy me dinner...if you do that, I promise to keep my hair long and smelling of flowers. Hey! I may even pop out a baby for you (like in 10 years).

It's not that we want to dim ourselves down just so boys can feel like big strong men again, but maybe we can just scoot over a little bit so that they can squeeze their way to the front row too? If we don't I'm afraid that they will be the ones dragging us to see the new Katherine Heigl movie and that is just not something I can handle.

If I was a teenager

I'm really old now, like 22. I get terrible hangovers, go to bed at 11, and watch M*A*S*H. All of my friends have real people jobs and live for the weekends. I'm not completely in the grind yet, but it's only a matter of time before I graduate with a masters and make entry level money. Something to look forward to...

Anyway, if I was a teenager in 2011 this is what I'd totally be in to:

5. Twilight- I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I read and watch Twilight now. The problem is, it isn't cute for a 22 year old to do it, it's like a red flag to all eligible bachelors so sadly I have to keep my Twilight addiction on the DL. That being said, if I was a teenager I would be so loud and proud about my love for Edward it would make Bella blush. I'd probably wear the t-shirts and the pins while daydreaming about my glittery supernatural love. God he's hot.

4. Jersey Shore- When I was a teen I snuck episodes of the Real World but everybody knows the Real World is stupid now and the cool kids watch Jersey Shore. I shudder to think that my 14 year old neighbor has seen this but she probably has...I guess I won't know until she comes home covered in glitter.

3. Demi Lovato- She's this generations lindsay lohan. I love that she's a hot mess, so dramatic, but I like that in a starlet.

2. Justin Beiber- I like him because he hangs out with Ludacris and Luda is awesome. I get that he's cute and he's got a good voice but he's also a total brat. I mean I want to kick him, but if I were 16 I'd probably throw my training bra on stage. When you're 16 the brattier the boy the more alluring he is.

1. Big Time Rush- I had no idea who these kids were until I went on MTV.com yesterday and they were recommended. Basically I guess they have a show and they are really hot. Not to mention this is literally some lyrics from their song "I want to be your boyfriend...bigger than a twilight love affair, I'll be here." God I swooned just typing that. Too bad they all look a little more feminine than me.

Wow I really need to stop reading tigerbeat...

My sister wants a shout out...

So my sister pimps out my blog on her facebook, well actually no, I pimp out my blog on her facebook. Anyway because I use her wall as Ad space she wanted a shout out. What she's forgetting is that growing up she was never really nice to me. Luckily for her I turned out okay despite her best efforts to cripple me both emotionally and physically. Since I have an open heart made completely of gold I have forgiven her and decided to give her that shout out she so desperately wanted. So here is a brief look at our history:

When I was a growing fetus she kicked my mother in the stomach. You can blame it on the stress of being a 4 year old but I just think she had it out for me from the start.

When I was 4 she made "corn cakes" out of clay. I had to bite them because we were playing pretend peasant and peasants should be happy with whatever they are given. Play-doh still makes me cringe.

When I was 5 she invented the horse game. the object of the game was for me to crawl across my front yard like a horse while she chased me on foot and then beat me with a riding crop. If I crossed over the driveway I'd get lemon ice, but surprisingly I never crossed over and subsequently was beaten every afternoon when I got home from school.

When I was 5 she and my babysitter (who are friends now) would play hide and seek with me, funny thing is, they would never come find me.

When I was 6 she put dog poop in a milkshake and made me drink it. As you can imagine, it tasted like shit.

When I was 6-10 we would play shark in my pool. Erin, always a sucker for detail, would hold my head under the water until I stopped struggling and then she would actually bite me until I bruised.

When I was 8 the trampoline blew away and landed on top of someone's car leaving it severely damaged and flipped over. During the three week period that it was flipped she made me learn, practice, and master her dance routine to the song One Week by the Barenaked Ladies. Just like Pavlov's bitches, I still feel the need to perform every time that damn song comes on.

When I was 9, her and her friend told me I was bad because I didn't finish my bagel. They told me that there were starving children in India who would kill for that bagel. I believe my brief stint in peace keeping had a lot to do with that one incident.

After I turned 9 my sister became a teenager and focused more of her angst on my parents than on me which really helped improve our relationship. She's pretty cool now and does the whole art thing, she also makes sure my eyebrows stay in check and that I am using the right shade of blush, but just because I have forgiven doesn't mean I've forgotten. Love you Erin, Can't wait to announce my pregnancy on your wedding day!

Blue Valentine

I absolutely hate movie reviews because they talk about stuff nobody cares about like lighting and acting. I also hate them because reviewers never agree with me, what do you mean Raise Your Voice wasn't worthy of an Oscar Nom? Anyway they are horrible. That being said I just watched Blue Valentine and I really need to talk about it so here I am...

So basically it's like a dramatic version of 500 days of summer. Hipster boy meets hipster girl, they have quirky inside jokes, a dog dies, half an abortion occurs, lots of fighting, and tears. The movie actually made me cry three times (almost as much as Marley and Me) and made me decide to focus way more on my career and way less on that elusive Prince Charming, which Gosling points out doesn't exist. I watched it after reading about it on Thought Catalog where one writer claims he knows three couples who called it quits after the movie. Long story short it was incredibly depressing.

So why is it so depressing:

10. A dog dies...immediate tears. It was just there, on the side of the road, DEAD.

9. Ryan Gosling goes bald, starts smoking, and drinking. In the bits of film that take place in the past he is a total stud. He's tough, ripped, sweet and witty. 8 years after that he is a total loser that you could see in any sports bar in upstate New York. Total dream crusher. I guess nothing gold can stay.

8. The good looking jock is a dickhead who also becomes ugly. Michelle Williams is officially out of options by the time her character hits 30. This gives us all something to look forward to.

7. They move from Brooklyn to Pennsylvania. Some people may not cringe over this but my biggest fear in the entire world is that I will end up in Pennsylvania. It actually made me cry.

6. Old man Walter, the WWII decorated veteran, dies. What can I say, I'm American I have a soft spot for Vets. Especially ones who are that adorable. It was worse than when the dog died.

5. Michelle Williams has really nice hipster hair in the beginning then gives it all up for a banana clip and bad roots. You're a nurse love, you make decent money, get your hair did.

4. There is an abortion scene, talk about a buzz kill. Just don't tell Justin Beiber.

3. Michelle Williams goes from kooky to hot mess in less than a decade. Telling jokes about pedophiles is hilarious, wheeling around in a wheelchair all day is wacky, taking care of your dying grandmother is lovely but then, 8 years later being a total nag and asking someone to hit you is a total bummer.

2. Pretty much everyone else dies except for William's character's asshole father, and even he is dying by the end. To be fair, it never says they die they just aren't there anymore. Oh right, and Michelle's Mom says she was never in love and eluded to the fact that it doesn't exist. Just in case you didn't get that from the entire plot.

1. Gosling walks away from his crying little girl in the end. In five years time she will be passed around the football team like the village bicycle. Girl's with daddy issues break my heart.

So basically if you want to feel like there is absolutely no point, that you'll never be happy and that nuclear families are a myth then watch Blue Valentine, if you don't want to end your life then pop in When Harry Met Sally, god that Meg Ryan is just as cute as a button.

How to have the perfect saturday night...

Be hungover all day.

Wish you had more water and less gin the night before.

Eat eggs because you read somewhere that eggs help combat hangovers.

They don't.

Get ready for happy hour.

Move slowly, like you're being asked to fight a dragon with a fatal wound.

Meet your fabulous friend at the pub.

Immediately remember why you agreed to this the night after a party.

Start off right, long island iced tea.

Switch to wine.

Talk about Barbies and being 13. She really did have amazing shoes.

Get drunk.

Talk about boys.

Get drunker.

Move to a new bar, you're too embarrassed to order another bottle of wine at this one.

Order another bottle of wine.

Act stupid but talk about how you're really both smart.

New bar, need to dance.

Tequila.

Joke dancing with Persian men.

More joke dancing.

Annoy everyone within a 5 foot radius.

More tequila.

Hit on bartender.

Fail miserably.

Too drunk.

Run out and decide you really need a Kebab.

Buy one, with LOTS of ketchup.

Stumble home.

Drunk facebook/skype.

Eat your Kebab in a hot bath.

It doesn't get any better than that.

A week unplugged..

Ok so this past week I had no internet. I was like a junkie, sneaking looks on people's iphone, begging to log on real quick just to get a peak at my beloved facebook. I dreamt about email. So how was? Here's a play by play:

Day 1- It was more like evening 1. I had internet all day and had already youtubed/facebooked/googled/music-ed myself out so it was fine. A piece of cake.

Day 2- Withdraw already set in. Internet cafe for an hour. I had so many notifications though that it was worth the one pound.

Day 3- Broke down and used my phone. I hadn't talked to my sister or my parents in days and it was just weird. Sorry Mom, hope the bill isn't too high this month. More internet cafes.

Day 4- Friday. Went to my friends house to check my email and facebook. No notifications and roughly a million emails. I'm dead on facebook. Figure that I'll have to take a lot of pictures this weekend if I want to get my facebook activity back on track.

Day 5- Too hungover to care. Have replaces facebook with texting, burning through phone credit like Charlie Sheen burns through porn stars.

Day 6- More hungover, too exhausted to be social.

Day 7- Monday. Watched TV the entire day.

So the secret to being unplugged is to replace one addiction with another. I can certainly give up internet if I submerse myself in television, alcohol, and phones. It was actually very relaxing to back up a few decades, I felt like a technological pioneer. And don't worry my facebook activity went through the roof this weekend, notifications galore.

Off the grid

Well, I'm without internet until next week, total bummer. Anyway, since I'm not quite hipster enough to sit in an internet cafe and blog all day I'll catch you fools next week.

Mom and Dad don't worry, I'm not dead.

It's the little things...

Obviously fabulous vacations, loads of money, and finding the best necklace are all very exciting things, but they aren't everyday occurrences. Ask anyone in my inner circle, so like my sister, and she'll tell you that I take care of myself like no one else. It's very important to self-soothe and I'm the champion at it. Because, sometimes it's the little things that make your day. LIKE....

10. New sheets. New sheets are the best things in the entire world. It's literally like getting a new bed. Bonus if the sheets are over 400 thread count. God that shit is soft. With Egyptian cotton, who needs the sandman?

9. When Mint Car comes up randomly on your iPod. Mint Car is quite possible the best, cheeriest song ever written. If you don't agree with me then you're dead inside. I never pick it out because I don't want to ruin it thus I must wait for my shuffle to surprise me. When it does come up I'm in an instant good mood for the rest of the day.

8. Ordering takeout. I'm a big takeout food person. Usually I just eat sandwiches from Tesco but I'm not going to lie, I'm a big believer in ordering in sushi on Sunday's. It's called sushi Sunday and I never miss it, well except this past Sunday which became pad thai Sunday because I was hungover.

7. Magazines. I mean I love a good book, there really is nothing better, but I'm also really, really into magazines, I even love waiting rooms. So next time you're feeling a little blue get your tush to your local news stand and buy as many trashy magazines as you can get your hands on. Bonus if it's of celebrities and their cellulite!

6. Walks. I don't like sports and I don't like the gym. The only thing I like is taking walks, long walks and just wandering around. Walks kept me sane throughout high school and Romania. Without them I'd be a complete loon by now.

5. Cookie Dough...well duh oh and cake batter.

4. I try not to talk about the Cure more than once a post but come on, they were so right when they said "It's Friday I'm in Love..." That's because Friday's are the best day of the week. I only have school twice a week but Friday's still have my heart. Friday happy hour could be compared to a religious experience or therapy in my book.

3. Catching Hills season 1 randomly on MTV. The Hills was only good the first season because Spencer Pratt is gross and Heidi became a robot by season 2. It's also the only season where Lauren gets drunk a lot and actually cries. That's why it became fake after that. God could you imagine if all your drunken sobbing tirades were caught on camera and aired to pre-teens across the United States? No wonder she became boring.

2. Not to be all lushy on you but sometimes you just need a glass of wine, or a bottle, or whatever. Stay in one night and drink alone and watch Hilary Duff movies, trust me it'll be the best night of your life.

1. Speaking of Hilary Duff movies, nothing is better, well except Olsen twins movies.

I believe in LOVE again...

I used to be a big believer in love and soul mates. I was particularly idealistic and romantic during the 1990's when my Disney consumption was at an all time high.

Sadly, my dreams of finding the "one" began to fade in the 2000's. This was mainly the result of the Barbie and Ken breakup of 2004, the death of John Hughes, and my increasing obsession with Sex and the City (The series, not the movies!).

So by 2011 I had completely given up on the idea of true love and romance. That was until today. Today, my hope has been restored courtesy of Matel.

For those of you who are not aware of the dirty breakup, Barbie was done with Ken back in 2004. He was kind of high maintenance and became completely jealous of Barbies booming career. He loved her, but he perhaps loved her too much. I heard he wouldn't even let her out of the house, terrified that he'd lose her. Barbie's BFF Theresa even told me that they went out one night and Ken was blowing up her phone, flipping out, demanding she come back home asap. Bummer city!

Barbie loved Ken but being the smart independent hottie that she was, she dumped his ass and moved on to Australian surfer Blaine who was a breath of fresh air. He was fun, carefree, and umm hello? totally hot!

The breakup didn't just devastate me, it also tore poor Ken apart. He fell into the bottle for a little bit and had a string of meaningless one night stands. Finally in 2007, Ken started to get his shit together and did some soul searching. He went traveling and just focused on himself, figuring out what he wanted and why he had become a total bugaboo. After a few years of Ken doing Ken, he discovered that his crazy antics had all been based on his insecurity.

Meanwhile in Australia, Barbie was getting pissed off at Blaine and his lackadaisical ways. She's a doctor, a lawyer, a model, and works at McDonalds and all Blaine did was smoke pot and bitch about Outback Steakhouse. I mean don't get me wrong, he was totally fun, but not the kind of guy you could really get serious with. Barbie missed the strong connection she shared with her first love Ken. He may have been difficult, but their love was real.

Anyway, long story short, Ken is trying to win back Babs in time for the most romantic day of the year. Go here to vote and lets get these two kids back together so that I, and girls everywhere, can once again believe in love.

Twilights last reaming...

Oh the Super Bowl. Since I'm old and require at least 10 hours of sleep to function normally, I missed the big event which didn't air until midnight this side of the Atlantic, but I spent all morning catching up. From the limited research I've done thus far, it looks like the commercials were pretty bad and that Christina messed up the national anthem, I told you she was the new Lohan.

But for me, like a lot of Americans I know, it's not really about the game is it? It's the entire event. It's the fact that it is a total and complete representation of America and American culture. Everything is bigger, it's brighter, it's better. No other event in the world can even compare. And don't go all World Cup on me, that's a month long, global, and only happens every 4 years.

When I watched the game highlights, and by game I mean the half-time show and Christina's flub, I became incredibly proud of my country. I love that we aren't subtle, I love that we are loud, I love that everything is covered in glitter and that when we do something, we go all the way. No other nation in the world can throw a party like we can and for that, I'll always proudly rock my Red, White, and Blue.

Oh and I have to say, Eminem's Chrysler commercial brought a tear to my eye. Long live the motor city!!

Furthermore, people need to chill out about the Black Eyed Peas, I love them and I love Fergie. They put on a great show as far as I'm concerned and anyone who disagrees is just being a music snob. We should all just be happy that it wasn't Katy Perry or even worse... Lady Gaga.

So God Bless you America, I miss you, I miss your nachos, your chicken wings, your love for your soldiers, and your shitty, shitty Doritos commercials.

Oh and congrats Packers. It looks like you did a pretty good job too.

How to party with a moderately famous band...

Last night my friends surprised me with tickets to see Cage the Elephant in North London. It was a blast and the night ended at around 2am in Shoreditch. Well anyway here's my step by step guide on how to party with a moderately famous band, and I'll tell you right now it doesn't involve drugs or sex, thank you very much!

Start the night by saying "I'm not going to drink that much and I'll try to be back before the tube closes so that I won't have to take bus 14 all the way back."

Arrive at the venue and buy cheap beer. Push your way past all the 16 year olds to the front row. Who doesn't want to be in the front row?

Buy another beer.

Try to make eye contact with a lesser important band member, i.e. don't go for the lead singer, focus on the bassist.

Fail miserably.

When the show is over go and buy another beer.

Have your friend from Kentucky tell the band that is also from Kentucky that she is from Kentucky.

Get back stage, I mean get in the back alley.

Meet someone from your home town and have an awkward conversation about Wegmans.

Start talking to a random friend of the band.

Get invited to the after party.

Talk about Kentucky Friend Chicken.

Learn that all the band members are either married or engaged. Switch your dancing from hot to joke and lose all hope of having them fall in love and living off their royalties.

Have fun instead.

Get yelled at because Kentucky boys don't love to joke dance, i.e. get bent over.

Have a deep conversation with the guitarist, "Are you having fun?" "Yes, I'm just an introvert."

Leave because your feet hurt, get invited back for their show in March.

Wish there was a 24/7 McDonalds.

Can I join a cult?

Last summer my neighbor went to a Christian camp. Oops sorry, a born again Christian camp, yes there is a huge difference. The counselors told my little neighbor that the apocalypse was coming and that unless she accepted Jesus into her heart she would fall into the fiery depths of hell, like the rest of her misguided friends and family. She totally bought it and came back to Rochester with glazed over eyes and a holier-than-thou attitude. It took months to de-brainwash her and convince her that if the apocalypse does come, the Catholics, not the born agains, would be the only survivors, duh! Talk about a bummer.

Anyway, despite my concern, I have to say that I was pretty jealous. No one has ever tried to recruit me into a cult. I have tried to walk around looking doe-eyed and naive. It's not like I've been trying to get recruited into the Masons, just an ordinary "drink the kool-aid kind" of cult.

For awhile I thought maybe I could try and start my own cult. If no one would invite me, why not make my own? I thought about it, but then I realized that it wouldn't truly fulfill me. I wanted to BE brainwashed, I didn't want to brainwash others.

So here is my cult wish list. I'll be waiting impatiently for an invite...

10. Church of Bible Understanding. This cult was started by a vacuum repairman! That sounds very exciting. They even have a mission in Haiti. I was hoping for an invite but I think my chances are pretty slim due to their main recruitment technique, which is targeting children 11-13. Damn, missed the mark!!

9. The Manson Family. Charles Manson was a total psychopath but he was also apparently very charming, because well, only charming people can lead cults. He raped and killed a bunch of people but his followers did most of his dirty work. I'm not too into blood so this probably wouldn't be the cult for me, oh and also most of the members got arrested and are in jail. I guess that means that there are at least a few vacancies.

8. Scientology. This cult is a little too easy for me to get in. All you have to do is write a check or be a gay, male, celebrity. I'd have to say that this is my last resort. If no one tries to recruit me by, lets say 27, then I'll turn to scientology. Wait, does that mean I can't take xanex when I fly?

7. Hare Krishnas. This cult was a pretty big deal with idealistic hippies back in the 70's and that doesn't really appeal to me. I like my cult's to be a little darker and a little less tambourine. I'm also more interested in a cult that is on it's way up, not one that is so 30 years ago. Oh well, I guess beggars can't really be choosers.

6. Children of God. This cult is beyond disturbing because they believed in having sex with children. I think that's why River Phoenix overdosed and Rose McGowan is such a looney-toon. This cult also turned female members into prostitutes in order to recruit new members and called it "flirty fishing" (to be fair, alliterations get you a long way with me). Word play aside, I'm thinking this is not the cult for me so I'm just going to avoid prostitutes from now on.

5. Heavens Gate. Yes! This is my favorite cult of all time. Anyway this cult had a very cool logo and believed that the Hale-Bopp comet was coming to take them away. In order to get on the comet they all killed themselves in a house in San Diego. They all wore matching sneakers too which takes it to a whole other level. I'd love to get into this cult except they pretty much all died. Ohhh what's that? I think I hear a comeback!!

4. Solar Temple. Yet another dooms day cult. This cult believed the apocalypse was also coming and that suicide was the only option. Very similar to Heaven's Gate, except they killed themselves in Switzerland which I think puts them ahead of Heaven's Gate in the rankings. Fun Fact: the leader Luc Joret was a Gestapo Officer during WWII and died with 93 million dollars in the bank!

3. Branch Davidians. This cult is precious because it included a charismatic leader, the stockpiling of weapons, and then deadly fire. 76 people died and this time it had nothing to do with mass suicide. No one is really sure if it was the government or the cult's fault and no one ever will. What happens in Waco, stays in Waco.

2. The People's Temple. Oh well this one is equally adorable because it is the cult that actually involved poisonous Kool-aid and proves that socialist doctrine is literally suicidal! In fact, after facing charges from the United States followers of People's Temple fled to Guyana. Convinced that the U.S. government was hot on their heels, 909 members drank kool-aid and killed themselves. I guess I won't get into this one either, only the good die young.

1. The Duggar family. I want long permed hair, I want to wear long jean skirts, and I want my name to start with "J." I mean, Michelle can't actually give birth to me but maybe I can just line up with them and they'll never know. Yes, I would give up the internet for them.

I think my chances of being recruited by any of these cults is slim to none which is incredibly frustrating. All the good cults happened before my time and now all we're left with is Scientology and Born Again Christians. If only I was born 10 years earlier!!!

Being retired

So the other day I mentioned that being in grad school was similar to being retired. I meant it as a joke, but then as I settled in to watch my second hour of M*A*S*H I realized that I actually live the exact same life as my 65 year old retired father.

Everyday I wake up around 9:30-10. My Dad wakes up around this time too. If you ask him, he'll say he wakes up earlier but he'd be lying.

Next I drink coffee with a lot of sugar, so does Joe D.

Then I shower and come back and watch TV, so does he

I catch up on the news and get mad at the world, so does he, only he gets madder because he watches Fox news and I just read fox news.

Then I get dressed to go get more coffee and a sandwich. He makes a sandwich then goes and buys a Strawberries and Cream from Starbucks.

I come back to watch more TV, he comes back for his nap. I swear the man sleeps like a koala bear.

I eat dinner at 4, so does he. Why wait all the way til 6?

I watch M*A*S*H while eating dinner, so does he.

I chill out until the boys get home, he chills out until my mom comes home.

He lives with two girls (Mom and Riley) I live with two boys (John and John)

About once a week he buys khaki pants, about once a week I buy a new shirt

He still has court or appointments (he's a lawyer not a convict) twice a week, I have class twice a week.

He plays golf once a week, I get drunk once a week

The exact same life, except he drives.

In defense of being shallow

So yesterday was the first day of class. I had structure and style, or was it style and structure? No clue, but anyway I digress. In class we had to do that very annoying first day of class thing where we all sit in a circle and have to talk about ourselves like an AA meeting.

So we were all going around the room. Everyone was an experienced writer, each one cooler than the next, expressing their love for the written word and other authors, most of whom I have never heard of it. I think someone mentioned F. Scott Fitzgerald but that was the extent of it.

Anyway they get to me and I openly declare that I am a shallow 22 year old girl from middle-class America. Now admitting you're shallow to a bunch of writers is sort of like chumming the waters and then jumping in dressed as an injured seal. The Professor jumped on me within 2 seconds and then asked how other's felt about me being shallow. It was awkward, especially when one woman called it refreshing.

But here's the thing, every writer, every artist, every "intellectual," thinks that they're deep, and I would argue that if you think you're deep you most likely aren't. When you have actually seen some whose been to hell and back, it's hard to relate with "oh I totally get that, someone broke my heart."

The truth is, I gave up my dream career of peace work for writing and what's shallower than writing? You just chill out in your head all day. If that's not narcissism than I don't know what is.

The concept of being deep is manufactured and it doesn't really exist. I read books, follow politics and my favorite color is black, but I also really like the mall and smiling. If being deep is about being pretend tortured count me out. I'm only 22, my teenage angst won't be considered true character until I hit 25. Until then, I'll be at the mall.

The time I went to pre-teen, feminist, computer camp...

When I was about 8, my parents had no idea what to do with me. I wasn't fitting into a normal niche and was playing a lot of pokemon. By 8, it had become clear that I would never actually enjoy playing sports, but I also couldn't put my hair in a ponytail, let alone be girlie yet. On top of this, I couldn't understand out how to read until about 10 (for the record, I'm pretty good at it now) so it wasn't looking like I'd be a brain either. My best friend at this time was a Chinese girl who we'll call Molly for the sake of this blog. Unlike me, Molly was incredibly bright as were both of her parents. Molly was very cold and structured, there was nothing particularly fun or interesting about her but she did have a really fun backyard. In an attempt to get rid of me during the summer and hopefully have some of Molly's brain rub off on me, my parents talked to Molly's parents and they decided to sign us up for a computer camp just for girls. The camp was local and only lasted a week, but the impact lasted a lifetime.

On the first day of camp I was super nervous. It was the first time I had ever been to a camp before. Boy was I glad to have my bestie with me though. I knew this would bring Molly and I closer together and at the very least would cement the fact that we'd be lunch buddies for another year. As we walked into camp, I quickly realized I was the youngest girl there. I was also the only girl who hadn't walked in harboring a resentment towards Men. The Camp Director, Linda was terrifying, and going through a divorce. She hated men, but she really hated little girls who didn't hate on men. I was forced to make a decision, to choose between Linda's respect and loving my Dad. Molly could sense that I had commitment issues and that I wasn't exactly camp material and subsequently dropped me like a hot potato within the first hour.

Alone, in a feminist camp, we spent the day talking about email and chatrooms. I sat in the back hoping that there would be another father loving outsider to hang out with but she never came. Matters only got worse during lunch when my loving mother packed me a ham sandwich and a diet coke, lovingly kept cold in a Hooters beer cozy. Try explaining that to terrifying man-hating, feminist Linda. To this day, I wonder if my parents did that on purpose as some sort of cruel joke?

Each day in camp was worse than the one before. We went to look at lasers a lot, then we'd come back and look at pictures of models of all shapes, colors, and sizes. I got yelled at because I thought the skinny blond model was the prettiest. They had an intervention with me of sorts to inform me that she was in fact ugly and deformed and that I had been brainwashed by the male dominated media. A concept I couldn't exactly grasp at 8. Then the worst thing yet, on day 4, I got caught playing with my tomigotchi so they took that away too.

As the days progressed, we played with more lasers and liquid nitrogen. I had turned my Hooters beer cozy inside-out and then duct tapped it, so it looked even classier now. By day 5 I was mentally, and emotionally drained. I had lost a good toy, a bad friend, and any interest in computers.

I think this is why I only use Macs, I have no Chinese friends, and divorced feminists scare the shit out of me.