Neglect

I'm sorry I've totally been neglecting my blog during this Christmas season, but I hope you all have been neglecting the internet and spending time with the ones you love, no homo.

That being said, I just want to let you all in on a little secret. As you all may or may not know, I am terrified of flying. But this time I was cool, calm and collected and do you want to know why?

Gin. Drink lots and lots of gin before you get on a plane. Drink so much you pass out during take off. I swear, it's like you have no anxiety at all.

I mean obviously, when you wake up from your drunken stupor you're hungover and confused but it is better than having a panic attack while sitting next to a guy who can't speak English. My sister says scotch does the same thing, but to be honest, scotch usually makes me very mellow and thoughtful. Gin just makes me laugh until I fall asleep. Much better if you ask me.

I mean...

Obviously the last 5 posts were all written under the influence. I'd apologize but you all seem to love it...

How to suck...

10. Get stung by a bee and cry

9. Change the rules and cry

8. Have a big ass and cry

7. Pick your nose, eat it, and cry

6. Have a stay at home mom and cry

5. Have no friends and cry

4. Go to a shit private school and cry

3. Be a narc and a cry

2. Have your parents be in a loveless marriage and cry

1. Have your mom hit on my dad and cry

An open letter to my sister's enemies....

This was written by Erin Laura Dennison, my sister...

A few years ago I moved from NYC to Los Angeles. All my east coast friends gave me shit and warned me not to “get soft”... well, 3 years later I've become a total people pleaser. So, for the sake of keeping it really real, here's a “fuck you” to all those who deserve it (names have been changed to protect the douche-y)

When I was 3, this fuckbag named Troy used to be the resident bully of our pre-school. He reigned the fort and kicked all the girls out. He told me if I stepped foot on his property he was gonna knock me out. I did, and... crickets. He didn't do a fucking thing. What a pussy-ass 4 year old.

When I was in Jr High, AIM was all the rage. My BFF, “Kara”, obv knew my password. She was peanut butter and jealous and decided to go on it one day, pose as me, and tell everyone that I was a lesbian. This was a 7th grade death sentence. I would go to her house and cry about it every day after school... until her confessional during study hall. We're friends on Facebook, and I'm way prettier than her now.

Several years ago, I had this friend. She was a little vapid and boring, but hey, I met her during college and I was drunk. When I was in college, my only BFF qualifiers were that we could share clothes and liked to sneak into the same bars. And by those standards, “Keaghan” and I were the best of friends. She ended up hooking up with my serious boyfriend during alumni week-- who I was convinced was “the one”-- and understandably denied it. Later on, I got our mutual friend drunk enough to spill the beans. Two years ago, I vowed to destroy her. I guess I got distracted, but if I ever get to Boston- you're fucking done for.

When I lived in New Jersey (I know), I shared an apartment with a closet case who promised to ruin my life after I cut him out of one-too-many girls nights. He read my emails and arranged a coup-d'état with my college girl friends. It worked cause we were 21 and drama was fun. My ex later saw him at a bar and hit him; which was awesome, because he would have pulled all my hair out had I tried to fight him myself.

Los Angeles, the rumors are true, you're mostly awful... but my base tan is on point and after hiking 4 days a week, my ass will not quit.

Not to be a dick....

But I like

1. When people break up on facebook

2. When people "like" when people break up on facebook

3. Doppelganger week...when people overestimate themselves

4. When boy's drink Mike's hard Lemonade

5. Bad TV

6. That my family goes to Christmas parties just to make fun of the hosts

7. McDonalds

8. That my family is only Catholic around the holidays

9. That my sister has enemies

10. Pussy ass bitches, stop crying

11. Drunk blogging

whatever, 11 is my favorite number.

All of my boyfriends ever...

Well in the name of fairness, here are all of my boyfriends EVER. (I changed the names because I am friends with most of these kids on facebook and I want to save myself the awkward facebook inbox.)

My first boyfriend's name was Andy. We were four and met in daycare. He didn't love me, but I loved him and that's all that matters. I told him he had to marry me or else I'd beat him up. He agreed but I am not sure how legal it was. Eventually my parents took me out of daycare and the distance forced us to break up. I tried to stalk him on facebook but was unsuccessful.

I was a late bloomer so my next boyfriend didn't happen again until 7th grade. His name was Chris and he was a hottie, he even played football. I loved him, but we broke up because I wasn't ready to go to 1st base. I mean hello, I was only 10. After we broke up he dated my bff and said I wasn't pretty enough for him. I can't lie, I love that I'm prettier than him now.

After my first heartbreak came Dan. Dan asked me out via a note on the bus. We kept trying to make it work, however I wasn't ready to take the relationship to the next level. We broke up when I still wasn't ready to go to first base. He's married now and I'm still single. Maybe I should have put out after all.

After Dan I took a break from boys to focus on myself. My next boyfriend didn't enter the picture until I was 16. His name was Mike and he was a faggle but I loved him too. He was so hot and listened to emo music, which made him cool in my mind. After weeks of text messages, we made out on my friend's front lawn and he smelled like Doritos and beer. He broke up with me because I wouldn't sleep with him, but hello I was 16 and he smelled like Doritos.

Next was Stan. Stan was just my rebound but he was in love with me. I was playing house and he was planning my future. I went to college and dumped him as soon as I got my first grade. I broke up with him on myspace and fucked him up for a little bit. I still feel like a dick...

After Stan was John. John was super hot but a total dick. I dated him because he was hot and rich and I was 18. He was also incredibly boring and while we hooked up, I watched TV. I think 60 minutes was on. We had nothing in common but we pretended we did because we dressed alike and that's what you do when you're 18. I dumped him, then we got back together and then he dumped me. The next year he became a drug dealer, then he dropped out of school and I traveled Europe then moved to London. Also his follow-up GF was a total Jessica. I like to think I won.

After John, I realized I was more fun than most boys. Now I date myself and we have so much fun together. We're thinking of buying a condo.

All of my sister's boyfriends ever

Since I personally am not ready to disclose such personal information, I will now discuss all of my sister's ex-boyfriends. Don't worry I have her permission. I am also well aware that a few of these gentleman read my blog hoping to get back into my sister's good graces sorry bros, anyway, I digress...

My sister's first boyfriend, Mike, came into the picture in kindergarten. He pretended to be a faithful stand-up guy until that faithful day that he attempted to trade my sister in for a lollypop. No joke. Candy for a girl? Call me a crazy feminist but that is bullshit.

Craig was my sister's second boyfriend. She laid low for a couple of years then reemerged in 7th grade. Craig was a Mormon who got in trouble for putting burping powder in a teacher's drink. He also was my sister's first love and best friend. Like all mormons, he moved away to Utah in 8th grade and was then sent to Juvie. If that's not hot, I don't know what is.

Erin's next boyfriend was Jake. Jake was your average Suburban nightmare. He wore Abercrombie (seriously his 1999 birthday present is still in her closet) and axe body spray. He only listened to DMX and Christmas music but he did have a car so it was okay. I think they dated for 3 months.

Next was Chris. He screwed her bff but now he is an engineer who carries around the constitution in his pocket. I don't know what to make of him now, but I do remember him having big ears and a goofy grin.

Eventually Erin went to college and dated Blake. Blake wore cargo shorts and cheated on my sister with a girl who looked just like her. He also had an unhealthy relationship with his mom. My sister broke his nose.

There was then an anonymous rugby player who wore "perfect jeans." I've only seen one picture of him and in it he wore a cowboy hat.

Next was Gary. Gary and Erin were in LOOOOOOVE. He followed her around like a puppy and never talked. One time he came to visit and got an infection. My mom spent the whole weekend saying "poor Gary." He had a chubby sidekick and a lot of piercings. He is now a 3rd grade teacher.

Up next was Dash. Dash was white rapper and our family's favorite. To this day, we talk about Dash and how cool he was. Even my macho-army-redneck father loved him. He was the first of Erin's boytoys to talk to me and he helped get me into a bar underage. He had an earring, but his personality more than made up for it.

Next was John. John looked like an adonis but was boring and put everyone to sleep. He was living proof that looks mean jack shit at the end of the day. I think he lives by the beach now and is trying to be a skateboarder. Good luck.

I'm currently awaiting my sister's next boyfriend, I hope he's cool but I'll probably hate him.

Ed. Note: Unfortunately, she lives in L.A. now so the last 8 guys she's dated have been gay, I have decided not to count them.

P.S. my sister and I are both wasted as I post this...merry xmas

Movie Review

Ok so on Saturday I went to see a movie with my mom because it was my first day back in town and it's our "thing." We decided to choose a very low maintenance Romantic Comedy. Jake Gyllenhaal is never bad to look at so despite the fact that I cannot stand Anne Hathaway, we chose Love and Other drugs.

Now this is what I thought the movie was going to be about: An asshole guy meets a kooky girl who gives him a run for his money. She is arty and has a cool loft apartment and he is taken by her "I don't care" attitude. That is until he starts to make big money as a Viagra sales rep and is instantly surrounded by gorgeous girls and their accompanying gash. At this point Hathaway will become jealous because she has realized she is holding him back and can no longer compete for his affections. He lets her go and then immediately regrets it, rushing to meet her before she leaves town in a very romantic grand gesture. She takes him back and then they live happily ever after in her kooky loft apartment. The end.

What the movie actually was about: An asshole guy who doesn't really seem like an asshole is hired as a drug sales rep. He goes to the doctor to sell some zoloft and pretends he is an intern. There he meets a kooky Hathaway who is getting medication for her PARKINSON'S DISEASE (heavy). They then start having guilt-free no strings attached sex, even though he actually wants a commitment. Finally he brings over chinese food so she starts to see him more as a boyfriend (this actually is probably based in reality). They have lots of raunchy sex to prove that both actors are straight and sexy? Then they tape it, Gyllenhaals brother jerks off to this footage later. Anyway I digress, Jake starts selling Viagra and making a lot of money and Anne becomes an even bigger bitch because she runs out of her pills one day. She gets drunk and he hold her. Then they go to Chicago where Anne meets more people with Parkinson's and Jake freaks out because he knows one day he will have to change her diapers. Despite the fact that he freaks out he decides to find a cure by flying Anne all over the country. His credit card gets maxed out and Anne gets annoyed. They break up. Jake gets a promotion but just before he leaves he finds the sex tape and Anne looks pretty in it and says she's happy. Jake goes and gets her off the bus that is just taking her to Canada for the weekend with some senior citizens. They get back together, Jack gives up his promotion, they move into her apartment and wait for the day that Anne will start needing diapers. The end.

The movie was over two hours and it actually made my skin crawl. Now I can say for certainty, Jake Gyllenhaal is gay and Anne Hathaway's eyes freak me out.

7377

After a 20 hour journey, thank you Delta, I am back home safe and sound. I always forget how good home is until I'm away for a while. I love living in London, but some stuff you just can't get on that side of the Atlantic...

10. Free food. Sure when you're living in a city you can get free meals by going on dates, begging, or being lucky, but that takes a lot of work and a lot of luck. When I'm home I constantly get free food. They take me out to lunch, out to dinner, buy any groceries I want, AND even buy me candy bars at the check out line. Super score.

9. Hot showers. The shower in our apartment is only hot if the fire place is on and then it is so hot it burns your skin until it peels off. If you don't feel like melting the shower is ice cold. Home, the shower and/or bath is always perfectly warm. Warm enough that you are red when you get out, but not too warm that you need to apply neosporin.

8. My dog. I'm one of those really annoying people that is convinced my dog is special and that everyone wants to hear about it. I just love her so much. Last night we cuddled all night and then in the morning we cuddled and had breakfast. I missed her mushy face.

7. TV. We have a good cable package at my apartment, but we have a GREAT cable package at home, not to mention I can order movies on demand and then my parents pay for it. Sometimes it's fun to be a leach.

6. Cars. Everyone knows that I love public transportation. But sometimes it's great to be picked up in a car and taken to exactly where you need to go for free. Just for the record I am shit at driving so I avoid it whenever possible.

5. Popeyes chicken. Living abroad is excellent and I'm totally content, but yesterday I had popeyes chicken and I forgot how good shitty fast food is. My body almost shut down but I think it was worth it.

4. My mall. The shopping in London is obviously top-notch. I can buy anything my heart desires but when it comes right down to it, I love my mall. Besides, my pounds go much further here.

3. Christmas movies. Obviously they have christmas movies in London but in America we are really obnoxious about them, which is a good thing. They are on 24/7 here which is ideal for someone like me who could honestly watch them 24/7. Miracle on 34th street? Yes please.

2. Shitty TV. Since I've been home I have watched several episodes of 16 and pregnant and The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I missed this trash. I need this trash.

1. No homo, but it's always good seeing the family. They are just as batshit crazy as I remember.

Rochester

So I am heading back to Rochester New York tomorrow, so sorry to all 2 of my readers but there will be no blog entries for the next 48 hours, unless I die then there will be no blog posts ever again but I'm sure you'll see that on the news. Anyway I digress...

Rochester is not a well-known city and for those of you who do know about, it's never good stuff. But just because it's a small city that is sort of dying doesn't mean it's not fabulous.

So this is to you Rochester. You aren't just Kodak, Xerox, fast ferries, and gangs. I know you, and I know you have more to offer than a Buffalo or a Syracuse.

This is something I wrote for the Rochester examiner last year but it still holds true:

Sure, Hollywood rules the pop-culture scene, but it does not have a monopoly on it. Every city has a unique flavor, and Rochester is no exception. What makes Rochester cool and fun is far more unique than even Lady Gaga.

Lets begin by exploring Rochester's food culture. Of course there are the food staples that can be found in every city like great Chinese, Italian, and French cuisine but what all major cities lack are Garbage Plates. These sinister meals have become a Rochester Pop culture phenomenon and its easy to see why, they are delicious. Meat, mac salad, hot sauce, onions, mustard, and home-fries piled on top of each other is something that everyone misses, as soon as they cross the county line.

While the food is famous, so is the store. This store makes shopping easy, fun, and an event.Wegmans is just one more thing that makes Rochester, Rochester. Danny and crew know how to run a grocery store and their influence can be seen in all of their competitors. Unfortunately for Tops, they just can't cut it.

Just a few honorable mentions for Roch's pop culture scene- The Bug Jug: a hipster paradise, the Spot cafe: a caffeinated hipster paradise , Park Leigh: gift-giving made easy, or check out a show at Water Street.

Rochester does not't have the celebrities, glitz, or mental instability of some of the larger pop-culture centers, but that does not't mean its culture can't compete. Next time you're bored stroll down Park, University, or Monroe Avenue, maybe even flip off Kodak headquarters. Check out the multiple festivals and indulge in a garbage plate. By the end of the day you may even be referring to soda as "pop," Reintroduce yourself to Rochester.

bummer

Things that bum me out:

10. Jennifer Lopez. I used to love Jennifer Lopez, even though I pretended I didn't. I mean "I'm Real," how good was that? She did duets with LL Cool J and Ja Rule, and we all know no one is mo' betta than Ja Rule. Now she is married to that latino skeleton, has babies, and is hosting American Idol? Please love, you are bumming me out, go back to P.Diddy and making Romantic Comedies, actually scratch that last bit.

9. When the remote is on top of the television. That's the worst. The whole point of the remote is that you don't have to go to the TV. This totally bums me out.

8. Those sad commercials with beaten up kittens and starved puppies. I am watching Keeping up the Kardashians, I don't really need to watch a montage of abused baby animals while I am being as shallow as humanly possible. Especially when Sarah McLachlan is playing in the background. Way to make everyone feel like shit!

7. Lines. I am more of an instant gratification person. Not to mention that when growing up my Dad wouldn't wait in lines and would say "No one should ever make you wait," so now it has been hammered into my head that I am above lines. On those rare occasions that I actually wait I throw a temper tantrum and get all whiney. This bums everyone out, including me, obviously.

6. Painful shoes. Ask any girl and they will tell you, nothing ruins a night more than when you have shoes that pinch your toes and gives you blisters. It can actually turn a super fun night and a fabulous outfit into a bum fest in less than 5 minutes.

5. Nicholas Sparks. He may just be the biggest bummer of all. Love only exists if one of you is terminally ill, you have issues with your Dad, and your heart's family hates you. His movies and books are lame as shit and totally cliche, yet they always make me cry. What a bummer.

4. On to another famous Nick, Nicholas Cage. He has always bummed me out, then this week he threw a diva fit in Romania. No one can fuck with Romania, except Anthony Bourdain.

3. Terrorists. Stop trying to make the crusades happen, they're never gonna happen. You are expensive, you fuck up my vacation plans, and you make everyone scared. If you want attention get it through positive actions, God didn't you learn anything in Kindergarten.

2. Teen Mom. If I want to see white trash I can do it on my own time. Thanks MTV for shoving it down my throat and making an entire generation of young girls think babies are fun and lead to lucrative TV contracts.

1. Christina Aguilera. Britney Spears was better than you in 1999, she was better than you when she was in rehab, and she is better than you now. Sorry love.

High School

Since I will be heading back to my hometown this weekend for a little Xmas celebration I have been mentally preparing myself for the inevitable run-ins with my former high school colleagues. Some people love this part of the holidays, some people hate it. I was practically Daria when I was 17 which means I definitely fall into the later category. Since I am now safely away from my high school past, I am not able to objectively analyze the situation. So here it is, the things I wish I had known in high school.

10. You can learn everything in a maximum of 3 years. I actually did realize this back then which is why I skipped a year. That being said, there is absolutely no need for four full years of high school, I don't really think there is even a need for 3. I will be honest, I learned a lot of stuff from Kindergarten to Jr. High like how to read, but then I didn't absorb anything new until my freshman year of college. In fact, I would bet a large sum of money that the U.S. history curriculum from 7th grade is actually identical to the one in 10th grade.

9. A large percent of male high school teachers would stare at your boobs. I didn't really realize this until after the fact, but yeah several teachers would stare at your tits. I know one specifically that would make comments about a girl's in my class.

8. The senior boys really aren't that big of a deal. Not to get all Taylor Swift on you, but when you are a freshman you sort of think the senior boys are the bees knees. Then when you get out of high school and you run into them, still wearing their trusty cargo shorts and drinking Bud light, you realize they aren't that impressive, they are just 2-3 years older than you.

7. Getting detention isn't a big deal. I used to be terrified that I would get detention, that I would be labeled a bad kid. Now I realize that detention literally has no impact on your life whatsoever. I never got detention, and I probably missed out on some good fun because I was so worried that I'd get detention. But even if I had been forced to stay after school once or twice, nothing in my life would be any different.

6. Binder checks are bullshit. Not only did I fail every binder check that I ever had, I also stressed about every single one. One math teacher looked through my notes and then showed everyone in class my doodles. He told me I was unorganized and if I wanted to be successful I'd have to take my notes more seriously. Then he gave me an F. If I knew then what I know now, I would have told him to fuck off.

5. Being part of a clique is stupid. I wasn't smart enough to be with the smart kids, I wasn't tan enough to be with the cool kids (although I did take on a nice shade of orange), and I wasn't sad enough to be a goth. I used to wish I was one of the above, then I went to college and hung out with everyone and had a blast.

4. School lunches rocked. You got a main, 2 sides, and a milk for a dollar. I literally cannot buy anything for a dollar, expect maybe a gumball. I wish I had appreciated this more at the time. I actually bribed my 14 year old neighbor yesterday to bring me back a piece of pizza and freeze it for me so I can have it when I get home. She better remember!

3. Most high school teachers really just want to be back in high school. When it became known that I was skipping a year I was pulled aside by several teachers in order to talk me out of the grave mistake I was making. An intervention of sorts. I literally had one say that they were the best years of his life and he'd give anything to go back. This man had been to college, he was married, and he had 2 little babies....and he said he wanted to go back to high school? Sorry Mr. Onze, but please don't project your shit on me.

2. You are smarter than most teachers. I once wrote an awesome paper on gangs for my senior thesis. It was epic. In fact, my english teacher loved it, he loved it so much he thought I cheated and that my parents wrote it for me. He docked me a letter a grade. Now I am going to school for writing and I know that he was just a prick who didn't know shit. Can you say, peanut butter and jealous Mr. Strauss?

1. None of it matters. I mean sure, do your work, but just so you can get into a college. But none of it actually matters. I talk to about 5 kids from high school and no one will ever again look at my high school transcript or my SATs.

Leaving on a jet plane...

Ugh I hate flying. I especially hate flying on more than one plane in the same day. This seems a little too much like tempting fate to me, I don't play Russian Roulette and I don't like flying. So since I'm about to take off, I have settled into my preflight routine.

10. I listen to John Denver the week before I fly. John Denver wrote a song called Leaving on a Jet plane and then died in a plane crash. That is pretty ironic, it'd be even more ironic if I died on a plane while listening to Leaving on a Jet Plane. I feel like this increase in irony increases my chance of survival.

9. I google my plane. I google the model of my plane and it's crash history. This is a bad idea because it always makes me have a panic attack but I do it anyway because I like to know what I'm getting myself into.

8. I watch Final Destination. I like to watch the opening scene in Final Destination just to remind myself how not fun it would be if the plane were to crash. It also allows me to familiarize myself with the typical signs of a plane crash so I will be better prepared if I do find myself in such a situation.

7. I give my sister my facebook password. I don't want to be one of those people who die and then everyone writes on their wall. That really spooks me. She has strict instructions to delete my facebook in the event of my untimely demise.

6. I say goodbye to everyone in my inner circle. If I don't, then god will punish me for being a selfish bitch by killing me in a plane crash. We have to remember that I am very self-involved and actually believe God would kill an entire plane of people just to get at me because I didn't tell mom and dad I love them one last time. I should probably stop watching made for TV movies.

5. I find all my lucky jewelry and wear it all. No evil can get me if I'm wearing my lucky cuff.

4. I google recent plane crashes. Remember the year where everyone got kidnapped, and then the next year like everyone got attacked by a shark? Well I have to make sure that this isn't the year that everyone dies in a plane crash.

3. I get my will in order. I don't actually have a will yet because I don't really own anything of value but I do tell people what they are allowed to take and what they better bury with me. Erin, you can have my pokemon poster, it's practically vintage by now. John and John, you can have my room until the random stranger from craiglist moves in.

2. When I'm waiting to get on the plane I scan my fellow travelers to make sure they are not a motely crew. If they look like gypsies, tramps, and thieves then I figure I am pretty much doomed and I start praying to that Catholic god I have been ignoring for the last decade.

1. And finally, I imagine all the terrorist scenarios that could possibly happen. Then I convince myself that in a similar situation I would totally be able to take the guy out, like the little Dutch guy who stopped the Christmas day bomber. I mean, I do have a pretty good right hook.

So if my plane does crash on Friday, this will serve as a very creepy reminder that irony does not save lives

.

Just for the record....

I'm well aware that my travel blog has become a blog about me talking about myself....and just like Narcissus before me, I'm going to go drown into my own reflection

Pets

Every pet I've ever had....

The first pet we got was a cat named Fluffy. We got Fluffy when I was just 2, after Lenny, I mean my sister, killed the first kitten by hugging it's neck. Fluffy was such a bitch and I was terrified of her. I used to cry if she was on the end of bed for fear that she would bite me in the middle of the night. She lived to be 17 against all odds. By this point she was blind and deaf, she didn't even hear the garage door coming down as it crushed her internal organs. Sad.

The second pet we got was named George. He was a bald sheep dog who humped everything and everyone. We got rid of him after a week because he kept knocking me down and humping my mother.

Then there was Chocolate. Chocolate was a brown boxer who would run around the house, fall, and fart. He died because we left him outside on a chain and he was strangled to death.

Next there was Ebony. Ebony was the best. She was the Lassie of Rolling Meadow Way and would steal bread from Pizzeria Uno and leave it on our porch. She died when I was 12 and I cried more than when my grandparents died.

After we had established the dog and cat thing, we moved on to smaller shittier pets. That's when we got hermit crabs. They smelled like shit and did nothing amusing. I named one after me because she could climb out of a basket and I thought that was cool. Then they all walked on each other and died.

Next were lizards, Nickles and Luigi. We had to wear gloves to play with them and we were pissed that they didn't change colors. One morning we woke up and Luigi had murdered Nickles. Dick.

Then came the mice. I went to a trailer park to buy these mice and then named them after Blue's Clues characters. My parents were probably pretty concerned. They ran around my room, we'd make them some mazes, and then they would shit all over everything. My Dad hated them with a passion and was very happy when Magenta killed Blue after only a few months.

Oh the birds, the birds were next. Paste and Skylar. They were the absolute worst. They wouldn't sing, they wouldn't talk, and they wouldn't let us touch them. They just flew into walls and screeched. One morning during Pokemon, my mom called me upstairs because Sky had killed Paste, she had just stabbed poor paste straight through the heart. Kind of a bitchy move.

Then there is Riley, my white boxer princess. We take naps together and make out. I love her.

Topanga

Topanga, Topanga, Topanga.

I was recently reading an article about the 90's and in it they claimed that Topanga and Corey had the best relationship ever. If you don't know who Topanga and Corey are then just stop reading right now because this blog won't make any sense to you.

Ok so the famous relationship between Topanga and Corey, the relationship that was supposed to be what all kids who grew up in the 90's aspired to attain. Solid as a rock. They had so much fun and got married while they were still in College, I mean what could be better.

Well for starters, Corey cheated on Topanga twice. TWICE. I mean sure, that seems insignificant over the course of 10 seasons, but that is still enough to count. Especially since Topanga was way hotter than Corey, I mean what was he thinking? But fairplay, one of those girls was Lindsay Weir, credit where credit's due.

Ok here's another thing. At the end of the series Corey goes on and on about him and Topango have been dating since they were on the playground. Not true, Corey used to be a dick to her, see seasons 1 and 2. Fuck you Corey, you damn bully.

Not to mention the fact that they got married IN college. IN college. You know what I was doing in college? neither do I because I was binge drinking with my friends and not thinking about marriage.

Topanga also gave up going to Duke to be with loser Corey because he only got into a state school. Corey was dumber than her, she should have owned that, gone away to school, met a med. student and pursued these greener, richer, more intellectually compatible pastures.

I'm about to sound shallow but Topanga also got fat after they said I Do. I mean, she was only 20, what will she look like after the baby?

Totally dysfunctional. I mean they were the lame, boring, suburban version of Sid and Nancy.

You want a good 90's TV relationship to look up to? Buffy and Angel...hardcore all the way.

X-Factor

Last night was the X-factor finale here in the UK.

It must be noted that I HATE HATE HATE American Idol, I think the show absolutely sucks. I mean call me crazy, but I lost some faith in the American public when one year the two finalists were Ruben Studdard, and Clay Aiken. It also didn't help that the edgiest contestant to be on the show was Adam Lambert. Oh my Gawd, the boy wore eyeliner, are we ready for such wackiness?! Please, Jared Leto has been doing that shit for years.

So what is it about the X-factor that is so addicting?

1. The acts are better. Cher Lloyd? amazing, Matt Cardle? hot, Rebecca Ferguson? Oh my lord. The Brits, collectively, have better taste then we do and they are willing to experiment. I mean I love country music as much as the next girl, but damn the entire show is actually just a string of southern whiners. As soon as you get boring you die, so I'm not sure why this show is still on.

Ed. Note: If you don't know who Cher Lloyd is yet, check her out on youtube. She is amazing, Jay-Z and Will.I.Am are already trying to sign her stateside.

2. The judges are better. Yes, Simon is the common thread and he is great, but I don't give a shit about Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, or wait who is even judging it anymore? The point is Cheryl Cole is gorgeous and nice, so is Danni Monogue, and Louis Walsh is just adorable. I want to have coffee with them I love them all so much.

3. The song choices are better. I mean really, Diva Fever did a cover of Duck Sauce, could it get any better?

4. There is no age limit. Two of the best acts this season were Wagner and Mary Byrne. American Idol is pure ageism and I don't have any patience for such prejudice.

5. It's on Saturday night. Friday is the new Saturday which means everyone is hung over on Saturday which is now the new Sunday. Best show ever when you're hung over.

P.S. Matt Cardle won...the show and my heart

Pure cheese

Sometime's being cool and hipster-esq is exhausting. You have to read a ton of blogs, books, keep up to date on music, make sure you look the part, and drink beer. And while it can be fun, and going to hip bars can be a blast, sometimes you just need an absolutely cheesy throw-back night. Luckily for me, my friend Nikki is totally down, so this past saturday we had the cheesiest, lamest, best night out. So how to be cheesy? It's super easy once you let your pride go.

10. Glitter. Glitter is essential to a lame night. The goal is to look like a jersey shore cast member and cover your face in as much makeup as humanly possible. You want to look like a drag queen in the beginning, and a crack whore by the time you get home. Hipsters aren't supposed to wear makeup so it really is a nice change of pace.

9. Drink selection is also important. When you're being cool, it's strictly beer or whiskey. When you are just having a cheese-tastic evening you can be damn straight it's going to be tequila shots and sex and the city-esq cocktails. Sugar is just as important as glitter. You will want to kill yourself in the morning, but at the time it'll be worth it.

8. Don't be a dance snob. When you are having a lame night, you can't be a snob about anything or anyone. Go out on the floor and pull your best 8th grade dance moves, then dance with anyone and everyone. Go crazy and do the sprinkler, just do it.

7. What to wear? I call it dressing like a Jessica. Wear something you wouldn't normally wear. Dress a little trashy. My inspiration is usually Jwwow, girl's a legend.

6. If your a girl, make sure you have as many people as possible to buy you drinks. You can even turn it into a fun game. And if you're really good, have people buy you food at the end of the night. It's all about free stuff.

5. Whatever you do, don't sit down. Never, ever, sit down when you are having a crazy night. You aren't there to have a conversation or to relax with a drink or two. You are there to get hammered and dance to Lady Gaga. Don't ever forget why you came.

4. The worst thing in the world is when you go out with some girls and one girl gets bummed out if she doesn't meet her future husband. Don't be like that because you will never find love in a club and you will never have a connection if techno is playing. Guys go to clubs to meet girls, girls should go to clubs to act like an asshole and dance around.

3. Make up a fake name and a fake persona. When I'm in party mode I never tell anyone my real name. It's part of the game. Just be crazy and lie. It's super fun.

2. Take pictures. You know when you first go to university and you get super drunk, take a million pictures and then put them up on facebook the next day? Still do that. They are hilarious and at least you will have something to laugh about the next day when your brain is melting and your body is punishing you.

1. Don't actually bring anyone back home. As soon as you leave the club, go back to normal. Bringing home that weird persian guy will only result in herpes and an awkward hung-over morning. Besides, just because you look like a slag, doesn't mean you have to be one.

Roll over

So my parents are in their 60's, which means they are pretty much retired which means they have a tremendous amount of time on their hands. As with all Dennison's, my parents don't do clubs, don't particularly like new people, and they certainly don't like cruises or other retired persons crap. This only exaggerates the amount of time they have to fill their days.

After my sister and I flew the coop, my parents had even more time and so they got a dog to fill the void. She is a white boxer named Riley. As with all boxers, the girl is a fucking nutjob. She constantly needs attention, she is totally spoiled, she eats everything, and she gives fabulous hugs. She is the star of the family and we all make sure she knows it. She even goes on play dates and has now laid claim to my old bed. Anyway, my parents love her like a child and spend large portions of their time thinking about her, talking about her, and caring for her.

I was skyping with said parents yesterday and as per usual they were talking about my second sister Riley. She has been very difficult lately with the snow and all so they gave her my old stuffed dog, a life sized St. Bernard, hoping that she'd befriend the dog and calm down a little bit. Unfortunately, since Riley isn't a Chinese panda, she knows when things are real and when they are not and subsequently ignored the toy. She might be crazy and difficult, but the bitch isn't dumb.

Having lost the battle but not the war, the Dennison's took it to another level. They dedicated even more time in order to convince little Riley that my old toy was in fact real. Feeding the stuffed dog cheese, talking to the stuffed dog, petting the stuffed dog, letting the stuffed dog sit on the couch (something Riley isn't even allowed to do)....ect. ect. They spent more time caring for a stuffed animal then they have for Riley. Annoyed that Riley wasn't believing them they wanted her to become jealous of the dog, I think they even gave it a name. Not so sure if dogs can get jealous, but anyway I digress...

They tried everything to convince Riley that this dog was a the newly chosen one. Since Riley is a passive-aggressive asshole, she dragged the stuffed dog that is bigger than her and left it in front of my parents bedroom door in the middle of the night as an act of protest. Sadly, my poor parents don't know what to do anymore because Riley is now ignoring them, and so is the fake dog.

On to a shallower note

Alright enough politics, it's time to discuss my new favorite website again, brobible.com. This week on Brobible, a Mr. AckLAXbro, published a post called "The 10 biggest Chick magnets." He actually writes,

"If a girl sees you out with your lax wand, she knows you’re a Bro. Throw in some mid-calves and a pinnie, and you’re good to go. Lacrosse players also have reputations for having great parties around college campuses, so she’ll definitely want to be involved in some of your parties, too....If a girl knows you’re in a frat, she knows you have connections to get her into the good frat parties. Get her a few drinks and she’ll be swooning all over you all night. Simple as that."

Now, call me a loon, but when I see a Lax stick, I think they got cut from the football team and when I see frat letters I think they are probably really into sodomy and blaming homosexual encounters on being "so drunk bro," but I'm a pessimist so that could just be me. So using this article as inspiration, I will now write "The 10 biggest dick (as in jerk) magnets"

10. You know in the movie Clueless when Cher says, "sometimes you have to show some skin, this reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex." So true, so if you want boys to like you, show a lot of skin. They love this and then they will totally let you have sex with them.

9. Don't swear. Swearing is something that only belongs to boys. It's not attractive when girls use four letter words, we have no business dropping words like "fuck, cunt, shit, twat," These are big boy words.

8. Drink a lot. Boys like when you are passed out, it makes it easier for them to date rape you. If you drink enough, they won't even have to waste their roofies on you and this is a major bonus.

7. Don't drink. Ok yea this might be the exact opposite as the entry above, but boys also think it's really gross when girls drink too much. Then they can't take you home to mom and they will never love you, because drinking is a guy thing.

6. According to another brobible entry, boys will never want to hang out with you during daylight hours, which is fine. While they are busy hanging out with their buddies, you should spend these precious daylight hours working out, eating healthy, and doing your hair and makeup, that way by the time the boy is ready for you, you'll look perfect.

5. Dating girls is expensive, and boys don't really like that so do your best to have lot of money, but like it can't be your money, if it's your father's money, that's ideal. Then the boy won't feel threatened by your money making ability, which can be emasculating, but he also won't have to pay. Best of both worlds.

4. Boys don't want to talk about your friends, your job, your school. They also don't want you talking about sports, politics, economics, literature. These are topics for boys. Safe conversation topics are puppies, kittens and how handsome your man is.

3. I actually learned this from Cosmo, no seriously, girls shouldn't joke. Joking is a boy thing. I mean I suppose you could say a very politically correct, silly joke, but nothing too heavy, or else the boy will think you're trying to be his buddy, and he already has buddies. Besides, girls aren't funny.

2. Don't try to befriend his friends, thats weird. Just be pretty around his friends. Oh but don't worry, you can cook for them too.

1. I can't get too explicit because my parents read this site but....be self-less, it's all about him and if he's not happy you didn't do your job.

I fought the law...

Well not me specifically. If you have been watching the news at all, here in the UK or in the states, you will have heard about the student protests going on here in London. Long story short the government has decided to triple university tuition.

This tuition hike has caused quite the commotion. Since I am technically a student, and seminar was cancelled, I went down to the city center last night to join in on the protests. It was very intense. There were riot police everywhere, they chased everyone around, firecrackers kept going off, chants, horses, people just smashed shit, and then they tried to burn down the tree in Trafalgar Square. There was even a helicopter involved and some protesters scared the shit out of Prince Charles and his lady. It was one of the cooler experiences of my life. You couldn't help but enjoy running from the police and fighting the power. I think I even began cheering when they started burning down the Christmas tree, and I LOVE Christmas.

Reuters

Now, last fall the government of New York voted to increase tuition for all SUNY schools as well as make huge cuts. There was a protest organized on campus for the students to voice their frustrations and fight the man. There was literally a band, a snow cone machine, a popcorn machine, and I think about 20 people showed up. So I have to ask, What the hell is wrong with us? We are a nation built on protests and government hatred and now we won't show up for anything unless there is free food involved. Have we become so entranced by MTV and Twilight that we have forgotten that we control the government? That the government works for us? Most of my friends barely vote. Whether or not you agree with the Tea party's politics is irrelevant, we should all take a page out of their book, and then we should take control of the power the constitution has granted us.

Just like the women who took back the night, we should take back our power.

How to be a good boyfriend

Store Opening

Even though most of my "readers" are either in Rochester, London, or Russia (yea, I'm doing pretty well in Russia) if you happen to be in Los Angeles tomorrow night check out my sister's store opening. She's cooler than you and so is her store.

Americana @ Brand

167 Caruso St

Glendale, CA

check out the event info:

Come join and celebrate with us while SHAKE THE HAND Presents...

STATION LAUNCH PARTY
Americana @ Brand

FRIDAY EVENING, DECEMBER 10TH
7pm-12am


--3 SHAPE MEDIA will release the world premier of The Station's Video Lookbook & will provide Event Videography--


- - Nail Art by KLEUR - http://www.facebook.com/kleur.me--


- - Art by Paulene Aguirre, Jawny, Andre Power, & more TBA--


--DJ of the evening - Ricardo Carlos(STH)--


--Open Bar--


Designers Featured in Station.
Apparel:
Pronounced Love
Love Basics
Loire Vasel
Groceries
Love Nail Tree
LAEKEN
Howl
Beyond Say
LNA
LADD
Kent Denim
Square One
Hard Couture

Vintage from:
CAVOI
Around the City Vintage


Accessories:
The Ampal Creative
Bones and Feathers Collective
B.Lo
Dear Raymer
Magnolia
Robert Anthony Designs
Han Cholo



**This event is a Shake The Hand production, for entry rsvp at rsvp@shakethehand.com*

This...

This was the song that my Dad used to sing to us when we were little. It's pretty fucked up. My psychologist will probably hear about it during my upcoming mid-30's crisis.

Red and Yellow, Blue and Green
Prettiest thing I'd ever seen
You know it's Red and Yellow, Blue and Green
Lord this world treat a little child mean.

Goin' a home from school today
I met a nice man on my way
He gave me a prism, shiny and clean
Prettiest thing I ever seen.

You know it's
(refrain)

Daddy left my mama but I won't cry
Hold my prism to my eye
Hold it there, night and day
Hold it 'til the hurt goes away

Because it's
(refrain)

Heard yesterday my daddy was dead
Cried until my little heart bled
That was bad, but then today
Policemen come and take my mama away.

But I got
(refrain)

Police got a padlock on our door
I can't go home anymore
I'd go back, but if I do
The man that got my mama gonna get me too

So I keep
Red and Yellow, Blue and Green
Prettiest thing I ever seen
You know it's Red and Yellow, Blue and Green
Lord this world treat a little child...
Red and Yellow, Red and Yellow,
Pretty Thing, Pretty...
Pretty...

10 things I learned from working at a peace organization....

I got my BA in international studies and I was slated to attend Kings College for peacekeeping this fall. That was before I went to Romania and worked at a peace organization. I learned a lot during that 5 month period, but mainly I learned that I didn't want to work at a peace organization again and heres why:

10. You shouldn't hug german people. We worked with one german guy who was very sweet and friendly, he barely even had an accent. This led us to believe that he was American in nature. When he left the the institution, Ellie and I leaned in for what was the most awkward hug in our lives. It was one of the hugs were the other person is trying to back away and doesn't know where to put his hands and everyone gets really quiet afterward. That is the last german I will ever try to hug, apparently even the peace loving European is big on personal boundaries and not on hugs.

9. Ghandi is the Kurt Cobain of the peace-making world. I'm not big on idol worship and I've never had posters of rockstars in my room. I like most of my friends and my family and I Kowtow to no one. Unfortunately, peace workers looooooove Ghandi. There are posters of him everywhere, quotes of his on everything, and countless books. Every conversation comes back to Ghandi, every strategy comes back to Ghandi, EVERYTHING comes back to Ghandi. I've watched the movie, I'm done the book report, he was for sure a stand up guy who did a lot of good, not so sure I want to hang his poster above my bed though.

8. One becomes better at Majong with practice. Sensing my warmonging nature, I didn't do much work at the peace institution which means for 5 hours a day, 3 days a week, I would play majong online. I got really good at it. I even made it all the way to the advanced level!!! Something I was never able to do prior to this experience.

7. There's no money in peace work. I'm not really sure why I thought there would be money involved, but I really did. I mean not a crazy amount of dollar bills, but at least enough to live off of. Everyone at the institution was basically a volunteer, a volunteer that worked 40 hours a week for free. I do want world peace, it'd be fabulous, but what I really want is my own apartment and my student loan to be paid off. Sorry conflict in Northern Ireland, but my first priority is my bank account.

6. You can't get in trouble. Peace workers can't really yell at you. Sure they can get mad at you, but they are passive aggressive by nature, which means that if I fucked up, they would just sit and stew in their anger and I would continue to play majong. The problem is, when I mess up, if I'm being an asshole, or if I head out early I need someone to push back. I realized I could get away with murder and so that's what I did.

5. Peace workers don't party. One night we were invited out to a bar to party with our coworkers. Since the party was at a bar, at 11PM, on a Friday we figured we'd pregame for it. So Ellie and I went to a cafe and had 3 beers. By the time we got to the bar we were wasted. Ready to party, we saw our coworkers sitting in the corner, drinking soda. Being the youngest and drunkest taught me a valuable lesson, serious people don't appreciate a good buzz. And without a good buzz, I just can't relate to my passive-aggressive coworkers.

4. Other things serious people don't appreciate are politically incorrect humor, celebrity gossip, any reference to Sarah Palin, or dead baby jokes. That is an oppressive work environment if you ask me. Without some light banter I just can't focus properly on my majong game. While I know and care about the starving children across the globe, talking about them 24/7 can really be a huge bummer, and being bummed out is counterproductive.

3. Peace workers are too big on kindness. You know those long, drawn-out middle school assemblies where EVERYONE gets a trophy? Well at peace institutions you have to send everyone "thank you" emails. In fact, in any given day our coworkers, who all worked in the same room, would send at least a dozen emails to each other, most of them as pointless as "thank you." If you want to teach the world to sing, cut the bullshit and run it like a business.

2. Peace workers are naturally suspicious of Americans. Our boss would constantly make snide comments about American, how we spent our money, how many people we killed, how we hate puppies, and how Al Qaeda made a few good points. The first time it was ok, the second time it was annoying, but by the 837492387 millionth time I was actually angry. Conflict anywhere else is a tragedy, but when it's in America we probably deserved it. When you tried to argue with him he would sweetly smile, nod, and stare you down. He was Dolores Umbridge.

1. You can solve every conflict of the world, not by creating economic stability or investing, but through the use of flow charts. You want to know how stop the Israel-Palestinian conflict? the conflict in Northern Ireland? Afghanistan? Well, go to any peace institution and they have a flow chart that will explain it. They're even colored coded: go to conflict zone -> bring a snack that both sides love -> get them drunk/high -> hug it out. Problem solved.