Road Trip

Road trips. Everyone loves the romance of the open road, not knowing where you're going or when you'll get there, but who cares because this is what freedom feels like. Anyone who spouts this shit off to you has obviously never driven across country or to Florida, and if they did, they must have had plenty of time/money/alcohol/friends. If you're simply driving from point A to point B the trip can be pretty grueling.

Prior to 9/11 my family was on a plane maybe twice, and after 9/11 it was another 7 years before I stepped on a plane again. This is partly due to the fact that its expensive, and partly because my Dad is obsessed with the novelty of driving long distances. On the road is where he does his "thinking" and has his alone time. So what does this mean for my family? It means we used to fucking drive a lot. I turned pro at road trips by the age of 12 and here is what I have learned...

1. You need to have snacks. Lots and lots of snacks. Salty, sweet, healthy, whatever. You better have an enormous assortment along with a ton of diet coke. You're going to be in a car for 12 hours, might as well be in a sugar coma.

2. Plan on getting lost. When i was little I used to get very worried every time my parents got us lost. Now I expect it and even enjoy it. If I'm in a car, we will get lost, especially if we are using a Tomtom, or onstar.

3. Choose your rest stops carefully. I have learned that Long John Silvers will make everyone sick, taking your family to hooters will make everyone feel uncomfortable, and you will very often mind that shady diners in North Carolina have dirty silverware. Wendy's is always a safe bet.

4. You never want to be the one with the weak bladder. I once read an article that said the average human has the ability to pee every 7 minutes. This apparently had an enormous impact on me and I am now convinced that I HAVE to pee every 7 minutes. That being said, I cut my liquid intake while driving down to barely nothing. Who wants to be the weak one?

5. Games and magazines are pointless. I always pretend that I will read a book whenever I begin a road trip, no way no how. It gets boring after about 10 minutes and/or you get car sick. You're better off bringing your ipod.

6. When you're with friends, the CD selection is crucial, i.e. you can bet your bottom dollar that Britney Spears will be in the rotation. These songs are fun, and everyone knows the words. Besides you'll have sick bonding scene like in CrossRoads. No one wants to listen to your cool Sonic Youth album when you're road trippin'. It's probably the only time that listening to Smash Mouth will be socially acceptable.

7. Going to sleep. If it's just you and one friend you better not fall asleep, it's rude, especially if you're the one driving. If you're in a big group then take turns. There is nothing more depressing than driving while your 7 besties are passed out snoring.

8. If your nerves start rubbing than stop at some tacky roadside attraction. It'll make for a great facebook album cover.

9. If you can, stay at a hotel overnight, the seedier the better. Sororities in Cortland stay in gross hotels for one night each term because the grossness helps them bond or something. For years you and your crew can talk about the deformed check-in guy, the broken bed, and the stained sheets. It'll become a funny memory from the good ol' days when you were wild and crazy and decided to take a road trip.

10. When you get to your final destination, cheer really loudly like you just survived the Oregon Trail. It'll make it seem like a true occasion.