5. When I was in daycare, thanks mom and dad, I had a really tight group of friends. We always played together and just had a blast. But despite the coolness of some, there were also some weirdos that walked among us. One that was notoriously weird was a little blond boy whose name escapes me at present. Everyone knew he was a wacko, so we just ignored his existence. One day we were playing doctor, no not the pervy kind of doctor, and just as my friend was about to cut me open with a fake saw, the weirdo blond kid ran up and bit my stomach. He actually bit my belly button to the point that it bled, and then ran away. I was not a seasoned veteran at life, but even through my veil of ignorance i knew that shit was weird. As with any victim, I first was angry, then humiliated, then I blamed myself. I think this contributed to my current personal space issues.
4. When I was in third grade I missed a day of school due to illness. The following day when I returned, I learned that I had missed computer lab. Now considering computer lab was a fucking joke, I was confused when my teacher told me I had to go make up the class. Apparently we learned how to use a program called "Type to learn," and without knowing how to use it, I'd never be able to make it as a secretary. So off I went. But I didn't actually go. I didn't want to walk in by myself, so instead I walked around Victor Primary school for an entire hour. If I had been smarter I probably would have just hidden in the bathroom, but alas I was young and stupid so I did laps instead. I was sweaty and nervous the entire time, like an escaped fugitive on the run. I remember passing the same teacher at least 3 times, but she either didn't notice or she was just not a snitch. I was a wreck, the whole hour, fearing the worse, a trip to the principal and a mark on my permanent record. Finally, just when the stress was about to reach it's peak, I returned to class with my teach none the wiser. FYI I still mastered Type to learn.
3. When I was in high school I worked at a yogurt stand. Everyday this beautiful boy who worked at Burger king would come up and order a Blueberry breeze smoothie. He looked like Harry Potter if Harry Potter smoked a lot of pot and listened to OAR. He was perfect and I was in loooove. I was so in love that I told everyone about it, including my 55 year old boss, cause when you're in true love, you just want everyone to know! One weekend Burger King boy came up with his family to order his usual smoothie. I was nervous and stuttering as usual, but like a true professional I took the order and went to work. While I was busy blending, my loony boss approached my love and gave him my number and a coupon for $2.00 a smoothie in front of his parents. To seal the deal, he then pointed to me and began to dance. I was so embarrassed I discreetly dropped to the floor as my boss continued to dance around the store. Needless to say he didn't call and I still don't think I've fully recovered.
2. In Middle school we would play capture the flag in my neighbor's yard. It was like a neighborhood event, at least 10 kids every time. It would get pretty intense too, none of this touch shit, it was a full on tackling, take no prisoners sort of thing. Well anyway, our neighborhood was built before my town's the sewer system was updated, which means everyone has a septic tank, and sometimes these septic tanks leak or overflow. Sometimes they leak or overflow even when you are playing capture the flag. It was 20 minutes into the game and I was on enemy territory, the front yard, searching for the frisbee flag when my opponent caught a glimpse of me and chased me around the yard. I put up a good fight but it was no use and I was tackled into the mud. Except it wasn't actually mud...I'll let that one sink in for you.
1. When I was in college I would walk to class. It was February which mean the entire campus was covered in snow. My first class was at 8am, which meant none of the roads or sidewalks had been salted yet. My worst nightmare was about to come true. I left my dorm and began to walk all the way up the hill, no one was awake yet besides the one boy who followed about 20 feet behind me. I knew it was only a matter of time before it all came crashing down, yes the first fall on the ice was just behind the gym. I looked back, the guy looked at me but he didn't run to help me or laugh. Bruised, but not broken, I got up and began to walk again, just in time to slip for the second time. I looked back again, the guy saw, but still didn't react. I picked myself up once more and 2 minutes later fell for the thrice time. Still no reaction from my follower. I actually started to think that maybe I was a ghost or something. So here's a tip to anyone and everyone: if you see someone fall, you have to do one of two things...laugh about it, or go and help.
There are way too many more, but you'll have to buy my book when I become the next David Sedaris to hear about them
Oh how I miss our time at Freshens!
ReplyDeleteIt was the weirdest, best job ever!
ReplyDelete