Can I join a cult?

Last summer my neighbor went to a Christian camp. Oops sorry, a born again Christian camp, yes there is a huge difference. The counselors told my little neighbor that the apocalypse was coming and that unless she accepted Jesus into her heart she would fall into the fiery depths of hell, like the rest of her misguided friends and family. She totally bought it and came back to Rochester with glazed over eyes and a holier-than-thou attitude. It took months to de-brainwash her and convince her that if the apocalypse does come, the Catholics, not the born agains, would be the only survivors, duh! Talk about a bummer.

Anyway, despite my concern, I have to say that I was pretty jealous. No one has ever tried to recruit me into a cult. I have tried to walk around looking doe-eyed and naive. It's not like I've been trying to get recruited into the Masons, just an ordinary "drink the kool-aid kind" of cult.

For awhile I thought maybe I could try and start my own cult. If no one would invite me, why not make my own? I thought about it, but then I realized that it wouldn't truly fulfill me. I wanted to BE brainwashed, I didn't want to brainwash others.

So here is my cult wish list. I'll be waiting impatiently for an invite...

10. Church of Bible Understanding. This cult was started by a vacuum repairman! That sounds very exciting. They even have a mission in Haiti. I was hoping for an invite but I think my chances are pretty slim due to their main recruitment technique, which is targeting children 11-13. Damn, missed the mark!!

9. The Manson Family. Charles Manson was a total psychopath but he was also apparently very charming, because well, only charming people can lead cults. He raped and killed a bunch of people but his followers did most of his dirty work. I'm not too into blood so this probably wouldn't be the cult for me, oh and also most of the members got arrested and are in jail. I guess that means that there are at least a few vacancies.

8. Scientology. This cult is a little too easy for me to get in. All you have to do is write a check or be a gay, male, celebrity. I'd have to say that this is my last resort. If no one tries to recruit me by, lets say 27, then I'll turn to scientology. Wait, does that mean I can't take xanex when I fly?

7. Hare Krishnas. This cult was a pretty big deal with idealistic hippies back in the 70's and that doesn't really appeal to me. I like my cult's to be a little darker and a little less tambourine. I'm also more interested in a cult that is on it's way up, not one that is so 30 years ago. Oh well, I guess beggars can't really be choosers.

6. Children of God. This cult is beyond disturbing because they believed in having sex with children. I think that's why River Phoenix overdosed and Rose McGowan is such a looney-toon. This cult also turned female members into prostitutes in order to recruit new members and called it "flirty fishing" (to be fair, alliterations get you a long way with me). Word play aside, I'm thinking this is not the cult for me so I'm just going to avoid prostitutes from now on.

5. Heavens Gate. Yes! This is my favorite cult of all time. Anyway this cult had a very cool logo and believed that the Hale-Bopp comet was coming to take them away. In order to get on the comet they all killed themselves in a house in San Diego. They all wore matching sneakers too which takes it to a whole other level. I'd love to get into this cult except they pretty much all died. Ohhh what's that? I think I hear a comeback!!

4. Solar Temple. Yet another dooms day cult. This cult believed the apocalypse was also coming and that suicide was the only option. Very similar to Heaven's Gate, except they killed themselves in Switzerland which I think puts them ahead of Heaven's Gate in the rankings. Fun Fact: the leader Luc Joret was a Gestapo Officer during WWII and died with 93 million dollars in the bank!

3. Branch Davidians. This cult is precious because it included a charismatic leader, the stockpiling of weapons, and then deadly fire. 76 people died and this time it had nothing to do with mass suicide. No one is really sure if it was the government or the cult's fault and no one ever will. What happens in Waco, stays in Waco.

2. The People's Temple. Oh well this one is equally adorable because it is the cult that actually involved poisonous Kool-aid and proves that socialist doctrine is literally suicidal! In fact, after facing charges from the United States followers of People's Temple fled to Guyana. Convinced that the U.S. government was hot on their heels, 909 members drank kool-aid and killed themselves. I guess I won't get into this one either, only the good die young.

1. The Duggar family. I want long permed hair, I want to wear long jean skirts, and I want my name to start with "J." I mean, Michelle can't actually give birth to me but maybe I can just line up with them and they'll never know. Yes, I would give up the internet for them.

I think my chances of being recruited by any of these cults is slim to none which is incredibly frustrating. All the good cults happened before my time and now all we're left with is Scientology and Born Again Christians. If only I was born 10 years earlier!!!