Blue Valentine

I absolutely hate movie reviews because they talk about stuff nobody cares about like lighting and acting. I also hate them because reviewers never agree with me, what do you mean Raise Your Voice wasn't worthy of an Oscar Nom? Anyway they are horrible. That being said I just watched Blue Valentine and I really need to talk about it so here I am...

So basically it's like a dramatic version of 500 days of summer. Hipster boy meets hipster girl, they have quirky inside jokes, a dog dies, half an abortion occurs, lots of fighting, and tears. The movie actually made me cry three times (almost as much as Marley and Me) and made me decide to focus way more on my career and way less on that elusive Prince Charming, which Gosling points out doesn't exist. I watched it after reading about it on Thought Catalog where one writer claims he knows three couples who called it quits after the movie. Long story short it was incredibly depressing.

So why is it so depressing:

10. A dog dies...immediate tears. It was just there, on the side of the road, DEAD.

9. Ryan Gosling goes bald, starts smoking, and drinking. In the bits of film that take place in the past he is a total stud. He's tough, ripped, sweet and witty. 8 years after that he is a total loser that you could see in any sports bar in upstate New York. Total dream crusher. I guess nothing gold can stay.

8. The good looking jock is a dickhead who also becomes ugly. Michelle Williams is officially out of options by the time her character hits 30. This gives us all something to look forward to.

7. They move from Brooklyn to Pennsylvania. Some people may not cringe over this but my biggest fear in the entire world is that I will end up in Pennsylvania. It actually made me cry.

6. Old man Walter, the WWII decorated veteran, dies. What can I say, I'm American I have a soft spot for Vets. Especially ones who are that adorable. It was worse than when the dog died.

5. Michelle Williams has really nice hipster hair in the beginning then gives it all up for a banana clip and bad roots. You're a nurse love, you make decent money, get your hair did.

4. There is an abortion scene, talk about a buzz kill. Just don't tell Justin Beiber.

3. Michelle Williams goes from kooky to hot mess in less than a decade. Telling jokes about pedophiles is hilarious, wheeling around in a wheelchair all day is wacky, taking care of your dying grandmother is lovely but then, 8 years later being a total nag and asking someone to hit you is a total bummer.

2. Pretty much everyone else dies except for William's character's asshole father, and even he is dying by the end. To be fair, it never says they die they just aren't there anymore. Oh right, and Michelle's Mom says she was never in love and eluded to the fact that it doesn't exist. Just in case you didn't get that from the entire plot.

1. Gosling walks away from his crying little girl in the end. In five years time she will be passed around the football team like the village bicycle. Girl's with daddy issues break my heart.

So basically if you want to feel like there is absolutely no point, that you'll never be happy and that nuclear families are a myth then watch Blue Valentine, if you don't want to end your life then pop in When Harry Met Sally, god that Meg Ryan is just as cute as a button.