10. You shouldn't hug german people. We worked with one german guy who was very sweet and friendly, he barely even had an accent. This led us to believe that he was American in nature. When he left the the institution, Ellie and I leaned in for what was the most awkward hug in our lives. It was one of the hugs were the other person is trying to back away and doesn't know where to put his hands and everyone gets really quiet afterward. That is the last german I will ever try to hug, apparently even the peace loving European is big on personal boundaries and not on hugs.
9. Ghandi is the Kurt Cobain of the peace-making world. I'm not big on idol worship and I've never had posters of rockstars in my room. I like most of my friends and my family and I Kowtow to no one. Unfortunately, peace workers looooooove Ghandi. There are posters of him everywhere, quotes of his on everything, and countless books. Every conversation comes back to Ghandi, every strategy comes back to Ghandi, EVERYTHING comes back to Ghandi. I've watched the movie, I'm done the book report, he was for sure a stand up guy who did a lot of good, not so sure I want to hang his poster above my bed though.
8. One becomes better at Majong with practice. Sensing my warmonging nature, I didn't do much work at the peace institution which means for 5 hours a day, 3 days a week, I would play majong online. I got really good at it. I even made it all the way to the advanced level!!! Something I was never able to do prior to this experience.
7. There's no money in peace work. I'm not really sure why I thought there would be money involved, but I really did. I mean not a crazy amount of dollar bills, but at least enough to live off of. Everyone at the institution was basically a volunteer, a volunteer that worked 40 hours a week for free. I do want world peace, it'd be fabulous, but what I really want is my own apartment and my student loan to be paid off. Sorry conflict in Northern Ireland, but my first priority is my bank account.
6. You can't get in trouble. Peace workers can't really yell at you. Sure they can get mad at you, but they are passive aggressive by nature, which means that if I fucked up, they would just sit and stew in their anger and I would continue to play majong. The problem is, when I mess up, if I'm being an asshole, or if I head out early I need someone to push back. I realized I could get away with murder and so that's what I did.
5. Peace workers don't party. One night we were invited out to a bar to party with our coworkers. Since the party was at a bar, at 11PM, on a Friday we figured we'd pregame for it. So Ellie and I went to a cafe and had 3 beers. By the time we got to the bar we were wasted. Ready to party, we saw our coworkers sitting in the corner, drinking soda. Being the youngest and drunkest taught me a valuable lesson, serious people don't appreciate a good buzz. And without a good buzz, I just can't relate to my passive-aggressive coworkers.
4. Other things serious people don't appreciate are politically incorrect humor, celebrity gossip, any reference to Sarah Palin, or dead baby jokes. That is an oppressive work environment if you ask me. Without some light banter I just can't focus properly on my majong game. While I know and care about the starving children across the globe, talking about them 24/7 can really be a huge bummer, and being bummed out is counterproductive.
3. Peace workers are too big on kindness. You know those long, drawn-out middle school assemblies where EVERYONE gets a trophy? Well at peace institutions you have to send everyone "thank you" emails. In fact, in any given day our coworkers, who all worked in the same room, would send at least a dozen emails to each other, most of them as pointless as "thank you." If you want to teach the world to sing, cut the bullshit and run it like a business.
2. Peace workers are naturally suspicious of Americans. Our boss would constantly make snide comments about American, how we spent our money, how many people we killed, how we hate puppies, and how Al Qaeda made a few good points. The first time it was ok, the second time it was annoying, but by the 837492387 millionth time I was actually angry. Conflict anywhere else is a tragedy, but when it's in America we probably deserved it. When you tried to argue with him he would sweetly smile, nod, and stare you down. He was Dolores Umbridge.
1. You can solve every conflict of the world, not by creating economic stability or investing, but through the use of flow charts. You want to know how stop the Israel-Palestinian conflict? the conflict in Northern Ireland? Afghanistan? Well, go to any peace institution and they have a flow chart that will explain it. They're even colored coded: go to conflict zone -> bring a snack that both sides love -> get them drunk/high -> hug it out. Problem solved.
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