Pure cheese

Sometime's being cool and hipster-esq is exhausting. You have to read a ton of blogs, books, keep up to date on music, make sure you look the part, and drink beer. And while it can be fun, and going to hip bars can be a blast, sometimes you just need an absolutely cheesy throw-back night. Luckily for me, my friend Nikki is totally down, so this past saturday we had the cheesiest, lamest, best night out. So how to be cheesy? It's super easy once you let your pride go.

10. Glitter. Glitter is essential to a lame night. The goal is to look like a jersey shore cast member and cover your face in as much makeup as humanly possible. You want to look like a drag queen in the beginning, and a crack whore by the time you get home. Hipsters aren't supposed to wear makeup so it really is a nice change of pace.

9. Drink selection is also important. When you're being cool, it's strictly beer or whiskey. When you are just having a cheese-tastic evening you can be damn straight it's going to be tequila shots and sex and the city-esq cocktails. Sugar is just as important as glitter. You will want to kill yourself in the morning, but at the time it'll be worth it.

8. Don't be a dance snob. When you are having a lame night, you can't be a snob about anything or anyone. Go out on the floor and pull your best 8th grade dance moves, then dance with anyone and everyone. Go crazy and do the sprinkler, just do it.

7. What to wear? I call it dressing like a Jessica. Wear something you wouldn't normally wear. Dress a little trashy. My inspiration is usually Jwwow, girl's a legend.

6. If your a girl, make sure you have as many people as possible to buy you drinks. You can even turn it into a fun game. And if you're really good, have people buy you food at the end of the night. It's all about free stuff.

5. Whatever you do, don't sit down. Never, ever, sit down when you are having a crazy night. You aren't there to have a conversation or to relax with a drink or two. You are there to get hammered and dance to Lady Gaga. Don't ever forget why you came.

4. The worst thing in the world is when you go out with some girls and one girl gets bummed out if she doesn't meet her future husband. Don't be like that because you will never find love in a club and you will never have a connection if techno is playing. Guys go to clubs to meet girls, girls should go to clubs to act like an asshole and dance around.

3. Make up a fake name and a fake persona. When I'm in party mode I never tell anyone my real name. It's part of the game. Just be crazy and lie. It's super fun.

2. Take pictures. You know when you first go to university and you get super drunk, take a million pictures and then put them up on facebook the next day? Still do that. They are hilarious and at least you will have something to laugh about the next day when your brain is melting and your body is punishing you.

1. Don't actually bring anyone back home. As soon as you leave the club, go back to normal. Bringing home that weird persian guy will only result in herpes and an awkward hung-over morning. Besides, just because you look like a slag, doesn't mean you have to be one.