10. I listen to John Denver the week before I fly. John Denver wrote a song called Leaving on a Jet plane and then died in a plane crash. That is pretty ironic, it'd be even more ironic if I died on a plane while listening to Leaving on a Jet Plane. I feel like this increase in irony increases my chance of survival.
9. I google my plane. I google the model of my plane and it's crash history. This is a bad idea because it always makes me have a panic attack but I do it anyway because I like to know what I'm getting myself into.
8. I watch Final Destination. I like to watch the opening scene in Final Destination just to remind myself how not fun it would be if the plane were to crash. It also allows me to familiarize myself with the typical signs of a plane crash so I will be better prepared if I do find myself in such a situation.
7. I give my sister my facebook password. I don't want to be one of those people who die and then everyone writes on their wall. That really spooks me. She has strict instructions to delete my facebook in the event of my untimely demise.
6. I say goodbye to everyone in my inner circle. If I don't, then god will punish me for being a selfish bitch by killing me in a plane crash. We have to remember that I am very self-involved and actually believe God would kill an entire plane of people just to get at me because I didn't tell mom and dad I love them one last time. I should probably stop watching made for TV movies.
5. I find all my lucky jewelry and wear it all. No evil can get me if I'm wearing my lucky cuff.
4. I google recent plane crashes. Remember the year where everyone got kidnapped, and then the next year like everyone got attacked by a shark? Well I have to make sure that this isn't the year that everyone dies in a plane crash.
3. I get my will in order. I don't actually have a will yet because I don't really own anything of value but I do tell people what they are allowed to take and what they better bury with me. Erin, you can have my pokemon poster, it's practically vintage by now. John and John, you can have my room until the random stranger from craiglist moves in.
2. When I'm waiting to get on the plane I scan my fellow travelers to make sure they are not a motely crew. If they look like gypsies, tramps, and thieves then I figure I am pretty much doomed and I start praying to that Catholic god I have been ignoring for the last decade.
1. And finally, I imagine all the terrorist scenarios that could possibly happen. Then I convince myself that in a similar situation I would totally be able to take the guy out, like the little Dutch guy who stopped the Christmas day bomber. I mean, I do have a pretty good right hook.
So if my plane does crash on Friday, this will serve as a very creepy reminder that irony does not save lives
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