The Edward Cullen effect

ooh Twilight, every 13 year old/middle aged woman with too many cats dream come true. I know boys are very confused by this Edward nonsense. Why him? What is soooo great about him? I mean for one, he is dead. Not to mention he doesn't really have a sense of humor, he is crazy jealous, he eats bunnies, and he refuses to even go to second base. So what is his appeal? If he were a real person he'd be a total bore who stalks you, not even the charming facebook stalking, but actual i'm-outside-your-bedroom-window-listening-to-you-breath stalking. Well here it is, the Edward effect explained. You might have to take a cold shower after this:

10. Girls like to feel special. We are big on that whole "exception" thing. Edward doesn't like anyone because he is 100 years old and grumpy. That is until Bella comes into the picture. Bella who is plain, of average intelligence, and below average humor probably has low self-esteem. Not to mention she is from a broken home with daddy issues so she probably needs to feel special. Edward validates this boring girl's existence by making her feel special and watching her while she sleeps. Every girl wants this.

9. He dresses very well. He kills deer with his hands and never gets any sleep, yet he still dresses perfectly. Girls like it when you dress well, that's why we love gay guys so much.

8. He doesn't play video games or sports. Edward doesn't have any hobbies besides reading and watching Bella sleep which means he has plenty of time to hang out and tell Bella how pretty and special she is. This is ideal. We need a ton of positive reinforcement and Edward is the personification of this dream.

7. He is a vampire. Vampires are hot because they bite your neck and try to kill you. Girls like this.

6. He listens to classical music. If I hear one more guy go on and on about phish, drum and bass, or lady gaga I will join the nunnery. Luckily, Edward just listens to classical music which you can easily tune out. He even gets embarrassed when Bella finds his CD of Clair de lune, this means he won't want to talk about it for hours.

5. He plays the piano. Playing guitar is so 1990, now it's all about back to basics and back to the piano. This also means he has good forearms which is very attractive.

4. He has no friends. This goes along with the no hobby thing. Girls are very high may-may (that means high maintenance). We need you to be at our disposal 24/7, just like Edward. Since Edward has no friends to distract him, he can make Bella his number one priority. Not to mention, Johnny Football won't call him whipped and Ben Beerbong won't challenge him to cheat on you.

3. He has great hair. God does Edward has great hair. Not too long, not too short. Always perfectly styled and coifed.

2. He doesn't have any ex-girlfriends. This means you don't have to compete with anyone and no one will run up to you at the bar and pour their drink over your head. And since Bella is his first, he will just become more obsessed with her and never, ever leave her even though he is much better looking and better educated. SCORE!

1. He's rich. At the end of the day, the werewolf lived in that tiny little cottage with car parts sprayed out on the lawn and Edward had millions of dollars and cool cars. The puppy didn't stand a chance.