Alex- When I was a little one in daycare, I met my first enemy. We'll call him Alex, partly because I said I was changing names and partly because I cannot for the life of me remember his name. Anyway, this little bugger was terrifying and he always used to threaten to beat me up. I was so scared of him that I tattled on him and the daycare directors made sure to keep us apart. He never actually beat me up but he did throw a pinecone at me once and it really hurt. He's probably a wealthy internet tycoon now or something, stupid weasel.
Rebecca- This was my mom's friend's daughter. She was a year or two older than me and a total snot. One day at a work party we were all playing. She pulled a Tonya Harting and hit my back with a pool diving stick. I started crying and all the parents ran out. I was waiting for her to admit her crimes, but she pussed out and pretended nothing happened. She lied to her own mother. What a Bitch.
Rich- When I was in primary school there was a mean bully on the bus. His name was Rich and he had red hair. Everyone was scared of him, including me, but at the same time I was also drawn to him. He was older so I stuffed my backpack with my Dad's sweater in order to look like I had homework. This was back when I believed boys loved smart girls. It didn't work so then I just decided he was a dick and made him my enemy.
Kritina- This bitch also rode the bus with me in Jr. High. God she was the worst. She had those annoying bangs from the 1980's and a bad attitude. I have no idea why she disliked me and I still have no idea what led up to the argument but she was the first and last person who ever called me a slut, saying that I dressed too showy. At the age of 12, I realized that since I had nothing to show she was full of shit. Short on tits but not on wits, I slammed her by saying "Dude, you curl your bangs," which immediately ended the argument and got me some high fives. I haven't seen her in 5 years but I still consider her an enemy.
Jessica- In high school I had a falling out with a friend, and her wicked sidekick took up the battle. Looking back on it, this was the first guidette that I have ever come in contact with. Too tan, dyed black hair, painted make-up and all. She called me gross in the hallway. Knowing full well that this bitch was probably scrappy I completely backed down. No way in hell was I getting my face scratched or my hair pulled by the original snooki.
Skye- When I was in my senior year of high school I got a boyfriend. He was a good guy who would never cheat on me, but I was 16, annoying, and dramatic. This one girl kept myspacing him and asking him to meet up. She was trying to steal my man, and I couldn't have that so I fought with her virtually. One day I actually saw her at the mall. She was 6 feet tall and had about 40 pounds on me. I cut my losses and ran, no boy is worth a black eye. Write that down Rhianna.
An entire sorority- In college I really didn't have enemies because I was too busy having fun. That was until I went to my friends house where a mixer between the rugby team and a sorority was also being held. Convinced that we were spies intent on stealing their roofie-riddled jungle juice, the girls wanted us dead. Knowing that we probably couldn't take on 50 girls, we hid out in our friend's room. The girls decided to line the door and talk about us loudly in order to intimidate us. One girl said she would rip our hair out if we didn't leave. We decided climbing out the window was in our best interest. I still remember that girl and I still stalk her on facebook. I try not to be catty anymore but since she threaten to pull my hair out I think I get a pass on this one, so babe, I think you should have gone with a nose job over the boob job.
I'm out of college and happy so I don't really have enemies anymore. Now I know that if people are better than me, it's good for me, and if they aren't then I don't give a shit. And it only took 21 years to learn this!
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