Pets

Every pet I've ever had....

The first pet we got was a cat named Fluffy. We got Fluffy when I was just 2, after Lenny, I mean my sister, killed the first kitten by hugging it's neck. Fluffy was such a bitch and I was terrified of her. I used to cry if she was on the end of bed for fear that she would bite me in the middle of the night. She lived to be 17 against all odds. By this point she was blind and deaf, she didn't even hear the garage door coming down as it crushed her internal organs. Sad.

The second pet we got was named George. He was a bald sheep dog who humped everything and everyone. We got rid of him after a week because he kept knocking me down and humping my mother.

Then there was Chocolate. Chocolate was a brown boxer who would run around the house, fall, and fart. He died because we left him outside on a chain and he was strangled to death.

Next there was Ebony. Ebony was the best. She was the Lassie of Rolling Meadow Way and would steal bread from Pizzeria Uno and leave it on our porch. She died when I was 12 and I cried more than when my grandparents died.

After we had established the dog and cat thing, we moved on to smaller shittier pets. That's when we got hermit crabs. They smelled like shit and did nothing amusing. I named one after me because she could climb out of a basket and I thought that was cool. Then they all walked on each other and died.

Next were lizards, Nickles and Luigi. We had to wear gloves to play with them and we were pissed that they didn't change colors. One morning we woke up and Luigi had murdered Nickles. Dick.

Then came the mice. I went to a trailer park to buy these mice and then named them after Blue's Clues characters. My parents were probably pretty concerned. They ran around my room, we'd make them some mazes, and then they would shit all over everything. My Dad hated them with a passion and was very happy when Magenta killed Blue after only a few months.

Oh the birds, the birds were next. Paste and Skylar. They were the absolute worst. They wouldn't sing, they wouldn't talk, and they wouldn't let us touch them. They just flew into walls and screeched. One morning during Pokemon, my mom called me upstairs because Sky had killed Paste, she had just stabbed poor paste straight through the heart. Kind of a bitchy move.

Then there is Riley, my white boxer princess. We take naps together and make out. I love her.