My sister's first boyfriend, Mike, came into the picture in kindergarten. He pretended to be a faithful stand-up guy until that faithful day that he attempted to trade my sister in for a lollypop. No joke. Candy for a girl? Call me a crazy feminist but that is bullshit.
Craig was my sister's second boyfriend. She laid low for a couple of years then reemerged in 7th grade. Craig was a Mormon who got in trouble for putting burping powder in a teacher's drink. He also was my sister's first love and best friend. Like all mormons, he moved away to Utah in 8th grade and was then sent to Juvie. If that's not hot, I don't know what is.
Erin's next boyfriend was Jake. Jake was your average Suburban nightmare. He wore Abercrombie (seriously his 1999 birthday present is still in her closet) and axe body spray. He only listened to DMX and Christmas music but he did have a car so it was okay. I think they dated for 3 months.
Next was Chris. He screwed her bff but now he is an engineer who carries around the constitution in his pocket. I don't know what to make of him now, but I do remember him having big ears and a goofy grin.
Eventually Erin went to college and dated Blake. Blake wore cargo shorts and cheated on my sister with a girl who looked just like her. He also had an unhealthy relationship with his mom. My sister broke his nose.
There was then an anonymous rugby player who wore "perfect jeans." I've only seen one picture of him and in it he wore a cowboy hat.
Next was Gary. Gary and Erin were in LOOOOOOVE. He followed her around like a puppy and never talked. One time he came to visit and got an infection. My mom spent the whole weekend saying "poor Gary." He had a chubby sidekick and a lot of piercings. He is now a 3rd grade teacher.
Up next was Dash. Dash was white rapper and our family's favorite. To this day, we talk about Dash and how cool he was. Even my macho-army-redneck father loved him. He was the first of Erin's boytoys to talk to me and he helped get me into a bar underage. He had an earring, but his personality more than made up for it.
Next was John. John looked like an adonis but was boring and put everyone to sleep. He was living proof that looks mean jack shit at the end of the day. I think he lives by the beach now and is trying to be a skateboarder. Good luck.
I'm currently awaiting my sister's next boyfriend, I hope he's cool but I'll probably hate him.
Ed. Note: Unfortunately, she lives in L.A. now so the last 8 guys she's dated have been gay, I have decided not to count them.
P.S. my sister and I are both wasted as I post this...merry xmas
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ReplyDeletemight i add, BEST POST EVER!!
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