How to be in grad school...

I had all month off from my grueling academic schedule. Tomorrow I go back to learn about style, structure, and how to make millions of dollars through the written word. After a full semester I know have the whole grad school thing down to a science. So here's how you do it:

10. Never just say that you're JUST a student, god you wouldn't want someone to think you were undergrad. Been there, done that. Throw around the term "Masters" as much as possible. You are training to become a master of something, even though you are still incredibly clueless.

9. Stay away from the undergrads. It's sort of like a caste system. You should only eat in the postgrad cafeteria, don't talk to those young, naive, children running around from class to class. You are above that now. so what if most of them are your age? if not older? maturity wise, you are years beyond them

8. Don't do any work ever. When I was an undergrad I hustled hard. I was busy pretty much 24/7 with clubs, campus activities, class, drinking. Now, I only have class two times a week which means I do a lot of not studying. But As a grad student, like as a CEO, you deserve to do nothing at all.

7. Even though you literally never have work to do, make sure you seem very busy and stressed about everything you have to do. When someone asks how you are say something like "ughhh gradschool is killing me!" It's not, but they don't need to know that. It's like being on a secret vacation.

6. Drink more than you did in college. When I was doing my undergrad, I went out about 1 night a week. It was usually Friday and I was usually back by 2:30 AM at the latest. Now, I go out more often, because I can and when I do go out, I'm usually not back til 4 AM. I think this has to do with all that goddamn free time, but I tell people it's because I'm so stressed from all the hard work I'm doing.

5. Eventually you'll get bored enough that you'll start giving yourself chores and tasks to do. Hence this blog, hence the 3 news sites I read a day, hence my book a week rule. You need intellectual stimulation, but you also try and sneak it so no one calls you out on the fact that you're not doing enough in school.

4. When you get together with your grad school friends, begin by talking about books and current events, then realize you're all in the same boat and you're all faking and start talking what you really want to talk about, sex, celebrities, and movies.

3. Feel bad that your flatmates come back after a long day of work. You literally did nothing but read a little bit, take a walk, and buy a sandwich. Start to wonder what it feels like to actually be exhausted.

2. On the two days a week that you have class, come home all tired and bitchy just to fit in with your exhausted flatmates.

1. Finally realize that you won't live this lifestyle again until you're retired and enjoy the hell out of it without an ounce of guilt.