How to write an angry facebook message

Yesterday, after my blog post I received a few complaints from a couple that is convinced I wrote the post about them. Specifically the part:

Here's a little case study for you: A former high school friend of mine got into a very intense relationship at the age of 17. 17! They were so in love, so much so that they burned every other bridge they had. They spent their college years staying in the dorm watching Anchorman and talking about how much they loved each other and how special and magical their bond was. They broke up 4 years later and realized they didn't have a life anymore. She still lives at home.

Now I'll be honest with you. This was based on a few different experiences that I combined. It was not targeted or based on one relationship. Sorry, but in the words of the great Carly Simon "you're so vain."

After I had ignored them on facebook chat I got a couple of angry facebook inboxes. They didn't really do the trick because, well, they made a few key mistakes. So here it is, my guide to writing a less hilarious/more angry facebook message.

10. If they ignore you on facebook chat then you better send a facebook inbox. Your voice needs to be heard and you need to speak your peace, even if it's obvious that the other person isn't playing. Pursue that bitch until you get it off your chest.

9. Pretend that you just wanted to say hello, then as the message progresses get meaner and angrier. Something like "hey what's up? hope you're doing well, you dumb bitch. That way you trick them into reading further before you hit them with the insult.

8. Try to belittle them. Saying something like "I hope you are happy with the life choices you make" is a great example. It's condescending and it forces them to self-reflect. Actually if you think about it, you're doing them a favor.

7. Avoid saying something like "I don't even care about this or you at all." That's sort of like telling someone when you're not talking to them. You do and you are.

6. If the initial response you get is not to your liking, then push harder. Send another message, maybe they didn't understand that you are actually mad at you.

5. If they apologize, don't accept it. You're mad but you don't actually care so that apology means nothing to you. They don't get to wave the white flag, you must reject the apology.

4. Spell check. Obviously, I make a few grammar and spelling mistakes up on here a lot, but you can be sure that if I ever send an email or a complaint it is in perfect english. saying "ass wholes" doesn't do you any favors so maybe have a trusted friend proofread it to save yourself the embarrassment.

3. Criticize what they do. Now it's not enough just to focus on the issue on hand you need to rip every aspect of the person apart. It's called total war.

2. Say I "truly feel sorry for you" This is one of my personal favorites because then it makes you look like the good guy, the guy who just cares about you and the poor life decisions you're making. You may have just called them a materialistic ass whole who has the maturity level of a child, but hey, it's because you care.

1. Don't do it at all. I have never felt the need to tell someone I am mad at them via facebook. If I do care about them, I contact them in person or over the phone and if I don't care about them, I genuinely don't get mad. I can't imagine how stressful life would be if I became a mess every time anyone hated on me. God I think I'd be in my room crying all the time. The point is, grow a thicker skin and hang out with the ones you love. Don't worry about some douche bag blogger who you haven't spoken to in 5 years. What the hell does she know anyway?!